Page 59 of Lay Down the Law

“As a cop, I knew the stats. And I knew her card would come up one day. But Rita was invincible—or so she thought. Always said she wanted to stay twenty-nine forever. On her thirtieth birthday, I bought her a car. Not just any car, but a convertible. It was small. Fast. And made for speed. It was exactly what she wanted. It was exactly what she didn’t need.”

Nick had expected the punch of grief to be brutal. To his surprise, it wasn’t. At some point, the pain had softened to a melancholy ache that was no longer savage in its intensity.

“Two weeks later, we had a fight. I don’t even remember what it was about. Something unimportant, more than likely. But we were both angry. She took Steph and went for a drive.” Nick broke off, aware that his heart rate was up. Sweat dampened the back of his neck. He wasn’t sure why he was recounting the details of that afternoon, but now that he’d opened the floodgates, he couldn’t stop the flow.

“I was the first to reach her.”

“Oh, Nick.”

He jolted when Erin took his hand, and he drew strength from her. “Rita was pinned inside. Unconscious. I knew right away she was in a bad way. Steph was in the back seat, crying. I remember thanking God they were alive. I thought—” His voice broke as the emotions burst through the barriers he’d erected and fortified.

Vaguely, he was aware of Erin squeezing his hand. The contact was warm. Reassuring. It had been a long time since he’d let anyone reassure him. He wasn’t certain why her touch at that moment meant so much to him, but it did. He accepted it, absorbed her strength, trying not to think of the meaning behind his ability to do so.

“I managed to get Steph calmed down, but by the time I got to Rita…” His voice trailed off, but he took another deep breath and continued. “She never regained consciousness. She died in my arms.”

* * *

Erin’s vision blurred as the tears built in her eyes. Mrs. Thornberry hadn’t told her that Nick had been the one to buy Rita the convertible. She hadn’t realized he’d been shouldering so much guilt, and she felt his pain as if it were her own. The sheer power of it struck her like a fist, taking her breath away.

Nick stared straight ahead, his jaw set. She couldn’t stand to see him that way. Hurting. Isolated. Blaming himself for something that wasn’t his fault.

She didn’t plan to reach for him. She knew that wasn’t what either of them wanted. But on a deeper level, she knew that was exactly what they needed.

Turning to him, she pressed the backs of her fingers to his jaw. “That must have been devastating, Nick. I’m so sorry.”

“It was tough for both Stephanie and me. But we’ve moved on. We’re doing all right.”

“Do you still love Rita?”

“Part of me will always love her. We had a lot of good years together. But when I close my eyes, I don’t see her face anymore like I used to. I don’t smell her perfume when I enter a room. I don’t wake up in the night thinking she’s lying beside me.”

Erin couldn’t imagine the pain of losing a soul mate. She’d always thought she’d loved Warren all those years ago. Only now, faced with this man’s grief, did she realize they hadn’t even come close.

It was clear to her Nick still loved his wife deeply and needed more time before he was ready to move into another relationship. Erin wasn’t sure why that knowledge disturbed her so much. A relationship was the last thing she needed in her own life. It was the last thing Nick needed, too. Neither of them were ready. The realization should have relieved her, but it didn’t.

“This might sound odd in light of everything you’ve gone through, Nick, but I think you’re actually a very lucky man.”

“How’s that?”

“A lot of people go through life never knowing what love is. Somehow, I think that’s the ultimate failure.”

“Or maybe the ultimate failure is watching that love slip away when there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.”

“When it comes to matters of the heart, most times control doesn’t enter the picture,” she pointed out.

He cocked his head, his eyes darkening as his gaze raked over her. “If you want to keep your sanity, you keep your control no matter what.”

Erin sensed they were no longer talking in generalities, but about the spark that threatened to burst into flames every time he looked at her, every time he spoke her name, every time he touched her.

“Maybe control isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be,” she whispered.

Nick looked alarmed for an instant, then his mouth curved in an amused half smile. “I think those painkillers gave you a loose tongue, McNeal.”

Embarrassment washed over her. She wasn’t sure why she’d said it, but she didn’t think it was the medication. Maybe because she wanted to deal with whatever was happening between them. Tonight seemed to be the night for clearing the air. The problem was she didn’t think either of them were thinking about clearing the air at the moment. There were too many emotions. Too many ghosts. Too many sensations coming all at once, and she was as overloaded as a circuit breaker in an electrical storm.

“The doctor gave me a mild muscle relaxant, and for your information my head’s as clear as a bell,” she said.

“Well, that’s a relief. I wouldn’t want to take advantage of you if you were mentally incapacitated.”