Page 148 of Make Me Laugh

Everything.

I’ve always been afraid of everything.

Afraid someone’s going to leave.

Afraid to disappoint people who don’t care about me.

Afraid I’ll never amount to anything if I’m not the best at everything.

I can’t think of a time where I wasn’t scared.

I’m pretty sure I’ve lived my entire life in a constant state of fight or flight. It’s exhausting, and I wish I could turn it off, but that’s just not how it works.

Everyone thinks I have it together, that I’ve always got it figured out—I do, for the most part. I’ll always find a way to make something work, but what they don’t see is the sleepless nights, the isolation. They don’t see the bad stuff because I don’t let them.

“Of what comes next.” Of who I become next. I’ve kind of liked Joey.

West nods, and he finally breaks whatever standoff we’re in by reaching out and bringing my hood up over my head. His warm fingers graze my cold cheeks as he tucks my hair inside the hood. “Me too.” He cups my cheek, and I feel like a moth to a flame, chasing the heat of his touch. “I’ve kinda gotten used to having my friend Joey around.”

Ha! Friend…

I close my eyes and take a breath of the crisp air. “Give it a few days and you’ll find a new friend.” I say it like a joke, but it’s actually a very real fear of mine… That I’ll never get over these two months, and West will move on like it never happened. His familiar scent calms my mind, and when I open my eyes a few seconds later, he’s still staring at me.

This time his eyes are sharper, more serious than they were before. “A few days?” West scoffs, wagging his head gently. “Joey, I’ll be pining after you in this life and whatever comes after it.”

If I could melt, I’d be a puddle.

He runs his thumb over my cheek, trailing to my bottom lip. His eyes flick from where he’s touching to my eyes. “I’ve never met anyone like you.” I watch his throat bob, and I wonder if he’s swallowing down the words I know he’s been trying to say for weeks. West loves me, but he won’t tell me because he’s scared I’ll run—there’s still a chance I will. “I think you might be one of my favorite people ever.”

I wish I was the kind of person he could tell without being afraid.

Hearing West say those things does have a large part of me wanting to flee, escaping before I let my heart lose completely.

There’s no point, though… My heart lost a long time ago.

Now I’ve got to face the mess I’ve made, but I don’t want to do that yet. The piece of me who wants to run might be big, but the other who’s afraid to say goodbye to West is bigger. “What if I stay for Thanksgiving?” I’m shocked at how quickly I ask the question, not spending minutes or hours chewing on it before I allow myself to ask. “Frankie has to go to New York for a last minute band thing. Like an important one, so…” I trail off.

West couldn’t hide the shock on his face if he tried. His eyes grow wide and he cocks his head to the side like he thought he might have misheard me. He slips his hand to my forehead, the other sliding behind my neck, where the hood is starting to hold some warmth. “Joey, are you feeling okay?”

I swat his hand away, rolling my eyes. “Never mind, I take it back.” He drops the one on my forehead but doesn’t free me from the gentle hold he has on the back of my neck. I don’t mind it, especially when I try to wiggle away and he tightens his grip.

“No, please.” West scans the empty street, and when he feels like the coast is clear, he pulls me against him, putting his other hand back on my face before he presses his lips against mine softly. “Please stay.” His whisper vibrates against my lips as he kisses them again. “I want you to stay. We don’t have to think about what comes next yet.”

Two more days. I can have two more days with West.

“Okay.” I slide my hands under his coat, connecting them at the small of his back before returning my lips to his.

West tilts my head back and deepens our kiss into something I’m not sure I’ve ever felt. It’s different from the first one he’d given me—the one in Boston that had me agreeing to go back to his hotel room. It’s different from the one we had in New York City, and it doesn't have the same desperation as the one in Detroit.

This kiss has the ticking clock in the back of my head slowing, giving us the time we need to disappear just one last time.

My hood falls down, but not even the cool night air can distract me from the way West kisses me, or how the hand he’d moved from my cheek falls to my back, holding me against him as he tells me what he can’t with words.

No one kisses someone like this if they don’t love them.

I shiver at the thought, but West takes it as me being cold. He softens the kiss, getting greedy at the end with a few more light pecks before sliding his hand to the back of my head, pulling me against his chest. “Fuck, Joey.” West chuckles a deep rumble and wraps his arms around me, finally giving me the opportunity to melt into him.

I take a deep breath, wishing I could get my brain on the same page as my heart, but they’ve never been on the same page… Why start now?