Page 93 of The Cost of Love

“She somehow does this all the time. I walk into a conversation with her ready to decide the outcome, and leave it feeling even more out of control.”

I turn us so now it’s his head resting on my chest. Combing my fingers through his hair, I try to soothe him.

“What do you want to happen with your mum?” Grabbing his hand with my free one, I interlock our fingers.

“That’s the thing; I want nothing to do with her most of the time. I resent her with every fiber of my being, but every time I do anything to cut her off, or even think about turning away from all of this—her included—I feel this overwhelming guilt.

“I thought she only had a hold on Liv, but it’s also me that can’t seem to give up on her, and I don’t know why.”

“She’s your mother,” I say, like that explains everything. Because it should, because the influence they have on us is unmatched. “I have forgiven my mother more times than I count,” I say. “For as long as I can remember, most days she treated us like she didn’t give a damn about us, and then with one good day, I would gaslight myself into thinking that I was wrong, that she really wasn’t that bad.

“I spent so much of my childhood trying to justify her actions because I just couldn’t believe that a mother couldn’t love her kids. That my mother didn’t love me. I didn’t want to feel unlovable.” Which I still do most days. Less now, since meeting him. “It’s so hard to understand that the only people who are supposed to care about you don’t. You aren’t wrong for wishing it were different.”

He lifts his head and then scoots up, facing me. Pulling me onto his lap until I am straddling him, he rubs his hands up and down my thighs while staring into my eyes.

“How do you do it? How did you walk away from your mom?” he asks.

I hold his face between my hands, stroking my thumbs across his stubble. “I didn’t. She kicked me out, and it broke something in me that I’m still trying to fix. But now it’s more important than ever to remember who she truly is, because I’m the only thing keeping my siblings from feeling the way I feel. Your sister wants you to stay in your mother’s life, and honestly, it’s selfish and wrong. She shouldn’t have asked that of you.”

He shakes his head, and I force it still.

“Alex, she shouldn’t have asked you to do this, because it’s okay for you to let your mother go. You deserve better.”

There is a war in his eyes as he blinks back tears. When he looks ready to let them go, he crushes his mouth against mine. The kiss is urgent, needy, desperate, and full of all his pain. I soak it in, trying to free him of some of this burden. He grips me against him so tightly that it shows me how much he will never let go, and I do the same with him trying to make my love clear. No matter how these women feel about us, we have each other as a reminder that someone cares.

Pulling back, his breath heavy, he gulps down air while resting his head on my shoulder. I feel him exhale watery breaths as he still fights to hold it together. I don’t want him to. I want whatever is breaking to fall into my hands so I can keep the pieces for him. I want to be the person who helps him rebuild, like he has started to do with me.

“I got you,” I say, holding him tight. “I’ll catch you.”

He’s silent, but tears wet my shoulder. With every passing minute that he cries, his body loosens more and more. I’ll hold him for the rest of our lives if that’s what it will take for it all to come out.

It takes a while before he stops, and I don’t stop rubbing his back the entire time. When he’s done, he looks at me.

“I love you,” he says.

“I love you, too.”

In this home surrounded by all the people that have made me feel that way, I let myself believe that it isn’t my fault that she didn’t.

Chapter 36

Alex

Christmas lights twinkle, illuminating all the decorations of red and green bulbs. Bows and garland hang on the large branches, alongside stringed popcorn. The star at the top sparkles, cascading light throughout the room. Holiday music playing in the background and the soon-to-be full house makes this year’s festivities extra special.

Theo is delighted by the sight, his bright eyes refusing to look away. I hold him close to my chest and watch as he celebrates his first Christmas.

Liv walks over to me and steals her baby. His eyes dart around, trying to get back to looking at the tree.

“When are they going to be here?” she asks.

We decided to have dinner at my place, since I have the biggest dining room table. I have been aching to see Chanice and the kids since I left last night.

“The car picked them up, and they’re on their way.”

Satisfied with that answer, she goes to feed Theo.

Just as she starts to go down the stairs, the elevator opens. Each one of the Joneses is carrying a tray of food, and it looks like Chanice made more than she was supposed to.