Page 46 of The Ghost of Exes Past

I didn’t realise how much of a professional I’d become at amicable break-ups. I always thought they were by definition messy, awkward, full of tension. I mean, that was until I saw my entire relationship history play out before my eyes. Watching this now, I can see the whole choreography: my gentle hands, my eye contact not faltering, the careful pacing of the bad news. When did I get so good at leaving people? And why the hell am I watching myself break up with Arthur Adler, with Jake Marleigh by my side, the day before my wedding to Timothy Small? I get that tingling urge to check the time, keep on track, but find myself distracted, as younger me consoles the sobbing man next to her.

Young Belle nods, voice soft, letting him down gently, ‘I love you so much, Arthur. But we want different things.’ She looks around the room, eyes landing on the scratching posts littering the floor. ‘I’m starting to feel like the stay-at-home mother of your cats.’

Jake looks between me and younger me, comically.

‘But they love you so much, Belle,’ Arthur says, pulling her hands closer.

Jake next to me points, mouth open. ‘Is he for real?’

I ignore him.

‘I love them too, I really do.’ She nods, Browelle dancing across her forehead. ‘You know I love Dutch, Lenny, Sadie …’ She pauses, sighs, continues, ‘And especially Gavin.’

Jake next to me howls. ‘This is the best romcom I’ve watched in years! Gavin! The cat’s name is Gavin! This man is crying and you’re more worried about a cat named Gavin than him! I’ve been dead for ten years and I never once got that reaction.’

‘I still miss Gavin.’ I shrug, watching the black-and-white cat circle my feet. That cat really felt like my little bestie at times. One of the highlights of lockdown had been spending time with them. They kept me focused, comforted.

Younger me continues, ‘But they want and need me to be in here, and I want to be out there.’ She motions to the door. ‘I’m starting to feel guilty about going out and leaving them alone while I live my life and that’s … not healthy.’

Arthur coughs into the back of his hand, nods.

‘Maybe there could be a point when we could come back together,’ she offers, ‘when the time is right?’

He whimpers then, his shoulders shrinking, like a turtle retreating into its shell.

‘This really hurts, Belle, but I know you’re right.’

Gavin jumps onto Belle’s lap, like he knows what’s happening. His skinny black tail stands straight like a pole and cat hairs glitter the air.

Belle lets go of Arthur’s hand and strokes Gavin, lips pursed together as Arthur cries.

‘I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for me,’ he snivels. ‘It’s been a real honour calling you my girl.’ He snorts and swallows. Loudly.

‘We’ve had some great times.’ Young Belle nods, as Gavin makes biscuits on her thighs. ‘But fresh starts can be good.’

I wince at this. It’s not untrue, it’s just awkward. Something a mum might say to console her kid after a breakup. I really did feel like his mother at times. Washing his boxers while he sat there, gaming.

Arthur smiles, wiping his nose on his sleeve now. ‘I might be better suited to someone who loves gaming as much as I do anyway,’ he says, nodding.

‘I really tried to get into them, but let’s be honest, I wasn’t great, huh?’

Arthur laughs, cheeks wet, nose red. ‘I’ll never forget the time you tried to play Baldur’s Gate … and ended up having sex with a mindflayer.’

Young Belle’s eyes go square, and she forces a laugh, looking to the door.

What can I say? The ‘mindflayer’, with squid tentacles on its face, looked kinda hot at the time. I was deep in my fantasy era. Locked indoors for weeks on end, same type of sex on repeat, no excitement, I was willing to try anything to find some spice … including tentacle porn.

Jake bounces beside me. ‘A what?’

‘A mindflayer. It’s a creature. From a game …’ I tilt my head to the side, replaying the scene in my mind.

‘Right. And you—?’

‘It had tentacles.’

His eyes widen. ‘For a penis?’

‘No. On its face.’