Page 14 of Hope and Country

I didn’t need to be reminded why he was teaching me a valuable lesson when his fist connected with my flesh. And bones.

Images of Riley flashed through my mind.

Everything was easy with him. And I’d remember his warm smile forever. Like a safe haven, shielding me from all this pain.

Riley was everything that Robbie wasn’t.

A ray of sunshine in the pouring rain.

A star in the darkness.

A glimpse of hope in times of war.

For a minute, I could really picture him as my knight in shining armor. The one about whom I, as a little girl, locked in a castle tower—or rather a violent household—had dreamed about. The one rescuing me from my fate. My very own happy ending.

Wasn’t he? Or did he have some unsaid motive?

No, he was too genuine. Warm. Even to that waiter girl.

I wished he were here. Loving me. Believing in me.

Who was I fooling, except myself? By now, he probably believed Robbie was my pimp or something.

Tears welled in my eyes.

Bile surged into the back of my throat, and I emptied my stomach behind a bush.

This was my body’s response to violence and terror. Even after all these years, I couldn’t get used to it.

With trembling fingertips, I dried the tears rolling down my cheeks, my eyes focusing on the point where I knew Robbie’s cruiser had disappeared into the night.

My limbs weighed tons as I staggered up the concrete stairs leading to the front door of my apartment building.

I took the elevator to the fourth floor, too weak to climb the stairs.

Adrenaline had drained from my body, my entire self now heavy and slow.

Once in the safety of my home, I pressed my back against the door and let my emotions out, my face in my hands and shoulders slumped in defeat.

My back glided against the door, and I crumpled to the floor in a ball, the detritus of my broken dreams disappearing like wisps.

The tear dam had broken, and I had no idea how to fix it this time—or if I even wanted to fix it. Years of carefully held back emotions erupted.

You’re stronger than this, Devon, I repeated to myself.

Don’t let Robbie steal you of your heart. And soul.

You’re better than this life. You deserve better. You’ll find a way out.

Eventually. One day. Keep trying for a better future. Never stop dreaming.

Riley’s words replayed. Don’t worry. The sun always comes out after the rain. Did my mother, from wherever she was, send him to me tonight? Did she know we would hit it off? Or was I overthinking everything? Now, in the silence of the night, I wished I could believe those words. That they would eventually make sense to me.

Icing my bruises after a long shower, I boiled water to make tea, then sat on the sofa, my legs folded underneath me, holding tight the warmth between my hands.

I checked the time. Midnight.

In one last prayer attempt before going to bed and chasing some much-needed sleep, I closed my eyes.