Page 43 of ’Til You Break

I could almost laugh.

“Vik, I…” Hannah starts, but cuts herself off, hanging her head low. She hasn’t turned to me yet. She is fiddling with a can, but the opener never reaches its target. I can see that she is building up the nerve to tell me her secret, no doubt expecting my harshest retaliation.

“What is it, Hannah?” I step behind her, and slide an arm around her waist.

She leans against me, and gulps at the sensation of my wet skin against her back. She tilts her head back, bringing her face into view. I see the impact of what I did. Bloodshot eyes and swollen, puffy cheeks. Mascara tracks run down her face. But there is no sign of the tears that left her in this state.

“I saw something out there,” she says, and relays the scene.

She recounts the regrettable decision to spy on what she thought were lovers, seeing a man pass out in front of her, and then the monster who snatched her. Dragged her down the alleyway, as if pulling her through the gates of Hell.

“I’m sorry, Hannah.” Being the one who caused her harm, an apology is the best I can offer.

“You know, the whole cab ride home, all I could think about was this,” she says, taking one of my hands in hers as she turns around. “Seeing you, knowing you’d make it better.”

Hannah guides my hand over her shoulder, before both her arms snake around my waist in a hug. She rests her head against my heart and squeezes me, seeking the comfort she desires.

“You make me feel so safe,” she whispers against my chest.

I’d be lying if I said her words didn’t make me happy. I’ve grown rather fond of how we operate. Her dependence, reliance and need please the coldest parts of me. But standing here, I’m starting to notice the flaws in our dynamic. Other than the distractions she brings, I cannot offer the emotional warmth and support she needs. I’m not built for it.

Satisfied with her hug, Hannah kisses my chest.

“I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve you,” she whispers against my skin.

My hands travel to the bottom of her shirt. I suppose while I’m here for celebratory reasons, Hannah needs mind-numbing sex to dull what she saw. Who am I to deny her the pleasure?

I tug on her shirt, while her lips travel up my neck and against my jaw. She grabs the back of my head, and I can see her intentions before she realizes them herself.

“Kiss me,” she says. An order thick with lust.

I don’t. I can’t. I keep my head upright, no matter how hard she tugs at it. Even knowing how badly she needs comfort, I can’t bring myself to kiss her. Because I know that when I do, I’ll be handing myself over to her in full. Giving her everything, and leaving no place for anything else. It’s not a luxury I can afford myself yet.

Not until my unholy conquest is complete.

“Hann—”

She lets go of me and drives both palms against my chest. The impact isn’t enough to move me, but I take a few steps back regardless.

“Why won’t you kiss me?” She cuts me off, realizing I can’t do as she asks. “Am I only good enough for a quick fuck when it pleases you?”

I don’t know how to respond. I can’t admit that she has become an all-consuming void; that she is the first thought I have when I wake, and the last to usher me off to sleep.

If I let her any closer, I won’t be able to separate my two selves. And I’m not ready for her to see the other side.

“I’m a fucking idiot.” She shakes her head, and storms out of the kitchen.

It stings to let her go, but it’s best for both of us.

But it won’t be for long, and then, I’ll be able to make it up to her.

Chapter Fifteen

Hannah

Icried myself to sleep last night.

Overwhelmed by everything that happened, it was the only way I knew how to release the stress and begin processing what I’d been through.