Page 63 of Back Outside Edge

He growls. Actually growls. At me? Maybe the authorities, or the situation in general. "We're working on it. Patience."

Right, well, ok then.

Me

Apparently they're working on it. Whatever that means. Why aren't you out on the ice?

Evan

I was just heading out when I heard my phone.

Me

You should go

Even if I can’t be out there, Evan needs to be. He can’t let me stop him, hold him back. I won’t let him.

Evan

I will in a minute. Are you ok?

Me

I think Mom read all our messages

It's not really a response, but I'm also not sure how I should respond. Can't tell whether I am or not yet. I'm still too numb.

Evan

Well, crap.

Despite the absolute shit show I'm in the middle of, I can't help but smile.

Me

Actually, I think she might have approved

Evan

That's... good?

My smile is growing, turning into something real, something genuine. This man is so fucking perfect. If all of this is good for anything, it's that maybe, just maybe, we can take our relationship public. We can be real. Sure, there will be a million challenges, but for Evan, I’d do just about anything.

Assuming that’s what he wants. We've always sort of talked around it, both of us on the same page, before. We've never planned for this contingency, and now that I’m embroiled in yet another fighting mess, why would he want to go public? Be with me in general. All I’d do is bring him down. He's beautiful and perfect and just coming into his own in the skating world. He doesn't need this.

But shit. It’s Evan. He’d never give up on someone because it wasn’t good for him. He’ll push harder, if anything, try to be there for me when I’m the last person he should be attached to. I’m not good enough for him. I’m not good enough for anyone. All that anger management therapy and I still punched Alexandre.

And fuck, he’s already doing it. Already giving up on what he needs for me. Taking time he should be on the ice to check on me, to console me. When he's just as affected by everything. I can’t let him. I have to stop this.

I have to let him go. Let him be his best, without me. At least until everything is settled down. Then we can really talk it over, if he even wants to.

Me

Go do practice. I’m fine. It’ll all work out

A knock comes from the door, and all three of us startle, staring at it. Dad starts to rise, but Mom waves him back down, saying something to the lawyer as she cracks it open. Her face closes up even more, if possible, and she opens the door fully, admitting the two national coaches who accompanied us to Circuit America.

Well, fuck.