Page 113 of Devour

I have been safely in Axl’s bed every night before and after that window. The baby was Axl’s. My throat closes up, and I close my eyes as the tears fall to my cheeks.

The relief and the grief hit me at the same time, and I don’t know which one is worse. A sob tears out of me. I’m relieved not to be pregnant with my psychotic brother’s child, but I want that piece of Axl more than anything. I didn’t even know it was there, and now it’s all I want.

Axl paces beside my bed, fisting his hands and pulling at his hair like he wants to rip it out of his head. He growls and flips a nearby medical cart, sending the instruments and supplies flying against the wall. “Goddamnit.”

“Are you going to be alright?” The doctor asks me, eyeing Axl with concern. “Do you need me to get his friend to subdue him?”

I wave him off, covering my mouth as I choke back a sob. “Just leave us. I think we just need a moment.” I don’t know how I manage to get the words out.

The door closes, and the room goes quiet except for the beeping and Axl’s ragged breathing. He’s standing next to the destroyed cart, both hands braced on the wall. His shoulders are heaving.

“Axl.” I wipe my face with the back of my hand. “Will you please just come here? I need you.”

His back is to me, but I know he’s wiping his eyes. He doesn’t want me to see what this is doing to him.

“The baby was yours, if that’s what you’re worried about.” I say it because I need him to hear it. And then I sob again, whispering my next words. “It was yours, Axl.”

He spins around, and I’ve never seen him like this. He’s completely wrecked. Axl is always in control, and he looks like he’s about to lose it. The tears stream down my cheeks at the sight of him.

Axl wipes his eyes again and rushes to me, taking me in his arms. “I’m so sorry, baby. Please forgive me. I’m so sorry. I did this to you.”

I hold onto him. My arms are weak, and the IV pulls when I reach for him. I press my face into his neck and breathe him in, because he’s the only thing that makes sense right now.

“You didn’t do this.” I fist the back of his shirt. “This isn’t your fault, Axl. Don’t you dare put this on yourself.”

His arms tighten around me, and his face is buried in my hair. I can feel how tense his body is. “You don’t understand.” His voice is muffled against my hair.

I pull back enough to look at his face. His eyes are hard, and the pain there scares me more than anything.

“I switched your birth control.” He says it while looking me dead in the eyes. “About five weeks ago. I replaced your pills with ones to make you ovulate.”

The words hang in the air between us. I hear them. I understand them. And for a few seconds, my brain refuses to connect them to anything that makes sense.

“What?” I drop my hands from his shirt. “Why? Why would you do that?”

“You’re mine, and no one is going to take you from me. I told you I wasn’t going to marry anyone else.” He doesn’t look away. “I wanted you pregnant so I could guarantee the Sinclairs would push the Council to make you my wife.”

I stare at him. I don’t know what to fucking feel. These men in my life make decisions for my body. This is nothing like what my brother did, but I still didn’t get a fucking choice. I do want to marry Axl and have his children. It’s all I want. But for him to decide for me and having to face the heartbreak of this loss every day for the rest of our lives. I’ll always long to know what our baby might have looked like and who they might have grown up to be. That’s never going to go away.

“How could you?”

“I told you.” He doesn’t defend himself. He doesn’t try to explain it away or soften it. “I won’t lose you, Saylor.”

“I’d have said yes.” Tears are running down my face, and I can’t stop them. “If you’d asked me, Axl. If you’d come to me and told me what was happening with your father and said you wanted a life with me and children—I’d have said yes. I’d have thrown those fucking pills in the trash myself.”

His jaw tightens, and I can see that hit him harder than my anger would have.

“You didn’t give me the chance to actually choose you.” I press my palm flat against his chest. His heart is pounding under my hand. “Have I not proven every fucking day that it’s you I want? I chose you when I let you claim me. I chose you when I let you carve your name into my skin. And I’d have chosen this. But you didn’t let me.”

He puts his hand over mine on his chest and holds it there. “I’m sorry, baby. I’ll spend the rest of my life making this right. I can’t give you back what was taken from you. From us. I wanted that baby too. More than anything. I want every part of you. And I can’t lose you too, Saylor.”

“I’m not ready to forgive you, Axl.” I pull my hand back. “My body is mine to give to you. I trusted you more than anyone in this world. You’ve always been there every time I needed you. You saved my life. But I can’t give myself to you if I can’t trust you. Too many people in my life have betrayed me.”

I sob into my hands.

“Saylor.” His voice is raw. “I have so many things to say to you, and I won’t say them yet. But just know, I can’t live without you. I don’t need your forgiveness or even your love right now. I just need to know you aren’t going to leave. Because, truthfully, I can’t let you go.”

I believe him. I’m furious and I’m heartbroken. I’m grieving something I didn’t even know existed before this, but I believe him. We want the same things. I’m not mad he did it. I’m mad he didn’t give me the choice. My heart still breaks knowing he’s suffering the same loss I am.