Page 72 of Talk to Me

Theo and I laughed.

“Make a video for Peepers asking everyone else’s opinion,” I suggested. “If you’re brave enough to deal with twenty-bajillion different viewpoints.”

“I don’t have that kind of energy,” Theo said.

“Are these the kinds of things you think about all day?” I asked as I tapped my phone to restart the music.

Fairytale of New York started to play lowly in the background. I desperately wanted to turn up the volume and sing along, but I figured that would be rude after asking Theo a question.

“I mean, if you’re going to succeed as an influencer, yeah,” Theo said. “You have to consider what everyone will think of your content and try to offend the least amount of people with each post.”

“The least amount of people?”

“Yeah. You can’t please everyone.”

“So…no matter what you do, someone will be pissed about it, so you try to figure out which content will statistically have the most positive return?”

“Yes. I explained it simpler, though.”

I laughed. “Isn’t that absolutely exhausting?”

“Isn’t every job exhausting?” Theo asked.

“Well, sure,” I said. “They wouldn’t call it ‘work’ otherwise. But I don’t know. Accountants probably don’t sit around wondering if that five they just typed into Excel is going to get them ratioed online or something.”

“Fair.”

I thought about what we’d discussed for a moment and had a thought.

“People can’t find anything wrong with your animal videos,” I said. “Right?”

Theo snorted derisively.

“People can find something to make them pissed about anything,” he replied.

“Wow.”

“I’ll prove it,” he said, picking up his phone as he sipped his coffee. “I’ll just read you some of the comments from that squirrel video you liked so much.”

“Oof,” I said. “I’m glad I just watched the video now and didn’t pay that close of attention to it.”

“You’re about to be really glad you minded your business,” he said as he flicked his thumb on his phone screen. “Because—”

The music continued to play in the background as Theo stared down at his phone and I drove down the highway. Fortunately, the holiday traffic was virtually nonexistent, so we were making good time. Within a half hour, we’d be pulling into the parking lot of Midway University. The fruit and coffee could then have their way with us. I shot Theo a glance.

“What is it?” I asked. “Can you not find the video?”

Theo sighed. “No. Just…people are tagging me in a video Ben made.”

“Gross,” I said.

“Yeah,” he said. “He’s probably bitching and moaning vaguely about how down he is and his mental health and insinuating that I’m all to blame for it.”

“You’re to blame for everything,” I said.

Theo chuckled, but his heart wasn’t in it.

“Just ignore it,” I said, reaching over to try and snatch his phone.