Page 28 of Librarian & the Rockstar

"I haven't been on one of those in fifteen years," I remind her softly. "I just didn't have cell service."

She snorts again, clearly still bent out of shape. I don't really blame her for it. Jess acts tough as nails, but we both know it's only because she worries. And skipping town without a word has given her plenty of reason to do that.

I think I'm about to give her more.

"I need a favor," I murmur.

"What kind of favor? Because I already helped you find a rental, even though you wouldn't tell me why."

"It was for the woman I almost hit."

"The woman you…" she trails off and then groans. "Jesus Christ, Ash. What are you doing?"

I hesitate, not entirely sure I know how to answer that question. "I'm taking a break," I say carefully. "I came damn close to downing a bottle of whiskey last week, Jess."

Dead silence rings down the line.

"Figured that meant it was time for me to get the fuck out of town and get my head on straight."

"You could have told me," she says. "I would have cleared your schedule before it came to that."

"You know I'm a stubborn bastard."

"And that's precisely why you shouldn't be alone right now. If your sobriety is at risk, you need to be in treatment, not alone with your own thoughts. You can't rawdog your way through it."

"That's the thing…"

"What?" she growls.

"I'm not alone. I, ah, hell." I chuckle ruefully, shoving a hand through my hair. "The woman I nearly ran over has been staying with me."

"Jesus Christ," Jess groans.

"It's not like that. You know me better than that." For all my sins and excesses, that's never been one of them. I'm no saint. No one in Hollywood is. But I don't blow through women, either. I can't even remember the last time I was with anyone. Hell, I don't even remember the last time I was on a date that wasn't some PR bullshit. I've spent the last five years just trying to hold it together.

Until now, until Loralei.

"I could use some advice."

"Get into treatment," Jess says immediately. "You can't bury an addiction in a woman."

She's right. Except…I'm more convinced than ever that's not what I'm doing. I haven't thought about drinking a single time since I met Loralei. I haven't wanted to escape, haven't wanted to be numb. Haven't felt stretched thin or like being blitzed would be preferable. I've felt…more at peace over the last few days than I have in years, more excited than I have in longer than I can remember.

"What would retirement look like?" I ask. It's not the first time I've thought about it lately. But it is the first time I've asked the question out loud.

Judging by the silence echoing down the line, Jess is shocked to hear it. Or, hell, maybe she's not. I don't know anymore. The last five years feel like some fucked up, never-ending dream. Maybe my entire career feels that way.

I'm tired.

Eventually, Jess sighs. "I'd ask how long you've been considering this, but I know you well enough to know this isn't a recent development, is it?"

"No." I pause. "But maybe recent developments have added a little urgency to the desire. Loralei doesn't belong in my world."

"You think she's the one?"

I hesitate, and then bark out a laugh. "Hell, I think maybe I knew she was the one five minutes after I met her. But she deserves a helluva lot more than the kind of life I can currently give her." The way I've been living is no kind of life for anyone, let alone a woman like Loralei. If I want to keep her, shit has to change. I have to change it.

"You want to stay, don't you?"