Page 4 of Carter

Four months later

Isat there, on a white garden chair, with Jack in my arms, inhaling his baby scent to keep my heart from burning to ashes inside my chest. I struggled with my nerves. And my breathing.

My body quivered.

Chills ran up and down my spine. The not-so-good kind.

The tie around my neck felt too tight.

My skin itched under the fabric of my trousers.

I tried to avert my eyes, but somehow, they stayed glued to the scene playing before me.

All I could think was that I wished it’d been me, standing up there, exchanging those vows, sharing those smiles. And being on the receiving end of the look in Dahlia’s sparkling eyes. The one I’d been wishing for years to be aimed at me someday. The one I had for a moment—so brief I still wondered sometimes if it really happened—and then lost.

My insides turned to ice, and I felt I’d snap with only one tiny push.

“By the power vested in me by the State of Tennessee, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride,” the officiant, a man with thick white hair and dark-framed glasses, said. My heart fell ten stories down my chest and ended up in the tips of my toes, struggling between life and death.

I sucked in some air. It didn’t go through.

My head turned.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

My lungs collapsed. I blinked. The air coming in and out of me burned as if flames licked the lining of my throat.

I coughed and fastened my grip around the toddler now fully awake and jiggling in my arms. He laughed at something, and I pulled him closer to my heart. “I love you, buddy, I always will. You’ll always be my family, mine to love and protect no matter whom your mama chooses to love. I’m not going away, Jack. Never. You’ll always be able to count on me. I love you so much.”

We exchanged a glance, and when he smiled at me, it joined some pieces of my heart that just got shattered inside my chest a few minutes ago.

Jack put a finger between my lips, and I kissed his small digit.

“You and me, buddy, we’re cut from the same tree. No matter what happens in my life, your mama and you will always be my top priority.”

I blinked my tears away as I watched Dahlia and Nick kissing as if they were all alone in this world at the altar under an arch of white roses. Dahlia wrapped her arms around her now-husband’s neck, and he lifted her up, both of them smiling like fools. Fools in love. Something I never seemed to achieve for myself. No matter how hard I tried.

I swallowed the burning rock down my throat, wishing I could have what they had. Wishing I could have the bride. That she’d love me as much as I loved her.

This wedding was a déjà-vu. Something my heart would never get used to. It dug up memories I never thought I’d revisit someday. The ones I’d pushed away a long time ago.

Jack’s smile grew wider, and he caught all my attention.

“We can do this, buddy. Hills men against the world.”

“Cattter.” I nuzzled his neck, and Jack giggled. Warm, innocent giggles. The ones able to glue back together all the pieces of my broken heart every time I heard them. The ones telling me I was still alive.

“Yeah, buddy. I’m right here.” Jack gave me a drooling kiss on the cheek, and we both watched as his mama and Nick walked up the aisle, a halo of light around them, their happiness visible probably even from space.

“Mama is pretty,” Jack said against my neck, clapping his hands together.

“Yeah, she is. Always has been.”

The clamp around my heart tightened.

Dahlia’s eyes locked on mine, and we shared more in our gazes than any word could.

I love you, mine said.

I know. I love you too. Thanks for everything,hers replied.

I wish it’d been me,mine said.

I’m sorry I’m not in love with you. Don’t give up. Your turn will come.

After dinner, couples paired up on the dance floor while I nursed yet another glass of water with some fancy green paper umbrella and a Maraschino cherry on a pick, doing my best to pull off the nonchalant vibe.

Everything in me screamed in pain.

I couldn’t keep yearning for my childhood best friend.

Time to create a life for myself.