Page 48 of Hot Under the Collar

“Leo, I need you to get Mike out of your place so you can move back soon.”

“I’m getting whiplash, Lynne. You told me to come over here and give my place to Mike.”

“I know, but I didn’t think this through. I can’t—” she shook her head. “I can’t keep doing this.”

He frowned. “Doing what? Taking care of stray cats?”

“No.” She gestured vaguely toward the door, the alley, the bar below. “Don’t you see? Every time something good happens, something blows up right behind it. I didn’t think through what it would mean if we…” Her voice thinned. “If we crossed that line again.”

He clenched his jaw. There was that word again, hovering unsaid between them. Mistake. She didn’t intend it this way, but it sounded like he was the thing she regretted.

“Funny how this thing between us is okay until it’s visible. Isn’t it, Lynne?” Leo felt his throat tighten. He shoved his hands in his pockets then stared at her from across the room until she met his eyes. “Funny how you talk about hurt and grief like you’re the only one who deals with it.”

She exhaled, long and slow. “That’s not what I meant.”

He knew Lynne well enough to recognize the pattern—words scrambling just before she found her footing. But now she seemed stuck there.

“You know, there’s a version of today where we both came back up here and finished what we started. And I’m not talking about what we started ten minutes ago. I’m talking about what we started five years ago, on my 21st birthday. I want that. I want to be with you. I thought we were a team now—” His voice cracked. “Where’s the version of you that’s willing to be with me, 100 percent, outside the bedroom? Am I ever going to meet her? Does she exist?”

She was quick—too quick—in her reply. “I can’t hide from you, Leo. That’s the problem. You don’t ask for the easy version of me—the version everyone else is satisfied with. You ask for the real one. I know this sounds backwards, but if we just went back to being friends, I wouldn’t have to risk ruining this. Ruining us. It would be safe again. The stakes would be lower.”

“Lynne,” he interrupted, “we can’t go back to being friends. Not after today. It’s going to break me if we go backwards now.”

She grasped the pendant at her chest and twirled it in her hand. “Well, it’s going to break me if we can’t. Nothing in my life feels stable anymore, Leo. Every time I let myself want something, it feels like the timing is wrong and something else blows apart. I don’t get to choose what explodes next.”

He said it firmer this time. “Lynne, I cannot be your friend anymore. If there’s never going to be an us, just tell me now.”

She was on the verge of tears. “That’s not fair.” She whispered it to herself again, as if in disbelief. “You’re my safe place, Leo. I can’t lose that. You’re the only one who’s truly seen my flaws. Not my wall of sarcasm and wit. The messy, broken, completely out of control version of me that people walk away from. But not you. You haven’t walked away yet. Why? That terrifies me. I don’t want to feel responsible for bringing you down with me.”

Leo felt the walls closing in on him. He wanted to scream “Fuck!” He wanted to punch a wall. He couldn’t argue Lynne out of her feelings. He knew better. It was like trying to spar with a ghost.

“Fine,” he told her. But they both knew it wasn’t. He just wanted this sick feeling in his gut to go away. “I’ll talk to Mike.”

He walked over to Fred and scratched between his ears then headed for the door.

“Leo?” she called after him. He turned, one hand clasped on the handle. “I didn’t mean you had to ask Mike at this exact moment.”

As if he could stay. “I need to get out of here before I say something I can’t take back.” The old Leo would’ve kept arguing or trying to convince her. But now he knew that pushing her would only prove her right about him.

Leo closed the door, leaving a stunned expression on Lynne’s face.

20

Leo (Now)

Leo walked down the stairs from Lynne’s apartment and into the alley then turned toward Main Street. The November sun was bright, but the alley still felt like the inside of a freezer. Despite his fleece, he felt exposed as the wind whipped through the bare trees. The storefronts were still decked with artificial orange and red garlands, pumpkins, and hay bales. Some had even started their Christmas decorations. He’d always kind of loved that, the way the holidays all blurred together in November. But today he hated it. Autumn Ridge’s cheeriness was a harsh contrast to how he felt inside.

Leo combed his hand through his hair. The talk with Mike about where to live could wait. He headed toward the fire station instead. He needed something he could solve—wiring, panels, anything that wasn’t a human heart—and the false fire alarms were as close as he was going to get to solving anything today.

He could still feel the imprint of her back against his chest from that morning, could still smell her shampoo on his T-shirt. If she wanted me, she’d fight for me, he reasoned. Just like I’ve been fighting for her. But for once, he forced himself to stop there, to resist the urge to turn around and knock on her door until she gave him the answer he wanted.

The idea attached itself to his ribs. They’d said too much, done too much, and part of him screamed it was his fault for not being wiser. He dove head-first into nostalgia instead of giving Lynne’s kiss some time to breathe. He’d just wanted her back so badly. He thought this was finally it.

He shook his head. Was he wrong? Had he misread everything? Maybe her desire didn’t equal readiness. Never had. Never would. Maybe what she did and what she said would never match—or at least never make sense to him.

The red brick building and its cherry-red bay doors, all closed, materialized one block away. All was quiet. This meant the C crew hadn’t gone out for the false alarm. Good. It also meant Chief Bob would still be there.

His buddy, Mark, spotted him first in the apparatus bay.