Page 27 of The Late Bloomer’s Playlist

‘And it’s nothing to do with your body.’

‘Then what is it?’

‘You’re too mature and your bullshit detectors are fine-tuned to an artistic standard.’

I snorted. ‘So you want someone who’ll put up with nonsense?’

He opened his mouth to answer but before any further nonsense could erupt out of him, the front doorbell sounded. ‘Saved by the bell,’ David joked as he left the room. Meanwhile, I stayed fixed to the spot and enjoyed the soft comfort of Fred, who’d come to lie across my feet.

No sooner had David yanked the door open and I heard, ‘Pour this.’

‘Janet?’

‘I told you I’d called reinforcements,’ David shouted in answer to me.

Janet rounded the door to David’s bedroom with three body bags of clothing draped over her arm. ‘Oh, my lovely Patti.’ She rushed to me and pulled my head to her bosom, and I wasn’t altogether put out by the gesture. ‘What has he done to you?’

‘I think you’ll find that’s a situation of her own making.’ David appeared with a bottle of chilled white and three glasses. ‘My offering is everything that’s laid out on the floor.’

‘Hm.’ Janet pulled away from me to scan the room. ‘Can you change the music to start with?’ she asked, not yet looking at either of us. Though when her head snapped up again it was clear the instruction was for David.

‘Do you want the Pretty Woman soundtrack?’ he answered.

‘No, I want Madonna circa 2023.’

‘“Vulgar”?’

‘Perfect!’

‘The two of you are basically speaking a different language.’ I snatched an empty glass from David and untucked the bottle from beneath his arm where it was beginning to sweat. ‘What’s “Vulgar”?’ As though in answer, there soon came a thud-thud through the speaker system followed by techno vocals. Janet moved her hips from side to side in time with the music, while David snatched the wine back and poured for them both. ‘This is Madonna 2023?’

Janet ignored my question and half-sang along to the music as she unzipped the first of the clothing bags.

‘You’re mad, you’re both bloody mad,’ I announced while they ogled a short black dress that Janet had pulled free. ‘Are you listening to me?’

Janet handed the dress to David, who draped it over his arm. But before she could get to the second bag, she was magpie distracted by something lying on the floor. She trod across to the red dress – missing midriff and all – that I’d ruled out as an option earlier. Janet handled it the same way I did, holding it by the shoulders and keeping it an arm’s distance from her.

‘I think I used to have one like this…’

It was a finger-snap realisation that hit me and my mouth manifested the shock, forming into a small O while I quickly tried to work out what to say. Do I let this moment pass, do I leap on the validation, do I–? David spotted my expression, though, and before I could decide on anything at all, he tucked a finger beneath my wine glass and guided it up to my pursed lips. He looked down at me, winked and smiled – and I necked two fingers’ worth of the drink in one go.