Page 121 of Kickoff

“You don’t want me to be upset? Wow, are you kidding me right now? What else am I supposed to do? Think what you’re doing is cool and watch you kill yourself slowly and forfeit all your dreams? The ones you’ve been working so hard for? No thanks. All this talk about control... You duped me... All along, I-I thought you were passing some athletic wisdom to me and that we were bonding. What a joke.” I dragged a hand over my face, not sure what to say. This was not how I saw my morning going. I was no shrink and was not sure what were the right things to say at this moment. “Mel…be honest with me. Here and now. Was there really a new training regimen, or was it some bullshit you made up? I need you to tell the truth to my face.”

She remained silent for a full minute. “Mase, you can’t call me out on things I did or said.”

“Sure, I can. The fasting, the extra hours at the gym, the fifty additional laps at the pool, the nausea and stomachaches, the migraines—were any of them true, or were they all ruses?”

She cocked her head to the side, looking away.

“That’s what I was thinking. You played me like a fool. Can you imagine how fucked up this is? In case you haven’t caught up yet…I’m infatuated with you, Mel. I would have rearranged the stars for you if you’d asked me to. And now…now, I feel cheated.” My entire body shook from the new surge of anger building inside me. “I would still drop everything and give it to you if you ask me, even though I know what I know now. I just feel like it’s a one-way kinda relationship. I’m not sure I know you…the real you. Do I? Was any of it, the times we spent together, genuine, or was it only real in my mind?”

“I care about you, Mase. I do.”

“Well, if you do, let me in. Let me help you.”

“No.”

I sighed. “Why not? I’m here. That’s all I’m asking.”

“Because I don’t want you to.”

“I don’t believe you.” I love you. “You need someone in your corner, someone to rely on when things get tough. I’m that guy for you.”

“You can’t be. I won’t let you.”

“But—”

“No but. We’re done. If you can’t respect my way of doing things and you believe I’m not in control, then this thing between us leads nowhere.”

“Nowhere? What are you talking about?”

“Mase, I’m setting you free. You don’t have to feel obligated to be by my side.” She glanced down for a long second before staring back at me. “I…I don’t want you in my business anymore. This is over.”

“I would actually think you were serious, had you sounded like you meant it. This situation…it’s just a bump in our road…in your road. You said it yourself. You have been doing great for a long time. I don’t see you not being able to heal again. Don’t say stuff, thinking you can chase me away, because it won’t work. Anyway, we’re good for each other and⁠—”

“Nah, we’re not. Look where our relationship has gotten me.”

“Are you putting the blame on me?”

She dropped her shoulders, some of the fight leaving her. “I can deal with my own shit. Stay out of it. Leave me alone, Mase. We can’t be friends anymore.”

“Why? Because I said your parents were right and you should get help? Because I wanna help you and be there for you?”

“No. Because I don’t have a freaking problem and you think I do. Can’t you guys see I’m okay? I’m tired of people telling me they know better than me about what’s best for me. I’m the boss of my life and my body… Not my parents, not Coach, not you. If you can’t accept it, then this relationship is over. Effective now.”

“Mel…” I spoke slowly, praying my words would make her rethink her pushing-me-away act. “I get it, but this time around, I’m not sure you understand how bad it has gotten. And also, stop acting as if you’re the only one who gets to decide what’s good for us. I’m not the boss of you, true, but you’re not the boss of us either.”

“There is no us—that’s the thing—and there’s never been one. Stop pretending we’re more than what we are to each other…”

“You’re impossible right now. Do you hear yourself?”

Was she hurting me on purpose? Was this her attempt to chase me away? Because it was pretty lame.

“I stand behind what I said. You’re not better than any of them, and if you think I have a problem, then you’re not on my team.”

“Whoa, that’s how you wanna play it? We don’t agree on something and you flush me from your life like I never mattered? Mel, this is how cowards act. I never pictured you to be one.”

“I’m no coward.”

“Then prove it.”