Page 99 of Talk to Me

Then I sent the message. Less than ten seconds later, the bubble with three dots popped up and began jiggling in the lower right-hand corner of the text box.

OK. Are you in your room?

Smiling gratefully down at my phone, I responded back as quickly.

Yep.

A second later, Theo’s response came.

I’ll be down in a minute.

I gave him a thumb’s up emoji and left it at that. I leaned over and set my phone on the bedside table, then laid my hands in my lap, clutching them together as I waited. My wait was short-lived. Ten seconds later, the door swung open and I looked up expectantly. When I saw Collin standing there, the duffel still slung over his shoulder, I sagged.

“Sorry,” he said quickly. “I forgot something. I’ll be quick!”

“Okay,” I responded.

I continued staring at my lap, wringing my hands as Collin banged around on his desk for a second. Then, as quickly as he came, he was headed back to the door.

“Sorry,” he said again. “I’m going. Good luck with Theo. Whenever you talk to him.”

I looked up.

“He’s on his way,” I said.

Collin gave me a tight smile.

“Okay. I’ll get out of the way,” he said. “I really am sorry. Again.”

I nodded, and with that, he dashed back out the door, the duffel swinging on his shoulder.

When the clicking of the door shutting didn’t sound through the room, my eyes shot to the door once again. An arm was stuck through the door, stopping it from closing. As he pushed it open, Theo peeked his head in sheepishly, giving me a small grin. Without willing it, a smile bloomed on my face as Theo came into the room, slipping inside quickly, letting the door click shut behind him. It was obvious that he was trying to keep anyone in the hallway from seeing inside my room and the two of us together. I wanted to be bothered by it, but I couldn’t even force myself.

After the last month, I understood why Theo was doing everything he could to avoid any drama at any cost. Even with people mostly saying nice things about him—and us—online, and defending him against Ben, it was overwhelming. Though I still couldn’t wrap my mind around the desire to be an influencer, famous, and part of the zeitgeist for a particular community, I realized that it was more than simple work. It was an all-consuming method of making money where there was no clocking in or out. Every minute of your life became work.

Mitigating the pressure was all Theo could do at times. Taking personal offense to his efforts was somewhat cruel on my part. At the very least, it meant that I wasn’t trying to understand how he felt when he tried to be low-key.

“Hi,” he said, reaching up to run his fingers through his hair.

I didn’t know if he was trying to pat it down or it was a nervous gesture. His hair, as always, had a stylish chaos to it, so patting it down didn’t do it any favors.

“Hi,” I replied.

He stood there, staring at me sitting on the edge of the bed, neither of us sure where to start.

“Well,” he said, breaking the silence as he tentatively shuffled over, “Collin took off down the hall like his ass was on fire when he saw me.”

Theo sat down next to me on the bed, leaving enough space between us to be clear about his intentions, but close enough to not make things more awkward. I chuckled at his comment as my mind spun, thinking of how to begin the conversation that needed to happen.

I wanted to blurt all of my feelings out to Theo, about how I missed him, wanted to keep dating, and that my heart was broken not seeing him every day. Telling him that seemed psychotic in the moment since I’d been so reticent to even consider him as anything more than a friend in the past. Suddenly telling him that our relationship meant so much to me might make him think I couldn’t regulate my own emotions. Or that I had been playing games with his.

Telling him that I felt like he was being ridiculous about avoiding the drama surrounding his previous relationship with Ben was on the tip of my tongue. Saying such a thing felt as though I was being dismissive of his feelings, though. I had no idea what it felt like to be Theo. One could argue that having chosen to be an influencer, Theo had brought things on himself, but that was reductive of the situation, too. Signing up to be semi-famous was not the same as agreeing to let people make up lies about you, spread lies about you, or simply treat you with disrespect. Theo’s choice to be an influencer shouldn’t mean he was less deserving of the basic human dignity afforded everyone else.

Suggesting that he ignore what people were saying and doing also felt dismissive. I’d had my share of people whispering, pointing, and staring. Not to the level Theo had experienced, but that was the point. Even a fraction of what he dealt with overwhelmed me to the point that I didn’t want to spend time around people. Simply being known as Theo’s friend, and then boyfriend, was enough to make me nervous around people. So, suggesting that the situation was something one could ignore would be a completely ignorant take.

But I had to say something.

“I miss you,” I said.