Page 14 of Searching for Mr Tilney

‘I do not often get the chance, I’m afraid. The horses are often needed on the farm or to pull my father’s carriage … but I admit, I would very much like a pony to ride. My brother Fly, or Frank, I should say, has one and he’s an excellent rider.’

‘Fly, did you say?’

‘Yes, on account of his buzzing about, and never sitting still for a minute, though Francis is his real name. He’s going to be a sailor so he won’t have much use for a pony at sea. Frank will probably sell him for far more than he bought him … he’s very clever and bold like that. He’s studying at the Royal Naval Academy in Portsmouth just now.’

‘I should think it an exciting life to be at sea, though I’ve a hankering for the army myself. My father wants me to go to Cambridge to gain my degree, and then see what I shall do, but my mind is made up.’

‘Frank was just the same; he always knew just what he wanted to do from being a very small boy. If I were a boy I’d run away and join him.’

‘And you wouldn’t be afraid of going to sea and fighting pirates or worse?’

‘Not at all! Why shouldn’t the fairer sex have a chance to prove themselves? Not all women are fine ladies, content only to sit and work on men’s shirts or run after them. They are rational creatures, and none of us expect to be in smooth waters all our days.’

‘So, you’d be an adventuress, would you, my little cousin?’

I drew myself up, knowing I was at least six inches inferior to him in height. He seemed to be laughing at me, and for a moment I despised him. If I were a boy he would not hold me in such contempt or laugh at me. I wanted to punch him on the nose.

‘I am as good as any man,’ I answered gazing back into those pellucid eyes that regarded me with great humour.

I thought he might laugh out loud, but he seemed to change his mind, and lowering his eyes for a second he became quite thoughtful. When he looked up again, he studied my face quite intently for a while, and I thought I should not be able to hold his gaze. And then he spoke. ‘I can see that you are, Miss Jane, as good as any man that ever lived.’

We didn’t get another chance to talk as my parents caught us up, and Cassy found my side once more. It was only when we came to bed that I had an opportunity to ask her what she thought of the brothers, and I discovered, to no great surprise, that she thought the same as I did. Though Cassy would never be unkind about anyone, and she always seems to find a good word for the most unlikely character.

‘I think perhaps Lucius was rather shy,’ she began, ‘and he was just trying to show off with the little dog. He clearly feels inadequate to his brother, who I must add seems a little more promising. What did you think?’

‘I quite agree with you on the subject of Thomas, but I cannot like his brother. You must have seen the way Lucius was ogling at you, and even your kind disposition surely cannot defend or excuse such behaviour!’

We exchanged glances, and even though Cassy was trying her hardest to be grave and thoughtful, she couldn’t keep it up. We both fell on her bed in fits of laughter.

‘I really thought I must have spilt plum sauce on my lace.’

‘It’s Mama’s fault for insisting you’re laced so tightly … never mind, we’ll think of something else next time, and you must stop being quite so sweet and alluring … no man can resist you, even if the “man” in question is hardly more than a boy. At least Thomas has a tongue in his head and is quite handsome, though perhaps not in a conventional way.’

‘Jenny, do I detect some partiality? Can this be the same girl who declares she will never fall in love with the opposite sex.’

‘It is, indeed, and on that point, my mind is unchanged. I like Thomas because he is a sportsman and wants to go into the army. If only girls could do likewise. Think of the places we could see, the lands we could visit. Oh, it is so unfair!’

‘Unjust it may be, but I do not share your opinion. I should not like wearing breeches, nor should I like to fight. You cannot really mean that you would be a soldier, Jenny.’

‘I could not kill anyone, that is true, but I envy our brothers being able to go off and out into the world. We will never have the chance to do the same, and sometimes the thought of being trapped at home or being married to a man whom I shall not love is unbearable to me.’

‘You are a funny one, little Jenny.’

‘And that’s another thing - I’m no longer little Jenny to be amused by, and poked fun at - I’m growing up. Thomas had the courtesy to call me “Miss Jane”, and, as it’s my rightful name I shall start using it myself. Woe betide anyone who cannot do the same - indeed, I shall refuse to answer to any but the name given to me at birth in future - I am quite decided.’

‘And are you ready for all the other responsibilities that go hand in hand with growing up?’ my sister asked. ‘Are you able to put aside childish games and running round? Will you stop playing battledore and baseball or prevent yourself from rolling down any green slope that takes your fancy?’

I sighed heavily. I knew Cassy was only repeating what my mother had impressed on me a hundred times before, and though growing into a lady is a fate I cannot forgo entirely, I know eventually even I will be unable to stem its fast approaching inevitability.

***

The weather continues to blaze - my idea of a perfect summer. I love the heat, though my mother and sister complain privately that their corsets give them great discomfort, and they sit indoors as much as they can, or in the shade when in the gardens. I’ve been giving growing up a lot of thought, and am much relieved that I am in a position to hold off on the duties of adulthood for a couple of years more. The very idea of being bound by such undergarments is enough to make me starve myself in an attempt to preserve a child-like figure. Though it cannot be denied, I see small changes happening in my body, and Cassy has told me of many more to come that I do not wish to think about. She assures me all will be well, but if I think about what it means to become a woman I want to run away and hide.

Please God, let me be spared - perhaps I will discover this is all a bad dream, and I will wake up to find I am a boy, after all, and be invited into the private world of my brothers. How I wish I could go to sea with Francis, or be a redcoat, as I know Henry wishes to be. Even becoming a clergyman like Jemmy would be better than sewing shirts for the rest of my life. Yet, in my heart, I confess that the brother I most envy is Edward. He is the most fortunate of all and I would only ever admit to envy in this diary of mine. To be adopted by our rich relations and taken across the world on a Grand Tour of all the places I’ve ever wished to see and study is a fate not even heroes in novels can dream about. I have often wished they might adopt me too, but the Knights do not need a daughter, an encumbrance to marry off to the highest bidder. No, they’ve only ever had eyes for Neddy, the most charming child that ever lived, grown to be the perfect gentleman and an heir to fulfil all their hopes.

We’ve not had any visitors today so Lucius and Thomas have taken up all our time - the former continues to stare at my sister, and the latter seems to have little reason to entertain us except a desire to please Great-Uncle Francis. But he’s a very kind and thoughtful cousin too. When Thomas suggested we go to the stables to see his new chestnut hunter, a present from G-U-F, my sister declined. I have a feeling she does not want to leave our mother’s side, and as Lucius hangs around Cassy at all times, I suppose my mother thinks they will do as well to get to know one another as she chaperones.

Nobody much cares what I do, and it’s clear our father trusts Thomas to look after me. We headed off for the stables as soon as we could, running across the flagstones of the formal terrace, and crunching along a gravel path on the far side of the house where only the gardeners and the stable boys go. There was nobody attending the horses when we got there, but Thomas just took charge and led me inside, the interior dark after the bright sunshine.