Page 43 of Jacob Michaels is Not Here

Chapter 10

When two people finally find each other—maybe it is different for closeted gay teens—but when they find each other, everything happens at the speed of light inside a bubble. Whenever they are together, they are each other’s world. They are the only two people that they can be themselves with all day long. Things happen at an accelerated pace. What might take years to learn about each other happens in the blink of an eye for two gay teens. It is a microcosm of first love that only LGBTQ people can fully understand. Two boys may seem to fall in love too quickly to some, but to others, it is understandable that they fell so deeply so quickly. Their relationship was accelerated due to conditions beyond their control.

Because two gay teens in a rural town in Upper Ohio find it difficult to announce to their community that they are, in fact, a couple, their world goes askew. Two people, afraid to say something as simple as “I have a boyfriend” are often reluctant to speak up about anything that is dangerous. One of the teenagers might not talk about being pressured to try drugs or alcohol. The other might not tell his parents that he is engaging in risky behaviors, such as unprotected sex, drunk driving, or illegal activities. Both teens may not tell their parents or guardian that a gang is trying to recruit one of them as a member.

Not that any of these things happened to Lucas and me, but we often found ourselves in situations where a parent or guardian knowing what was going on would have kept us out of trouble. Even though I had told Oma about liking Lucas Barkley, Lucas made me promise not to tell her anything else about us. He wasn’t ready to face his own parents, his grandparents—and neither of us was prepared for any of our friends to know about us. Two gay teens trying to figure out their sexuality and their love for each other shouldn’t have to worry about acceptance. But that was forced upon Lucas as well.

Lucas and I were laying down on our stomachs in the rowboat on Lake Erie. The sun had been setting when we started rowing back to shore, but now the moon was out, shining down on our backs. One Saturday afternoon, after Lucas had come to my house after football practice in the early fall, and we had hopped into the boat and paddled far from shore. Being away from shore, out on the middle of the lake, away from everyone else, we could talk about anything, kiss, just be ourselves. We didn’t have to worry that anyone would see us and make Lucas more uncomfortable than he already was at figuring out his sexuality at that age.

The afternoon had been spent holding hands in the boat, talking about our deepest wishes, dreams, and desires. Talking about school. Laughing about our idiot friends and the stupid things they said and did during class. Music, movies, what we were going to do once Point Worth was a distant memory—because we were obviously not going to live in the town our entire lives. We had kissed. A lot. It had been a perfect afternoon. But as the sun began to set and I lounged in the boat as Lucas rowed the boat towards shore once more, things fell apart. Jason and his friends were walking along shore, just far enough away that they didn’t see us before we saw them.

Lucas had pulled me down in the boat, and we huddled there on our stomachs, waiting for them to walk far enough away that we could get to shore and run for it before they saw us. As we laid there, the sun setting incrementally with each passing minute, I had turned my head to look into the eyes of the boy who meant everything to me. What I saw in those eyes wasn’t fear of being called “fag” or “queer” by guys who had only recently become his teammates on the football team. It was something else.

“Why are they always looking for you?” I had whispered.

“I don’t know.”

“What will they do if they find out we’ve been hanging out? Why do we always have to hide?” I asked. “I mean, guys hang out. We can tell them we’re friends.”

“They don’t care that I’m hanging out with you, Rob,” Lucas whispered.

“Then…why are we always hiding?” I asked gently. “Are they mean to you or something? Do you think they’ll be mean to me?”

“They wouldn’t even care if they caught us kissing.” Lucas croaked. “They don’t give a shit about that stuff.”

I stared at him for several moments.

“I don’t stay in the closet to protect me.”

There was nothing to say to that either.

“I stay in the closet for you.” He added. “To protect you.”

“You staying in the closet protects me?” I was confused. “I thought you didn’t say anything because your family and friends would…I don’t know…like disown you or call you names…or worse?”

“I don’t want anyone to know how much you mean to me.”

That touched my heart but confused me more.

“Are you ashamed of me?” I asked, the bottom of the boat hurting my sternum as we laid there.

“No.” Lucas insisted immediately. “I would never be ashamed of you, Rob. I just…I don’t want you to get hurt.”

This statement I found to be even more confusing than any of the others. For the entirety of my relationship with Lucas—once it had become romantic—I had assumed Lucas kept me a secret due to shame or fear of what his friends and family would do. But he was afraid for my safety?

“Why would I get hurt?”

“You’ll call me crazy.”

I did look at him like he was insane then.

“I would never call you crazy.”

Lucas swallowed hard, his eyes burning with fear.

“They want me to…they want me to be like them.”

“Like…well, I mean, you’re already a football player, Lucas.” I whispered back.