Page 44 of A Straight Line

Chapter 11

Bang Bang Baisemoi

“Look at all of you drunk bitches.” Bang Bang hissed at all of us reproachfully, her mouth turned up in a wicked, red-lipsticked smile.

Even from the back of the room, I could see her signature grin.

Everyone snapped and hollered for Bang Bang.

“Oh, shut the fuck up!” She waved us all off as she crossed her arms over her chest. “You all look a hot damn mess. Just look at all of you!”

We all laughed at the way she admonished us. We all knew that Bang Bang was just teasing.

“Drunk,” She exclaimed. “Sweaty. Shirtless. Probably high.”

Several whistles echoed through the crowd.

“And do I see…body glitter?” She held a hand over her eyes to peer out at the crowd. “Who took Simon’s advice on how to dress for a party?”

Everyone laughed loudly—well, those who knew Simon laughed the hardest. I was certain, though I couldn’t find him in the crowd, that Simon wasn’t laughing. Phil was probably stifling laughter so that Simon wouldn’t chew him a new asshole at home.

“Body glitter!” Bang Bang ‘tsked’. “Ever hear the one about the two guys who were arrested at Michael’s for dipping their testicles in the glitter?”

“NOOOOO!” The crowd shouted in unison.

“Well, I don’t remember the entire story, but it was pretty nuts!” Bang Bang fake laughed and waved a hand at the crowd.

Everyone laughed, and I gripped Denny’s hand tighter.

“I used to wear body glitter all the time, you know,” Bang Bang announced, to which the audience did their part and pretended to be shocked. “No! It’s true, it’s true. I hate to admit it, but I, Bang Bang Baisemoi, used to be a body glitter junkie!”

Again, the crowd displayed disbelief. I joined in with the hollering like we were at a midnight viewing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

“My roommate used to get so mad at me!” She crowed. “I’d come home after nights out at the clubs—this was when I was in New York.”

Bang Bang patted at her hair arrogantly, making everyone laugh.

“And I was too tired to clean myself off. Too tired to even take a shower. I’d just fall down asleep wherever I could. Well, my roommate, he’d get so mad at the trail of glitter. The glitter on the floor. The glitter on the sofa. The glitter on the counters. He’d complain, complain, complain. So, I finally told him that I’d stop. That’d I’d give up my body glitter habit.”

The crowd responded with a round of “no!”

“Yes. I did. So, when he went out to work one night, I mixed up a bucket of glue and glitter. Hung it right up over the front door of our apartment.”

The crowd was laughing in anticipation.

“Hung it right up over the front for his return,” Bang Bang said. “And then I stood there and waited. Sure enough, two hours later, he came home with a pocketful of cash. He opened that front door…and I punched him right in his face.”

Everyone laughed uproariously.

“Yes, I did.” Bang Bang screamed at the crowd. “Yes, I did. I don’t regret it one bit. The asshole had it coming. Tell me I can’t wear body glitter. Wear your body glitter, boys. Be a hot damn mess! Be proud!”

More hoots and hollers.

“What kind of job is only two hours a day?!?” Someone shouted from the audience.

Everyone in the audience laughed.

Bang Bang leaned forward on the stage in the general direction from which the voice had come.