Page 62 of Taming Lady Temperance

“‘There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus,’ Romans 8:1,” James countered. “Paul counted himself a murderer, too, yet once he accepted Christ’s redemptive grace, that sin was forgiven and washed away. Just as yours was.”

James reached for her hand again, and this time she didn’t pull away. She craved his acceptance too much. Even if only offered for a single night.

His thumb caressed the back of her hand. “I’m not saying you don’t bear any responsibility for the choice you made. We all have to heed the convicting voice of the Holy Spirit and admit our wrongs if we want to be forgiven. Yet I heard deep remorse in your recounting. You’ve already sought the Lord’s forgiveness, haven’t you?”

Noreen bit her lip and nodded. “Yes, though it took several years for me to believe that he would actually grant such a favor.”

All those tearful nights kneeling by her bed, telling God how sorry she was and begging for forgiveness. She’d prayed over and over again, her guilt and shame drowning out the sweet whisper of Jesus promising pardon. Leaving the farm had made it easier. Not having to walk through the barn every day and see the place where her father’s body had lain allowed her to heal to some extent and finally accept the Lord’s forgiveness. But trusting the Lord proved much easier than trusting people.

She’d never told her mother about that night because she feared her mother would cast her out, and she’d be left with no one. She’d not told Martha or Jane for the same reason. Friends had been exceptionally difficult to come by for a bristly girl with a chip on her shoulder and a crusade in her heart. She couldn’t risk losing them. So she’d buried the truth deep inside and turned her attention to Jesus’s command to go and sin no more, pledging to make restitution for her sins by fighting the good fight of temperance.

Until today, when the good fight had been tarnished by anger, pride, and vengeance. The compulsion to bend others to her will and punish those she deemed in the wrong had driven mercy out of her soul, the very trap she’d sworn never to fall into again. Yet here she was, back in the pit.

“I thought I had put it behind me. But when I saw what Mr. Templeton had done to Luella, something dark seeped back into my soul. It offered a false sense of power and strength when I felt vulnerable and helpless, so I welcomed it. Fed it. Justified its existence. And when I realized that Luella’s father would not be brought to justice, I unleashed the rage, believing the lie that I could command my enemy’s surrender and regain some measure of control.” Her posture slumped. “All I managed to do was forfeit what little control I possessed. Control over my actions, my thoughts, my words. I was the one who surrendered to the enemy, and now I’m paying the price.” A moan vibrated in her throat. “I thought I was smarter than that!”

James gripped her hand more firmly and tugged her toward him. She went willingly, if awkwardly, since her twisted skirt lay trapped beneath her legs. He caught her and hugged her to him before settling her beside him within the crook of his arm. Her face rested against his chest, so when he spoke, the words vibrated against her ear.

“We all have areas of weakness and woundedness that the enemy exploits. Heaven knows, I fall prey to his wiles when it comes to pride and plotting my own path. Paul had his thorn in the flesh, too, and the Lord’s answer to him applies to us as well. His grace is sufficient. There is no limit to his forgiveness, sweetheart.”

Sweetheart? How could he still think of her in endearing terms? Was there no limit to his forgiveness, either?

“Whatever comes tomorrow, Noreen, we’ll face it together. God will never leave you nor forsake you, and neither will I. You have my word.”

What could she say to that? It was the most beautiful promise she’d ever been given. Which was precisely why she was afraid to trust it. She’d been let down so many times by the very people who were supposed to love her. Yet she wanted to believe that things would be different with James. He was a man of honor. A man of principles. A man of God. However, he was also a man of duty. A man who might feel obligated to stay by her side because he had declared his feelings before she’d revealed her secrets. She couldn’t allow him to be trapped by his sense of honor.

“You’re a good friend, James, and a man I respect above any other.” She sat up a bit and looked into his face. This close, she could see his eyes, and she forced herself to hold his gaze. “I appreciate your steadfastness more than I can say, but I need you to know that I have no expectations of our relationship extending beyond friendship. I’m a spinster and plan to be one the rest of my days. I’m married to the cause of temperance, and that is where my allegiance will always lie.”

He said nothing for a long minute, just peered into her eyes as if trying to discern if a message existed behind her words. None did. She meant what she’d said. She wasn’t good for him, and they both knew it. Hadn’t he told her from the very beginning that allying himself with her would be bad for his career? She’d pushed anyway, like she always did, valuing her own objectives above those of anyone else. Well, no longer. Time to put his needs ahead of hers. She cared about him too much to do otherwise.

“Allegiance is a funny thing,” he finally said. “It is not a finite commodity. It can be given to multiple recipients without ever diminishing the amount originally bestowed. It’s rather like love in that regard.”

Love? Her heart pounded with pleasure at his less-than-subtle message, but she still opened her mouth to protest.

“No more talking, Noreen,” he interrupted before she could form a cohesive argument. “We don’t have to solve every problem tonight. We can save some for tomorrow.” He cupped her head and drew her back down to his chest. “Close your eyes and get some rest. Dawn will be here soon enough.”

Perhaps she was giving in to weakness again, but she submitted to his direction, closed her eyes, and relaxed against him. It didn’t take long for sleep to claim her, and when it did, it brought dreams of a handsome deputy speaking words of love.

Chapter

29

James snuggled Noreen while she slept, enjoying the feel of her nestled into his side. Treasuring the trust she bestowed by letting her guard down enough to relax in his arms. It felt right to hold her. As if they belonged together—had always belonged together—though he had to admit he was less than objective about that particular belief. The trick was going to be convincing Noreen that spinsterhood wasn’t her only option.

He’d been analyzing her declaration over the last thirty minutes, and he’d come to a few conclusions. First, she intended to free him from any obligation he might feel toward her. She hadn’t said she didn’t want something more than friendship, just that she had no expectations of such. Second, she held him in some level of esteem. An encouraging confirmation that his feelings weren’t entirely unreciprocated. Yet her affection was a double-edged sword, for it also drove her to protect him and safeguard his career. A fact he would appreciate if her methods didn’t include putting herself out of his reach. Third, and most critical, he strongly suspected she didn’t believe herself worthy of marriage. She might have accepted the Lord’s forgiveness, but she still referred to herself as a murderer. Still defined herself by her worst day. A fact that made his heart bleed.

How do I help her heal, Lord?

He exhaled a breath and lightly tapped the back of his head against the stone wall a few times as if he might be able to knock some wisdom loose inside his skull.

Her story had left a deep ache in his heart. She’d been so young. Vulnerable. Subjected to abuse on a regular basis, either from harsh words or bruising blows. Yes, she’d made a poor choice that night. A sinful one, even. But to James’s way of thinking, her father bore more blame for his death than she did. He’d chosen to drink to excess that night, and the consequences of that choice culminated in the stupor that killed him. Had he not brutalized his daughter for years, she might have had more compassion when she found him. Finn O’Sullivan hastened his own demise, yet Noreen paid the price. Her father was still leaving bruises, just not on her skin. These marred her soul.

James bent down and pressed his cheek against the top of her head. Perhaps finally sharing her secret would ease her burden. He prayed so. He’d do anything in his power to support and encourage her, but his loyalty could only go so far. As much as he would like to, he couldn’t reach inside her heart and bind her wounds. Only her true Father could do that.

You sent your Son to heal the brokenhearted and set at liberty those who are bruised. Noreen needs that healing tonight, Lord. Her heart is broken, and her soul is bruised. Grant her liberty from the shackles of her guilt and create in her a new heart. One that can find rest in your forgiveness and receive the gift of your love. And mine.

Taking care not to jostle her any more than necessary, James slid out from under her and lowered her sleeping form to the mattress. He held his breath when she rolled onto her side, but she didn’t wake. Thankful for his strong night vision, he moved away from the mattress, taking care not to kick any of the extra items that cluttered the usually sparse quarters. Moonlight filtered through the barred windows as well, allowing him to see her face. Eyes that usually sparked with spirited fire rested behind lashes clumped together in spikes from long bouts of tears. The delicate pointed chin that jutted with determination and courage had been retracted to tuck against her collar.

How he wanted to lay beside her and wrap her in his arms, shelter her from the past as well as the present. To whisper reassurances in her ear and rub the shivers from her arms. But he’d not risk her reputation any more tonight. The jailhouse rarely had visitors after dark, but an emergency could arise at any moment. If someone came to summon the law and found him spooning with his prisoner, not only would his career be over, but Noreen would be left to pay the price for another man’s poor choice. He’d not let that happen.