Page 34 of Back Outside Edge

Me

I guess if anybody has it figured out, it would be you.

Now I'm afraid to say anything, in case I'll mess up again.

God, I'm as nervous as I would be talking to someone I had a crush on. Which is ridiculous, because I do not have a crush on Stefan.

Even if he is so much more than a pretty face, an elegant set of lines on the ice, an astonishingly good jumper. I can’t deny he’s more than another skating friend. He's the person I want to spend all my time with, even months after I last saw him. I'm terrified of this conversation, but I never want it to end.

I blow out a breath, trying to reign in my racing heart. This is not something I can do; I can’t allow myself to feel like this. The only thing I can let matter to me is my next competition. The competitive world is too black and white. Win or lose, fail or succeed. I can’t let myself be in a position to be disposable again, to go through the heartbreak of losing someone I love to that world.

If my presence derailed Stefan again, or anything budding between us turned into a scandal that hurt his chances, he wouldn’t hesitate to leave me over it. I can’t run the risk of him deciding I'm not good enough to be worth his time, his love. Maybe it's presumptuous to think it, but I need to protect myself before he destroys me. I've only just started to dig myself out of the hole being discarded left me in last time.

My phone dings again, and my heart stutters. Crap. Was I that lost in my thoughts? I'm in the middle of a text conversation, for God's sake. Texts shouldn’t be startling me.

Stefan Petryk

That's the idea anyway. How’ve you been?

The simple, basic question shouldn't make my heart glow the way it does. Damn it, Evan, snap out of it!

Me

I've been good, just keeping conditioned for next season. Thinking about new programs.

Stefan Petryk

Oh, says the man who says I train too much

I burst out laughing, the sound rattling the pathetic windows that currently are letting way too much unseasonable cold into my apartment. He can still make me laugh like nobody else. This is so bad.

Me

Shut up.

It should make him laugh as well, unless he’s already forgotten.

Stefan Petryk

Asshole

My heart warms, because I'm pathetic that way. He remembers, and I'm feeling too mushy about it. That's dangerous. Way too dangerous.

I need to change the topic, change it to something far, far away from references to our tiny hotel room and the nights spent in it. The elevator. Even further away from the memory of how his voice sounded when he asked me to kiss him, which still sends fire blazing through me.

Me

Speaking of training. When we were in Frankfurt, you said something about maybe helping me with my loop technique?

It might be too abrupt, and I hate begging for help, but, well, I'm begging for help. He did offer, if in passing. He can always say no if he didn’t mean it.

Stefan Petryk

Yeah, I'd be happy to. If you could add it to your repertoire, you'd be unstoppable

Why a loop, though? Have you tried a flip or Lutz instead?

Me