Page 18 of The Ghost of Exes Past

‘Sorry, I know you’ve driven over here.’

Jake sits and watches her, still. The girl in front of me is picking her skin apart. I remember the sensation – I can almost hear my heart pounding in my chest from here, ten years in the future.

‘The thing is, Jake …’ She looks to the bedsheets. ‘Sorry, can I start again?’

‘Sure.’

‘Like I said the other night, I just feel like I’m watching everyone else’s lives move forward and I’m just here—’

‘Right, so we’re doing this again?’ Jake rolls his eyes.

Young Belle continues, ignoring him. ‘Do you think we’re … I just wonder if we want the same things.’

Jake shrugs. ‘You know what I think, Belle.’

Belle looks to the side, frowning, pushing her hair away from her face.

‘Where did you go when you left, after our chat?’

‘What’s that got to do with anything?’ Jake says.

‘It’s just … Sorry.’

Jake clears his throat.

‘I don’t think you think I’m good enough to make it on my own.’

‘I haven’t done anything wrong,’ Jake says.

‘You haven’t done anything wrong,’ Belle repeats, almost a whisper, testing the words in her mouth.

‘So what, you’re saying I’m holding you back? I’m the reason you’re miserable?’

‘I didn’t say that.’

‘OK, well, what have I done wrong, then?’

‘Really?’ Belle sounds surprised. Jake frowns.

‘I’ll never be good enough, I get it. Do we have to repeat this again and again?’ His jaw tightens, eyes to the cushions on the floor.

‘You know it’s not that.’ Belle’s eyes are glassy now, filling with tears.

‘Well, what is it, then?’

‘You know what? Actually, I need to ask you something.’ Belle shakes her head and Jake waits. She reaches for a cup of water on the bedside table and sets it down again without drinking. ‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘What doesn’t?’ Jake asks.

‘Forget it.’

‘Okay.’

‘It’s just, whenever I try to take some time and space for myself, you kick off, and it ends in a fight. It’s like – do you want me to be happy?’

‘So, I’m ruining your life?’

‘I didn’t say that. You always twist it around! All I’m saying is I don’t know who I am or what I want. And I thought you cared enough to support me, not make it all about you and how you’ll never be good enough.’ She swallows, audibly, like she’s trying to force it down. Jake ignores the lump in her throat. ‘I want someone who supports me and my goals and wants me to succeed. I want someone to want more for me than … this!’ Belle holds her hand out to the room. ‘I’m twenty-five, and I live at home in my childhood bedroom – I want more than this.’ A tear drops to her lap.