Page 47 of Kickoff

She nodded, a somber expression painting her face. “Thanks.”

I was in bed by eleven, trying to catch some rest since tomorrow was going to be a big day. Unable to quiet my racing thoughts, after tossing and turning for a couple of hours, I dressed in a pair of old sweatpants and a hoodie and made my way down the hallway. I faced my mother when I entered the kitchen. A quick glance at the oven digital clock told me it was almost one in the morning.

“Mase, I thought you went to bed hours ago?” she asked, a worried expression clouding her face. Her light brown hair was piled at the top of her head, her blue eyes boring into mine. My mom and I looked very much alike and shared most of our facial features, but hers remained soft through the years while mine became more angular the older I got. Even though Craig and I were very similar, he inherited most of our dad’s genetic traits.

“I did…huh…I tried. I couldn’t sleep.” The game tonight, the homecoming dance on Saturday night I was ditching, Melinda and Landon going together, and our jog dates. The game was the only thing I should be anxious about, yet the idea that Melinda and I would spend many hours together multiple times a week made me restless. I couldn’t screw this up. Helping her out with something that meant a lot to her was my chance to prove that I wasn’t some immature idiot but rather someone trustworthy. And that we could be more than friends and our chemistry was still there even after all these years.

“Want me to make you some tea? I was having trouble sleeping too. Your dad is snoring. He’s been working longer hours these days, and I think it’s finally catching up with him.”

I eyed the front door. “I think I’ll go for a walk.”

“In the middle of the night? You would tell me if your insomnia was serious, right?”

“Yep. It’s just the pressure of the game. Nothing else. Playing against Cowley High always does that to me. There’s a lot at stake.”

“I don’t want you to fall into old patterns. Do you remember? During sophomore year, the recurrent bouts of insomnia before games had been a huge problem. Even your grades suffered.”

“Fully aware. I swear it’s not like that this time around.”

“Are you still doing those breathing techniques when you feel overwhelmed?”

“Yeah. And I’m trying to do more visualization. I’m getting much better at it. Coach says it shows, and my game has improved too. I’m still not good at meditation, though. I find it hard to sit there and not do anything for fifteen minutes. My mind never shuts up when I have no distraction.”

“You, my son, are so much like me. Craig and your father can sleep through an earthquake. We’re the emotional ones, even though we try to act like everything is fine all the time. It’s okay to be vulnerable sometimes, Mase. Growing up, I had no options and had to deal with it, but you have choices nowadays. Society is much more forgiving about anxiety and other mental struggles. It’s okay if your mind wanders when you do mediation. Give it some time. As long as you keep trying. That’s all I’m asking.” She cradled my cheek with a palm. “I want you healthy, physically and mentally. Always.”

“I’m all right, Mom. I swear.”

She watched me for a long moment. “Do you recall my friend Susan?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Remember I told you her nephew got recruited to play professional baseball next year?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Well, he was in a car accident two weeks ago. Drunk driver. Broke his hips and two ribs. His baseball career is over."

"Shit."

"Language."

"Sorry. Why are you telling me this?"

"Because... I know playing professional football is your dream, but you never know what life has in store for you."

I raised one brow. "And what’s that supposed to mean?"

"When you go to college next year, choose a major that interests you. Don’t just go to college so you can play ball. In the long run, if things don’t work out as you’re hoping then you have a plan B."

"Geez, Mom. Depressing much? What has gotten into you?"

"It’s true, Mase. You might not see it now because you are young and healthy and thriving, but sometimes things happen, and the choices you make will impact your future."

"Playing football is my future. It's all I’m good at and all I’m interested in. There’s nothing else for me."

"Are you sure?"

"Yep. I won’t let anyone or anything get in the way of my playing pro dream.”