Page 12 of Certified to Handle You 3

Toni’s hand stayed still around my dick for another second before she let it go. She ain’t step back right away, but the warmth between us shifted. I turned my head just enough to talk over my shoulder, but I still ain’t face her.

“I’m not tellin’ you not to love yo’ cousin,” I said. “I ain’t tellin’ you not to be there for her. But I am tellin’ you that I’m not finna have you and Sha’Nelle sittin’ around talkin’ about Renza, plannin’ around Renza or doin’ nothin’ that pull that nigga back into some pain after what I had to sit and watch today. That shit done. You hear me?”

Toni ain’t answer at first, and that silence told me she heard every word. She knew I wasn’t askin’ or throwin’ out a suggestion for her to pick through later. I had said what I said ‘cause it needed to be said, and if she loved me the way I knew she did, she was gon’ understand why.

After a few seconds, she moved away from me completely, and before I could reach for the soap the way I always did, Toni grabbed it herself. That alone told me she was feelin’ a way ‘cause my wife ain’t never had to wash herself when she was in the shower with me. I always did that shit for her. Tonight, she took that from me before I could do it, and even though she ain’t say nothin’, that attitude was loud as hell.

She washed herself quiet, but it wasn’t no soft quiet. It was that hurt Toni quiet where her mouth was shut, but everything about her was talkin’. She kept her back to me while she rubbed the soap over her arms, her chest and down her stomach, and I just stood under the water watchin’ her ‘cause I knew she was mad I told Renza about Sha’Nelle. She rinsed off without lookin’ at me, opened the shower door and got out, and the way she left without touchin’ me again told me she was gon’ make me feel that shit too.

I stayed under the water a lil’ longer after she left. My dick was still hard, my mind was still messed up and my wife was probably standin’ in the bedroom feelin’ some type of way.

We had been doin’ good, and I ain’t want this to be the shit that started pullin’ us back into old habits. But Toni had to learn that bein’ loyal to her cousin ain’t mean she got to move against me. It ain’t mean she got to keep secrets in my house, and it damn sure ain’t mean she got to bring Sha’Nelle pain to my cousin door and expect me to hold mine open for it.

I loved Toni. I loved that baby sleepin’ down the hall. I loved the life we had been buildin’, and that was why I had to get a grip on this shit before it got bigger.

Sha’Nelle and Renza had they own storm to stand in, and I wasn’t about to let my wife walk into the middle of it and come back draggin’ rain through my house.

Greystone City

The next morning…

A bitch had been in bed all mornin’ stressin’ and I ain’t even have no weed to calm my nerves.

My eyes was swollen, my nose was stopped up, my bonnet was somewhere on the floor and my pillow had dried tears on one side and fresh ones on the other. I ain’t even know what time it was for real. The sun had been pushin’ through them curtains for hours, but I hadn’t moved enough to give a fuck.

I had been layin’ in this same spot with my phone in my hand, callin’ Renza over and over from different text apps even though he wasn’t answerin’. Every time his voicemail came on, my stomach dropped all over again, and I would hang up before I started cryin’ into the phone. Then I would lay here for a few seconds, wipe my face and call him right back ‘cause I ain’t know how to stop reachin’ for him.

I was supposed to be with Couture, and I knew that. I knew what my life was supposed to look like on paper. I had a ring, I had said yes and I had a man somewhere probably thinkin’ I was just overwhelmed and needed a lil’ space ‘cause the proposal had been a lot.

Everybody had clapped, smiled and looked at me like I had just stepped into the future I was supposed to want. I had smiled too ‘cause the fuck what else was I supposed to do with all them people lookin’ at me? I let him slide the ring on my finger, but from the second it touched me, it felt like my body knew I was lyin’ before my mouth could admit it.

That was the part that had me so fucked up ‘cause it wasn’t like I woke up sayin’ I wanted to hurt somebody. I ain’t wake up tryna play in nobody face, and I ain’t say yes ‘cause I was bored or ‘cause I ain’t care about what I was doin’.

I said yes ‘cause I had been tryna be the kind of woman who picked peace over pain for once. I said yes ‘cause I was tired of cryin’ over a nigga who could make me feel like I was the only woman on earth one minute and then make me feel like I had to chase my own heart back from him the next. I said yes ‘cause Couture was there, and everybody made it feel like that should’ve been enough. But enough wasn’t the same as right.

I hated that I even had to think this ‘cause it made me feel lowdown. It made me feel like one of them bitches I used to talk about; the bitches who had a nigga and still had her heart somewhere else. I ain’t wanna be that. I ain’t want to be layin’ in my mama house cryin’ over Renza while a ring sat close enough for me to see if I turned my head.

I took it off last night and put it on the dresser ‘cause I couldn’t keep callin’ Renza with that ring on my finger. It felt wrong.

I rolled over and wiped my face with the back of my hand, but that ain’t do shit ‘cause more tears came right behind it.

My nose was runnin’ so bad I had to grab one of them lil’ tissues off the nightstand, and even that pissed me off ‘cause I hated feelin’ like this. I hated how ugly cryin’ made me feel. I hated how my chest kept hurtin’ every time Renza’s voicemail picked up instead of his voice. I hated how bad I wanted to hear him say my name, even if he was cussin’ me out. At this point, I ain’t even care if he was mad. I just wanted him on the other end of the phone. I wanted to know he was still there somewhere, even if he ain’t want me close.

I called him again and pressed the phone to my ear while my heart acted stupid in my chest. It rang long enough for hope to slide in, and then that voicemail came on again. I closed my eyes and squeezed the phone so tight my fingers started hurtin’.

“Renza,” I said, and my voice sounded so weak I almost hung up on myself. I swallowed and tried again ‘cause I ain’t want him hearin’ me fall apart without sayin’ nothin’ that made sense. “I know you mad at me. I know you probably don’t wanna hear my voice right now, but I need you to answer the phone. Please. I don’t know what else to do, and I know that sound crazy after what I told you, but I need you to talk to me. I need you to just hear me for a minute.”

The beep cut me off, and I sat here starin’ at the wall with tears slidin’ down my face. I wanted to throw the phone, but I ain’t have the energy to break nothin’. I just laid here with it pressed to my chest, askin’ myself how I had let everything get this far. I kept tellin’ myself that maybe I needed to calm down.

Maybe this was guilt. Maybe this was me panickin’ ‘cause Renza had finally stopped answerin’ and I ain’t know how to handle not havin’ access to him no more. Maybe I had made my choice, and now I had to stand in it like a grown woman. But every time I tried to tell myself that, another part of me got louder.

That part ain’t give a fuck about what made sense to everybody else. That part remembered Renza’s hands on me and how my whole body knew him. It remembered how he could look at me and make me feel naked even when I had clothes on. It remembered his mouth, his voice, his temper, his laugh when he was tryna act like he wasn’t amused and the way he could make my whole attitude break down without beggin’ me to soften.

It wasn’t just sex, even though my body missed him in a way that embarrassed me. It was how he knew where to touch my mind too, and how he could make me mad as hell and still make me feel seen in places I ain’t even know I had been hidin’.

I hated him for that….

I hated him ‘cause once a nigga had loved on you in a way that made your body and mind answer at the same time, everybody else started feelin’ like a choice you had to keep explainin’ to yourself. I ain’t want that to be true, but here I was in bed, cryin’ with another man’s ring on my dresser, tryna call the one nigga who had me blocked.