Page 114 of Retrograde

Grief explodes in my chest, suffocating me. Killing me.

“Because I love you, Riley.”

She gasps.

“I love you more than the life I could have had. Because of you, I’m at peace with the world going to hell. I’m at peace with all that’s happened, and all that’s going to happen. I’m at peace because I myself would have burnt everything and everyone to the ground a thousand times over for you.”

She closes her eyes. A soft crease appears on her brow, and her chin wobbles.

“You destroyed me, Riley. I was once a principled man, following my precious set of rules the way night follows day, doggedly and without fail. Hiding from a world that no longer made sense to me behind a mask of blind, unfeeling hatred. Until you came along.” She whimpers when I lean over her to plant a soft kiss on her forehead. “A salvation I never asked for but needed all the same. You saw and saved the man behind the mask, and for that, he belongs to you now.”

Finally, a tear slips free and rolls down her cheek. My relief at seeing her body resume its normal functions overshadows all else, drowns out all thoughts, dissolves all other desires.

Maybe she’s right. I haven’t brought anything but destruction to the world for so long that I can no longer trust myself to bring anything else. When I had to choose between her and the last remnant of the world as I knew it, the choice was clear. But when the choice is between her and the man that I am, the man I have let myself become?

“Don’t talk like that,” she begs me. “Not now. It’s too late. How can I trust you? What could you possibly say to prove you aren’t just manipulating me? Priming me so that it will hurt all the more when you finally strike again?”

The answer to that question rests right on the tip of my tongue, rushing out before I can stop it from tearing me apart.

“I’ll let you go.”

Her breath hitches, her eyes like a window to a half-forgotten dream.

“If you never want to see me again, then I promise I’ll let you go when we reach the shore. I won’t make you stay, and I won’t plead with you. How could I? Why should you take mercy on me when I had none for you when it mattered the most?”

Another tear slides down her cheek, and then another.

“I was blind, Riley. But you made me see that all I ever did was let my precious principles become more important to me than the things they were meant to protect. You showed me that I was waging a hollow war for all the wrong reasons.” I lean over to kiss her tears away. “You are my freedom. I would die fighting for you. If I have lost you, I will spend the rest of my life trying to win you back if you let me. But most importantly, I will do anything to protect you. Anything, even give you up.” The taste of her tears mingles with the threat of my own. “I promise, you are safe now. From everything and from everyone. Even from me.”

And then, before she gathers the breath to stop me, I finally tell her what I did to get her back. I tell her that Retrograde is finished, and there will be no more resistance in the lands that were once our birthright. I tell her that I gave it all up for her. I tell her that we’re both traitors now.

Soon, she is asleep. She kept saying that she didn’t know what she wanted. I kept telling her she’d have all the time in the world to decide. Until her whispered words grew thick, her breathing evened out, and her eyelids got heavy.

Now I’m lying next to her, watching over her even when my own body feels like lead, and my eyes are burning with exhaustion. But I’m not letting myself drift off to sleep, not for as long as I can help it.

She may have nightmares after what she went through. I know all too well what that’s like. I’ll be here. I’ll be here to wake her, to hold her, to talk her through it. I’ll be here if she needs me. Until she doesn’t.

When we reach the coast, I will make sure she’s safe and settled. And then I’ll return to what remains of the Rifterland, to die fighting as I was always meant to. To die the death I owe to my men. Taking Volker with me if I can.

RILEY

My mind wakes up before my body does. My consciousness resurfaces from oblivion abruptly, but my limbs are still like rubber. The boat is rocking gently on the waves, and my first thought is that they somehow got in and are torturing Aron. His tormented voice is a dagger to my heart, severing the last of my resolve.

“Riley! Oh god no, please no! RILEY!”

Moonlight falls in through the window. Aron is thrashing next to me, tangled in the covers. Trapped in what looks like the worst nightmare I’ve seen him have.

“RILEY NO PLEASE! PLEASE!”

His raw desperation drags something from deep within me that I cannot keep buried. Not when I hear his screams, not when I hear my name on his lips, stripped of all pretence in his sleep.

“Aron! Aron, wake up!” Wondering whether there’s a gun under his pillow this time, I give his shoulder a firm squeeze. “Aron! I’m right here!”

His eyes finally snap open, his voice dying mid-wail. He’s panting, more terrified than I thought he ever could be. His hands shoot forward to grab me, but then he freezes, realisation clouding his features.

An ache bleeds into the desire in his eyes. He resists the impulse to touch me, giving me the space that I said I needed. The space that I no longer want.

I’m in his arms in a heartbeat, my naked body flush against his bare chest, my lips crashing to his. The kiss is savage and messy, our breaths mingling and our teeth colliding until I taste copper, unable to tell which one of us is bleeding. Perhaps we both are.