Page 56 of Searching for Mr Tilney

‘It was such an idyllic summer holiday that year, up until that day, anyway. Aunt Sylvia was always such a wonderfully warm person, quite in contrast to my uncle, and when she was around the castle was always filled with laughter. She was the only one who easily managed to divert my uncle’s moods. Except on that day, I’d heard them quarrelling after breakfast. I don’t even know what it was about; I just remember the raised voices, and my cousin crying because he hated it when they argued.’

‘Did they quarrel a lot?’

‘I suppose they did, though my aunt was always quick to smooth things over, but everyone knew my uncle’s bark was worse than his bite. He’s one of those people that blows up, and then forgets the quarrel just as quickly. After the argument, when they’d made up, they went for a walk.’

Harry’s eyes were filling with tears. I couldn’t leave him standing there so I hooked my arm through his, while he pulled out a handkerchief from his pocket to wipe his eyes and blow his nose. Randolph must have sensed his sadness too, and came bounding up to him, nudging his head against Harry’s hand.

‘I haven’t been this way since then,’ he said, stroking Randolph’s ears. ‘I thought, as you were with me, I’d be brave enough to do it, but it’s bringing back so many horrible memories.’

I squeezed his arm, but he just looked away and continued patting the dog, a muscle twitching in his cheek as he struggled with his emotions. I wished I could hold him close, but I could see he was trapped somewhere else, too far away from me.

‘Don’t talk about it any longer if it upsets you … perhaps we ought to think about carrying on, if you’d rather.’

‘No, I’d like to talk, even if it’s painful to recall. What was so awful was the numbness of everybody. I remember my uncle coming home eventually, alone and looking ashen, but showing no emotion, as if he’d never speak again.’

‘Poor man, I can’t imagine anything so dreadful.’

‘He was utterly distraught because Aunt Sylvia had suddenly slipped on the path, without any warning, and he’d been unable to save her. He was walking in front and had got quite a way ahead, so he didn’t realise what had happened until he heard her screams. All he kept saying was that he should have waited for her, and should have been holding her hand, over and over again. But, you can see for yourself, the path isn’t wide enough to walk side by side, even if he’d waited for her to catch up.’

That was perfectly true, now I thought about it. I didn’t say very much though I wanted to question Harry more about the whole incident. It just seemed very strange to hear of the constant bickering between his aunt and uncle and not imagine the very worst. Had it all been a wicked plot by his irascible uncle to be rid of his wife? I’d only met him for five minutes and it was clear he had mixed feelings about the women in his life. But, as soon as those thoughts popped into my head, I knew I must get rid of them. What could I be thinking?

‘I can understand now why your uncle didn’t want to see you,’ I said. ‘Being with you and Elsa must have reminded him of happier times, but also brought back the awful pain of the past.’

‘Yes, I think you’re right. And without my aunt, my cousin grew up without the love he should have had. My uncle became very depressed, he was drinking far too much, and as my cousin grew older he just copied his father’s ways. It’s such a terrible tragedy … their lives should have been so different.’

‘You said your cousin died at an early age.’

‘Yes, he was drinking, as I say, and when they recovered his body, it had been washed up further along the coast. No one’s ever said it, but I’ve always thought he probably ended it … perhaps he wanted to join his mother … but no one knows for sure. The verdict was accidental death brought on by excessive alcohol consumption, but I don’t know. I just wish I’d been here to help him.’

My eyes filled with tears. ‘Sometimes there’s nothing we can do, and in this case it was impossible for you to intervene. Your family tried to reach out to your uncle, you told me yourself. You did all you could.’

Harry turned on the path, and took my hand. ‘Caroline, you are the sweetest, kindest girl I’ve ever known, but I’m not sure I will ever forgive myself for not being here when he needed me.’

‘But, you shouldn’t dwell on what can’t be changed. I’m sure somewhere they’ve both found their peace, and that they know you love them. You must feel that too, in that state of consciousness where all things seem possible. I know my dad is with me sometimes; I just get this incredible feeling of love washing over me. I’m sure you had it just now when you were thinking of your aunt and your cousin.’

‘I did, and you’re right, I do get the sense of them sometimes, that their life force, whatever you want to call it, hasn’t gone forever.’

‘They certainly wouldn’t want you to be blaming yourself for anything that was absolutely nothing to do with you. It was the most terrible thing that could ever have happened, but you must put that aside and think only of the good times you shared. Let’s finish saying our goodbyes and you can tell me all about the wonderful times you spent together.’

The rest of the afternoon flew by. We finished our walk down to the pretty harbour where the boats were bobbing on the choppy water. Randolph lunged in and out of the sea, drenching us each time as he shook his huge frame, making us laugh. The sun was hot for the beginning of May, and I took my sweater off and tied it round my waist. We bought some cockles from a seafood stall, doused them in vinegar and ate them with toothpicks, savouring each morsel that tasted of the sea. I started to feel happiness flood my being once more. Though Harry chose not to hold my hand, he seemed so much happier, especially when telling me about his holidays in the past. We took a walk along the sands, taking our shoes off so we could feel the sand between our toes.

***

Harry, Elsa and I dined in the breakfast room again, as they both said the dining room was on the north side of the castle and always felt cold. The breakfast room had the best views out to sea, and with such lovely company I felt there wasn’t anywhere else in the world I’d rather be. I still felt Harry seemed particularly reserved, leaving most of the talking to Elsa as Mrs Davies brought us plates of sauté potatoes and fried cod that she said had been freshly caught that day. When she came to clear the plates, bringing a pudding of Apricot Cobbler with a jug of custard, she said there was a fire in the drawing room when we were ready to relax.

The room was on the same side of the castle with large bay windows displaying a panoramic sunset in pink and gold, which looked truly spectacular. Though the day had been sunny, the chill of the night air was descending as the sun dipped behind the indigo sea, and we were all glad of the fire. I sat in an armchair filled with flowered cushions, faded with time into pastels of pink and green.

Harry poured himself a whisky, while Elsa and I said we’d have a glass of crème de menthe. I could see and feel that he was withdrawing again, staring absently into the fire as he sat in the opposite chair.

‘We could play Monopoly,’ suggested Elsa from the sofa, ‘until I have to go upstairs to my uncle, though I should warn you, Caroline, that Harry always cheats.’

‘I only cheat when I have to,’ he answered light-heartedly, coming out of his quiet thoughts for a moment, ‘but I’ll be on my best behaviour, I swear.’

‘I made a promise to visit your uncle … I ought to go before it’s too late,’ I said, looking at Harry, hoping he’d come with me, but he was looking vaguely into the fire again, as if a hundred miles away. Randolph lay by his side, whimpering now and again, looking up at Harry, as if they shared secret thoughts.

‘I’ll come with you, if you like,’ said Elsa, putting down her glass. ‘I really ought to think about going up there, anyway. We can play a game tomorrow if it rains, as the forecast is suggesting.’

I felt very disappointed, and said goodnight to Harry before getting up to follow Elsa out of the room. He just managed to answer but I could tell there was something still bothering him, and the feeling I’d had before of something not being right came back even stronger.