Page 17 of Jacob Michaels is Not Crazy

“What if I never am?” I asked gently, bashfully, shamefully. “What if that never happens?”

Good Lord, this was a bluntly honest conversation.

“I love you.”

“No,” I replied. “You don’t.”

“Pretty close if not.” He shrugged as he threw some butter in the skillet. “Enamored at the very least. You’re absolutely addictive. Delightful. Obsession-worthy.”

“Any more adjectives you want to throw in there?”

“I’ll think of some, I’m sure.”

“I’ve never been in love, Lucas.”

God’s honest truth. Another one fell out of my mouth. And I hadn’t been aware that it was going to happen. Again.

“What does that have to do with me?”

“Nothing.” I chewed at my lip. “And everything. What if I’m not capable of falling in love? With anyone? Even someone like you.”

“What is someone like me like, Rob?” He teased as he threw some chopped onion into the skillet and nudged it around, not even bothering to watch what he was doing.

“Intoxicating,” I said, then frowned. “I don’t like how honest you make me. I don’t do…this.”

“You don’t tell the truth?”

“I don’t tell it so quickly and easily.” I replied. “Especially to some guy I barely know.”

“How’s it feel?” He asked. “Telling me the truth just because you want to? Does it feel like—”

“It feels like I’m not in control.” I stopped him. “Like I’m thinking with my dick instead of my head.”

“Maybe it’s a different organ.” He jabbed the spatula at my chest with a chuckle. “Maybe it’s not your dick—though that is very nice.”

“Make my hash browns.” I swatted the spatula away with a laugh. “But I need to know something. I really, really need to know something very badly.”

“Ask away.”

“Will you hate me if this is all it ever is with us?” I shifted on the stool uncomfortably, feeling very exposed. “What if…it…never happens and it’s just what we have now? Will you not want to even be my friend?”

Lucas frowned down at the skillet as he added shredded potatoes from a bag. He nudged things around for a few moments with the spatula as I sat there and stewed in my own juices, thoughts racing through my head. If I was scared to have him disappear from my life, didn’t that mean something? Sure, it was ridiculous to think that losing someone I had known less than two weeks would devastate me. Ridiculous that someone I had known for such a small amount of time and really didn’t know all that well played such an important role in my life. But I enjoyed my time with Lucas. Even before the sex. Lucas was…he was my only friend.

Is that why you don’t want to fall in love?

Might lose him?

Shut. Up. Brain.

“We’ll still be friends,” Lucas responded lowly, his eyes staying on the skillet. “Even if you don’t ever love me the way I want you to.”

“How do you know?”

He shrugged bitterly. “I just do.”

“Okay.”

“So, can we please not talk about this anymore?” He looked up at me with an easy smile. “Because I want you to eat and fuck me some more.”