Page 104 of Hearts Lost

Running away, Orryen’s voice says from within my mind. Running away again.

“Do you want to have a connection to your family?” Ithronel asks.

I take a deep breath. This is the question I’ve been turning over and over in my mind for weeks, ever since I pulled Ithronel through the portal and carried her to the Outer Ring.

“I don’t know,” I say.

Which is, I suppose, answer enough. Because it isn’t no. Ithronel’s hand squeezes mine.

“Whatever you choose,” she says, “I’m fine with it.”

Tears sting the corners of my eyes. I tilt my head up, toward the glowsoft orbs swirling in the darkness trapped in place by the ceiling of the world.

“Thank you,” I whisper.

Thank you for letting me choose. Thank you for giving me time. Thank you for the silence you could have filled with your own answers instead of granting me the time and space to find my own.

The fountain sings in the cool darkness behind us, the glowsoft orbs continue to drift in their slow, contemplative circles, and someone calls out for something from deep inside the palace. Slowly, I find the words.

“There’s something else,” I say.

Ithronel watches me with wide eyes. Voids, I love her so much it hurts, like something swelling inside my chest, pushing my ribcage open.

“I would like to be formally introduced to the royal court during the wedding,” I say. “With you.”

Ithronel’s brow wrinkles.

“So, you want to go to the wedding with me?” she asks.

“It’s more than that,” I reply. “If we’re formally introduced to the royal court, together, then it’s a public declaration of our relationship. It makes us official.”

Her eyes narrow and her mouth twitches; once again, I feel like she’s trying not to smile.

“Are we not official?” she asks. “I mean, you spend every night in my room. The Royal Guard even brings your breakfast to my room.”

I smile as I remember asking Ithronel on that first night if I could join her in her chambers. And the bruisingly deep kiss she’d given me as an answer.

“Spending the night together does not an official relationship make,” I reply.

Ithronel’s eyes narrow, then widen. She gasps in mock horror.

“Aloserin!” she cries. “Are you saying everyone in the palace thinks I’m your courtesan?”

“And they’re all damn jealous, too,” I reply, kissing her once again.

But my smile fades. I turn away, back toward the glowsoft orbs.

“There’s more to it than that,” I say, and the words come slowly, like I have to drag them out of somewhere far away. “If you agree to this, to being introduced with me, we’ll be starting a fight with my family. They want to select the person I’m publicly associated with, of course.”

Ithronel makes a little coughing noise, and I realize my smile has come back. Before I met this bold, beautiful woman from the Worlds Above, this woman who laughed in the void’s face, I wouldn’t have even considered fighting with my family. That would have seemed like picking a fight with the barrier itself or throwing stones at the ceiling of the world.

But now? Hells, even the barrier can break. And what could be more important than fighting for Ithronel?

“I don’t mind a fight if you don’t,” Ithronel replies, with a twist to her lips that goes straight between my legs.

“There’s another thing,” I add, stopping myself before I can lean in and give her lips the kiss they so desperately deserve. “If you agree to this, if this is what you truly want, then you need to know that you’re publicly tying yourself to me. And you’re also tying yourself to my family, and— And all the things that family has done.”

My voice pinches at the end, growing tight and high. Ithronel falls silent. When I glance at her, she’s staring at her own hands twisting in her lap.