Page 66 of Certified to Handle You 3

The room was low, warm and peaceful, and I let myself sink into it ‘cause this was the part I had been missin’. This was the part of us that felt untouched by everybody else’s problems. Me on my husband’s chest, his body still inside mine, his hand in my hair and no space between us.

I kissed his chest again. “I love you.”

Kay’Lo kissed the top of my head. “I love you too, baby.”

I closed my eyes and let him keep rubbin’ my scalp while sleep started pullin’ at me. My body was tired, my heart felt lighter, and for the first time in over a damn week, I ain’t feel like I was reachin’ for a man who was standin’ on the other side of the room from me.

I had my husband back under me, around me and inside me.

And as I dozed off on his chest, all I could think about was how good it felt to be back where I belonged.

Trill-Land, Jungle Estate

Today, I was leavin’ Trill-Land, and my chest felt so tight that every breath I took felt borrowed.

I had been here damn near two weeks, and Renza still hadn’t called me back. Not even fuckin’ once. Not from his number, not from no private number, not through nobody else.

He had stayed gone from a whole house he lived in just so he wouldn’t have to see me, and every day that passed made the truth sit heavier on me.

At first, I kept tellin’ myself he was mad. Then I told myself he needed time. Then I told myself if I called from a different number, maybe he would answer before he realized it was me. After a while, I couldn’t tell if I was holdin’ on to hope or just embarrassin’ myself on an island where everybody knew who he was and nobody was about to give him up to me.

His voicemail was full now. I knew that ’cause I had called so many times that the damn systen couldn’t even give me the option to leave my pain there no more. It was just full. Full of me, probably, full of my voice, my apologies, my cryin’, my “Renza, please call me back,” my “I just wanna talk,” and every other thing I said when pride stopped matterin’ and hurt took over.

I had walked around Trill-Land with my phone in my hand for I don’t know how fuckin’ long, checkin’ it every few minutes even when I knew it wasn’t gon’ ring. I had stared at his Instagram until my eyes burned, tryna catch a clue from a story, a background, a plate of food, a street sign or anything that could tell me where he was. I went to places I thought he might be.

That was when I started understandin’ that Renza ain’t just block me from his phone. He had blocked me from his world.

I was standin’ in Pluto’s guest room with my suitcase open on the bed, and the room looked too clean for how messy I felt. When I first came to Trill-Land, I had a small bag with two outfits, one pair of shoes, my license and a debit card. That was it. I ain’t plan nothin’ past gettin’ here. I ain’t think about where I was gon’ stay, how long I was gon’ be gone or what I was gon’ tell Couture when my replies started gettin’ dry and late. All I knew was Renza had stopped reachin’ for me, and somethin’ inside me panicked so bad that I got on a plane with barely enough shit to make sense.

I loved Pluto for openin’ her door to me, and I loved her even more for finally sittin’ me down a few days ago with that soft voice and those careful eyes, tellin’ me I needed to go home and figure out what I was gon’ do.

She said it with her hand over mine, her face full of that quiet softness she had when she was tryna give you the truth without cuttin’ you with it.

I sat across from her and listened while my throat burned, and for the first time since I landed, I ain’t argue. I ain’t tell her I needed one more day or that Renza might call. I ain’t ask her if she thought Renza was ever comin’ back home. I just nodded ’cause deep down, I had been feelin’ it too. I felt myself takin’ up space in a house that had a husband, a wife and babies in it. I felt the weight of my sadness sittin’ in rooms it ain’t belong in, and as bad as I wanted Renza, I knew wantin’ him couldn’t be the only reason I kept refusin’ to leave.

I zipped my suitcase and wiped under my eyes before I could mess up my lashes again.

Downstairs, the house was quiet in that rich people way, where even peace sounded expensive.

The floors shined, the walls smelled clean, and sunlight came through the windows in soft patches that made everything look calm when I felt anything but calm.

I could hear Isley before I saw her, makin’ those sweet baby noises that always had me forgettin’ for a few seconds that my heart was in pieces.

When I walked in the sittin’ room, Pluto was on the couch with Isley in her arms, and the nanny was nearby fixin’ somethin’ in the baby bag.

Pluto looked up at me, and her eyes went to my suitcase before they came back to my face.

“You ready?” she asked.

I wanted to lie so bad. Instead, I shook my head a lil’ and walked over to her. “No, but I gotta be.”

Pluto’s face softened, and she passed Isley to me without sayin’ nothin’ else. The second I had my godbaby against my chest, my eyes started burnin’ again. Isley smelled good, all baby lotion and warmth, and she looked up at me with them pretty little eyes while her fingers grabbed at my shirt. I kissed her cheek, then kissed her other one, and held her close enough that her tiny body tucked right against me.

“I’m gon’ miss you, pretty girl,” I whispered, rubbin’ my hand over her back. “You don’t even know how much you been helpin’ me, do you?”

Isley moved her mouth and made a soft sound, and that almost took me out. I laughed through the tears that had already started fallin’, then rocked her a lil’ while

Then Pluto stood up. The nanny stepped closer, and I kissed Isley one more time before passin’ her over.