Page 36 of Hearts Lost

ALOSERIN

HEARTS LOST

Voids below, what did I just do?

My mutinous body is shaking all over as I slip and stumble out of the river and toward a grass-covered bank that seems impossibly far away. I trip once, bash my shin against a muck-covered stone, and then I’m on dry ground. Finally. I rip the pack off my back and concentrate on pulling on my pants as quickly as possible.

“You’re welcome!” Ithronel screams from behind me.

I freeze as my heart throbs in my chest and my mind spins. Voids, this is awful. There’s a splash behind me, then another, and Ithronel must be coming to the shore. Naked. Naked and coming toward me. Heat rises in my cheeks like a fever, and I yank my pants up and over the part of my anatomy that really should not be making any decisions. Ever.

Ithronel splashes onto the shore beside me, scowling and furious and absolutely, heartbreakingly glorious. It’s agony being this close to her. I turn away, forcing myself to stare at the river.

“Stars, I’m so sorry that I just got us out of the void!” Ithronel snaps.

Out of the void? My mind seizes on that like a drowning man grabbing at the wreckage of the ship that was supposed to carry him safely across the ocean. Pale, twisting trees writhe along the banks, and above them, the sky is the deep purple of an angry bruise. I ball my hands into fists, trying to will my body to respond to my control.

“We’re still in the void,” I reply.

Ithronel huffs a breath beside me, and voids, she’s standing so close. Much too close. I take a step away, then another, my heart hammering at the inside of my ribcage, my body crying out to run. To flee. To turn around, pull her into my arms, and—

“Then I’m so sorry it was such a terrible kiss!” Ithronel yells.

Her words slide like a dagger between my ribs, and fuck, I need to get away. My vision blurs with water, water that must have come from the river because the alternative is just unimaginable, and I stumble into the trees, moving fast, pushing my body to walk, then lope, and then run.

“You kissed me,” Ithronel screams. “Asshole!”

Voids damn it, she’s right. She’s right about all of it. I did kiss her. And I am an asshole.

What the fuck have I done?

I run along the river until my legs ache and my lungs burn, jumping over roots and fallen logs, weaving through bushes, not thinking about how this river makes no damn sense. Not thinking about how impossible it is to travel up a waterfall, and how we’ve ended up not at the top of the waterfall but in the middle of a long, flat stretch of river. In the middle of a forest that might be exactly where we started, or perhaps now we’re even further away from the Outer Ring. Even deeper in the void. Even more lost.

I stop and bend over, gasping for breath. My body shakes and shivers at the same time; sweat runs down my forehead to sting my eyes. The back of my throat tastes like blood, as if every breath were tearing at something deep inside.

“Shit,” I mutter.

Next to me, the river chatters happily as it spreads in a long, shallow fan over a bed of pebbles. Something is floating out of the forest to dance over the water, something that looks like golden sparks of light. Dust, perhaps, or some kind of seed, but they seem to be drifting against the little breeze that ruffles the surface of the water. I watch as one comes down to kiss the river, then rises once again into the thick, violet air.

I exhale slowly and let myself sink into the grass. Blood pounds through my exhausted muscles, a relentless drumbeat that offers no quarter. I close my eyes and cradle my head in my hands.

How did I let this happen? Sure, I’ve had flings before, although I’ve always had to be so very careful to keep them from my family’s spies. And I’ve also been this intensely attracted to people before. There was that cute girl in the kitchens who worked with Lythienne and, once in a great while, I’ll feel a spark with someone in the Royal Guard.

And whenever that happens, I avoid them like the nine hells.

I went years without setting foot in the kitchens after the cute girl smiled at me. And I reassigned the guard rosters, took sentry duty in the Outer Ring, even spent nine months on the night watch to stay the hells away from the man with the long, blond hair who’d made me laugh around the fire. Who’d brushed my arm as he’d offered me a pull from his flask.

Because I can’t risk it. I can’t risk letting fierce attraction turn into sex, and sex turn into emotions that would open the gate for my family to charge back into my carefully-constructed life with phrases like carefully vetted. Or betrothed. At first, I’d thought our collective inability to bear children in the Lands Below might have freed me from those pressures, but over the years, my parents have made it abundantly clear that I would have a partner who meets their standards, or I would have no partner at all.

No partner at all had seemed much, much easier.

“Fuck,” I mutter to the river and its attending chorus of dancing golden lights.

I can’t avoid Ithronel. Or at least, I can’t avoid her until we get the hells out of here. I pull in a deep breath and let it out as a sigh.

I’m going to have to face her. The thought makes something deep inside of me flutter with the same sort of fear I’d felt when I woke to blue grass and violet skies, but damn it, there’s no way around it. I’m going to have to sit down with her and explain what I feel and why we can’t.

I pinch the bridge of my nose as a shiver runs up my spine. Voids, I think I’d rather walk back through the portal to King Grathgore’s world than talk to Ithronel about our situation. About my feelings. My father’s cold, rational voice slithers through the crevices of my mind, and I can almost feel his fingers wrapped around my forearm. You are the future of our lineage, he’d said. Any companions you choose must be fully vetted.