Page 51 of Jacob Michaels is Not Here

“Since before we decided that I should use magic to make us safe. I’ve loved you that long, Lucas.”

Lucas just stared at me, his face etched with worry.

“I’ve loved you since we made love in the woods behind Oma’s house when we were sixteen—the night before I left for Hollywood.” I felt my throat clenching up. “I’ve loved you since Jason and his pack were trying to recruit you. I’ve loved you since I told you about the Kobolds in Oma’s house when we were sixteen, and you weren’t even unnerved. I’ve loved everything about you since we first met.”

“Rob…”

“Do you want to remember how long you’ve loved me?” I asked gently.

“When?”

“A few nights ago.”

“How?”

“I won’t tell you.” I shook my head slowly. “Unless you want to have your memories back. If you don’t want your memories back, then we will act like this never happened. We will go back up there—”

I pointed towards shore.

“—put on our socks and shoes, finish our romantic walk, then go home and make love all night.” I continued. “But I want you to make the decision for yourself which thing you want to do. Because I don’t want to force you one way or the other. Having your memories back can put us both in more danger. Not having your memories could put us in danger. And, who knows, maybe having your memories back will make you go whack-a-do. I don’t have the answers to any questions that might be flooding through your mind. But I have your memories. If you want them.”

“Where?”

I tapped a finger against my head.

“Those are your memories.” He whispered.

“I brought yours with me,” I said. “Just like I promised I’d do. Ten years ago. When we promised that everything was temporary and I would come back. I will never break a promise to you.”

Lucas stared at me for the space of several breaths, then his arms rose, and he took my hands in his. He looked down at his hands holding mine, both of us chilled to the bone, though we couldn’t concentrate on the cold. I waited as patiently as I could as Lucas looked at our hands in the near darkness, only the moon shining down on us, then he finally looked up.

“Why didn’t you tell me you got our memories back?”

“I didn’t know how much danger it would put you in,” I said apologetically. “I didn’t know if telling you would make things better or worse. But now I know that either way we may be fucked. And I knew it was your choice to decide if you want to know everything you’re supposed to and be fucked, or be ignorant and fucked.”

The corner of Lucas’ mouth turned up.

“Are all the memories happy?” He asked, reticently.

“The ones about us are.”

That was the best answer I had.

No one has only good memories.

“Will they make me feel differently about you?” He was chewing at his lip.

That made my heart soar—but I would not be distracted from the task at hand. Lucas had to make a decision.

“I don’t think so,” I said. “But…you can remember everything. Know me as a complete person. Then you can decide if you still feel the same about me. I’m willing to take the risk that you won’t love me anymore if having your memories back is what you really want. I don’t want to take away your autonomy, Lucas. I want us both to be whole people. To know each other fully. I don’t want this relationship to go forward with anything but the full, unadulterated, ugly truth.”

“Then, I want my memories.”

“You sure?” I squeezed his hands. “I won’t be mad if you don’t.”

“Rob,” He sighed, “I want to love you and everything about you. You telling me that you don’t want to take my choice away from me lets me know that this will not change how I feel about you.”

I nodded and slowly slid my hands away from his.