Page 66 of The Late Bloomer’s Playlist

I wondered whether we’d said his name too many times and accidentally summoned him. Only seconds later he came rushing into the room wearing his smartest jeans, a shining brown belt and matching brogues. He was topless, holding a light blue linen shirt in one hand and a light cream linen shirt in the other.

‘White or blue?’

‘It’s cream.’

‘Don’t antagonise me, Janet,’ he snapped back at her. ‘Patti?’

I took another draw on the cigarette and then a bite from the horn. ‘Where are you eating?’

‘What on earth does that matter?’

‘Just answer the question.’ I stretched forward to rest the pastry in my saucer. I couldn’t multi-task when there was so much riding on the answer to my question. Besides which, I imagined that I was starting to look like a poor woman’s version of Absolutely Fabulous. ‘Where are you eating?’

‘That new Italian place on the high street.’

‘Go and find your dark denim shirt instead.’

‘Double denim?’ Janet chimed in.

‘Good point.’ I gestured with an extended index finger and then turned to David. ‘Put on your dark mustard chinos with it instead. The shoes and the belt are fine.’

‘But these are my nicest jeans,’ he protested.

‘But you’re going for an Italian meal.’ I stubbed the cigarette out in the nearby ashtray. ‘And in the twenty plus years that I’ve known you, you’ve never been able to eat anything that involves pasta without dropping sauce down you.’

David looked from one shirt to the other, then to his jeans, then to me. ‘I bloody love you.’

‘You’re welcome,’ I answered, though he’d already rushed from the room.

‘It’s a mad house. Tea?’ Janet had reached forward to pour herself a cup.

‘Please.’

‘What’s got your wife so beaten up?’ she asked, nodding in the direction that David had fled. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so keen and edgy about dinner out with a teenager before.’

‘Ah, but it isn’t a teenager. Thanks, love,’ I said, taking my tea from her. ‘It’s the infamous Eudora.’

Janet bolted upright. ‘Your girlfriend’s friend?’

‘She isn’t my girlfriend. And yes.’

‘But I thought she thought David was a tart?’

‘Well, now she thinks he’s a kind man who’s just found out his wife is a lesbian.’ I shrugged. ‘And apparently that warrants dinner at the new Italian place on the high street.’

‘And you’re okay with this?’ she asked in a tone that suggested I shouldn’t be.

‘David has explained the situation to her, Janet, calm down. He called her, it was a stroke of genius really, because apparently they hadn’t even spoken much since… The Reveal, let’s call it. He felt awkward, if you can believe it. I didn’t know David had it in him.’ I paused to sip my tea before carrying on. ‘Anyway, in amidst my romance binge, David had the bright idea of actually explaining things to Eudora. She’s a smart woman, said it sounded like nonsense to start with, but the more they talked, I don’t know, he seemed just to win her over slowly. You know David.’ I let a pregnant pause elbow between us. ‘He can be quite persuasive.’ A small creep of red appeared on Janet’s neck, peering up from behind her polo-neck jumper. ‘So, if there’s any chance at all of this information filtering back to Sheila, then yes, I absolutely support his decision to take the woman for a bowl of pasta and a conflab.’

‘And in the meantime?’ She looked around the many notes that cluttered the floor. ‘You plan to re-enact iconic scenes from film scripts in the hope that it might turn things around?’

‘There’s something quite dangerous about having nothing to lose, isn’t there?’ I answered, winked, and reached forward for my pastry to pair with my tea. ‘Tell me about your love life.’

‘Oh.’ She laughed. ‘I don’t think we’re quite done with yours yet.’

‘Right’ – David reappeared, arms spread wide as though offering himself to us both – ‘date with Eudora outfit take two. What are our thoughts?’ He held up a hand in Janet’s direction. ‘And when I say our, I mean Patti’s.’

‘If you were Hugh Grant,’ I answered, ‘I’d let you take me to the Italian on the high street.’ After seeing him in quite so many romantic roles, it was impossible not to find the loveable dope at least slightly charming.