Page 41 of Bound

“Let me guess,” Topher said dryly. “Things didn’t stay just physical.”

“No.” I rubbed my bottom lip. “He was my first everything. First boyfriend. First kiss. First—”

“I get the picture.” Topher tugged at the strap on his leather cuff. “Did you bond him to you?”

“I wish I knew for sure.” Setting the empty bottle down, I came over to lean against the railing looking out over Main Street. Tall pecans lined the sidewalks, rustling lazily in the warm night wind. “Looking back, I don’t think so. It didn’t feel the same. Not like it was with you. But over time I began to notice changes. Phoenix grew possessive. He always had to know where I was, started showing up outside my classes. When I tried to tell him I needed some space one night at a party, he… got this look in his eyes. I freaked out and ended it. Needless to say, he didn’t take the news well.” I blew out a breath. “The thing is, when I told my mom, she was convinced I was overreacting. Not that I was wrong to break it off if the relationship wasn’t working out, just that most shifters can be possessive when they’re courting a mate, particularly males.”

“Okay, but there’s possessive and then there’s stalker.”

“Yeah and it was a long time ago. Cal pointed out that a bad breakup didn’t mean I’d somehow, you know, accidentally used my powers on him. But after that, I backed off from the friendship, and from dating in general. And I guess I was wrong because Phoenix never mentioned it again.”

“You’re still friends.”

“He has valuable connections within the North Austin pack and is one of London Blake’s closest allies. Mom and Dad didn’t want me to completely cut ties with someone who could be a useful contact. They needed access and information. And as you can see, Maddox Blake trusts him completely.”

“So they’re forcing you to—”

“Not forcing. We needed a way in. I was just the one best positioned to do it. We’re a small pack. Alliances are the key to survival if you run into trouble. North Austin is the largest urban pack in the area. Most of its members are younger shifters like Phoenix and London who would support more progressive policies, but the pack leadership is controlled by a few powerful hardliners who won’t allow change. London’s dad was one of them. When he died and she took control of the pack, everyone was hopeful. Dallas is friends with some of the guys in that pack and they really want her back as Alpha, but it won’t happen as long as she’s wanted by the Tracers. And honestly, anything romantic between me and Phoenix is ancient history. He’s a good friend now. Nothing more.”

Topher drained the rest of his beer, then set the empty bottle on the little round cast iron table I’d picked up one weekend at a flea market. “We need to talk about what happened tonight.”

“Meaning—”

“How you keep hurting yourself to keep your powers contained.”

I blew out a breath. “Okay. Except that’s not what I’m doing.”

“Save it. You’re talking to the person who lied his ass off to you and every member of your family. I fracked myself up until it got to the point I was lying in the snow, about to throw myself into the arms of a bleeding vampire.” He flexed his wrists. “You know, before when I used to cut, it was to find the tracker the fang-heads had implanted to make sure we couldn’t escape. Then later, it was the one thing that made me feel like I still had control over something. I told myself that since the lycan virus caused us to heal almost instantaneously, what did it even matter? I would never have scars, not like the ones the vampires left. If it brought me relief, helped me to get through the day to cut, why was it anyone’s business but mine?”

“That’s not what I’m doing.” I started to shove past him, but he blocked my path to the door.

“The thing is, my brother always had an excuse for why he needed to use, too. Bullshit reasons that sounded just as crazy. I knew it was messed up, what I was doing. Cal showed me pictures of what I looked like when the Tracers brought me to their compound up in Dallas. Matted hair. Ripped, filthy clothes. I was so far gone by then, I set fire to Hayden’s trailer because I thought it would protect her. I could have killed her, killed Ellie, killed everyone in that trailer park. And even after I started to get in a better place in my head, it took a long time to switch off those messages.”

“Except you’re forgetting the part where I stop holding it in, and it destroys everyone around me. You think I asked for this, that I wouldn’t claw this curse from my blood if I had the chance?” I slumped back against the railing.

“I get what it’s like to worry, to live with that guilt. I still wake up every day and see the faces of the people I bit and turned at the full moon.”

“That’s different. You were newly turned and being tortured. No one taught you to control your wolf. The undeads are to blame, not you.”

“I still did it. They would be human if it weren’t for me. Hayden—”

“She doesn’t blame you. You think she’s sorry for how things turned out, that she and Ethan can finally be together?”

He shrugged. “Yeah, but there’s that voice in my head always telling me that she should. All I’m saying is I get what you’re going through. You’re convinced you’re a monster. And so every time you turn your power inward, tell yourself it’s to keep from hurting me, there’s a part of you doing it for that good, noble Caldwell reason. But there’s also the darker part, the one I feel when our wolves link, that guilt connected back to what happened a year ago up at the cliffs. You hate yourself for binding me to you. You hate the power you carry in your blood. And you feel a sick sense of relief when you’re the one being hurt, not anyone else.”

“I don’t know how to contain it without someone getting hurt.”

He rubbed his bottom lip, and I found myself staring at his hands, remembering how gentle he’d been setting up August’s IV line. Those same hands that had teased and tormented, trailing fire across my skin the night we’d spent in each other’s arms. “You were with people before, and it kept your power in check. I want you to be happy, Caldwell, even if it isn’t with me."

Something tore inside me, at the thought of him with someone else.

“You know that isn’t it,” I said in a low voice. “You think I don’t want this, that I don’t lie awake in the middle of the night, remembering the two of us together?”

His eyes snapped to mine.

“I want you so much that sometimes I can’t breathe. I want to fight about books with you over texts. I want lazy weekends in our pajamas where I write and you read on the other end of my couch. I want you.”

“Caldwell,” Topher growled, moving in so close that all I could smell was his scent. Leather, soap and male.