Page 38 of Carte

It was way too much than I could take.

Before I could do anything monumentally stupid, like run at him, and kiss the living delights out of him I focused on the black liquid in my mug and counted to five.

One…

Two..

“Here, I made breakfast,” he came up close to my back. Too close. I held my breath so that I wouldn’t get hit with a dose of his scent, but it was useless. It was as if my body needed its fix, and no matter my screaming brain, my lungs demanded a deep inhale.

Cardamom, leather, patchouli with a hit of moss hit me.

I watched as he reached over and placed a plate full of scrambled eggs and bacon in front of me on the counter.

Suddenly I felt like crying. “Thanks.”

I picked up a plate, turned and started eating the food he prepared for me.

I couldn’t taste a thing thanks to the giant ball lodged in my throat.

How could life be so cruel? Up until now, I didn’t have anyone to take care of me. I was always on my own, always the one who had to make sure I had everything I needed.

And here he was. A man who was taking care of me, who met almost my every need even before I had a chance to voice them. All but one.

Fuck my life. And fuck him for constantly giving me glimpses of the man he was but denying me the thing I wanted the most.

Him.

“I have a difficult question for you,” Carter said before he took a bite.

“What?”

He chewed, swallowed, and took another bite. Chew that and swallowed before he looked at me and asked, “Can you think of anyone who we need to look at? Anyone from your past? An ex-boyfriend or a friend with a grudge?”

My stomach hollowed out and twisted at the same time.

“We looked at your father, but got a dead end. It’s not him. And we need to find this guy.”

My lips felt wooden and I had difficulty swallowing, still I pushed through the nausea, “You found my parents?”

Even after all those years, I was sure they were still together. My mom worshiped the ground he walked on, and would look away whenever he remembered I existed and rained his brand of love on me. She ignored the bruises, and tears. Played deaf to my pleas. But with one snap of his fingers, she came running to him, almost panting. It was honestly sickening.

At first, I thought she was conditioned to be that way. That he was doing the same thing to her that he did to me, and that was her coping mechanism. It was a horrible thing, and a source of my shame, but there were nights that I hoped that was true because it would mean she didn’t leave me at his mercy, but was trying in her own way to protect both her and me. Later, when I was older, I knew that wasn’t the case. She just… loved him.

Him and the life he was providing for her. Drugs, alcohol, and a good time whenever she wanted. And she wanted it constantly.

Carter nodded, eying me. “Do you want to know about them?”

Did I want to know?

A thousand memories washed over me. Countless nights of me crying myself to sleep, wishing for someone to save me from him. From them. Wishing for a normal life. For a mom and dad who loved me. A million bruises pinged their phantom pain all over my body as if to remind me of the pain he inflicted.

“No,” I shook my head, casting my eyes down. I couldn’t look at him. I didn’t want to see the disappointment in his eyes. “I don’t want to know.”

Maybe it made me a bad person, but I wanted to do nothing with them, I didn’t even want to know if they were okay. And honestly, in some dark parts of me, I hoped they weren’t.

I hoped they got what they deserved. I wasn't the kind of person who could forgive and forget.

I had a hard time doing both of that. Forgetting most of all.