Page 186 of Rebellious

“Nope. I plan to fuck her, leave, and sleep in my bed.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“You didn’t want Skye until I told you I did, so who exactly is the asshole between us? Get off your high Caldwell horse and look at the fucking man in the mirror, dickhead.”

Motherfucker had a lot of nerve. “Rise up from the shit you’re mired in and stop fucking over girls. You promised you were changing.”

“What I did to Molly, Harley, Rebel, and Mattie is completely different from wanting to hook-up with Skye, CJ. They’re not even remotely the same. Learn to pick your fucking battles. I will regret my actions with them for the rest of my fucking life. I don’t know how to make it up to them, but I sure the fuck won’t spend my days locked in a box for something I can’t change, despite how sorry I am. Life doesn’t work like that. This life doesn’t work like that.”

“Club life has nothing to do with you wanting to fuck Skye.”

“No,” Ryan agreed. “I want to fuck her for the same reason you do. She’s a hot girl and I want to be with her.”

“You just see her as a notch on your belt.”

“At least I’m honest about it. No, I’m honest about sex in general. I don’t need feelings involved. You’re acting like it’s the end of the fucking world.”

“It isn’t only because of her,” CJ gritted, because Ryan, forever an unfeeling asshole, didn’t get it.

“It’s because of Harley, too.”

He still didn’t get it. “And you, fuckhead.”

“Please, motherfucker. It’s because of you. You’re above such pettiness. You aren’t me. You’re disappointed in yourself. Aunt Meggie expects better from you. Insert any holier-than-thou statement that pleases you. When I wouldn’t care if you had fucked her. I’d congratulate you and ask how good she was. It’s nothing but sex, CJ. I’m not competing with you for her. You want her? You can have her. But I will fuck her. She isn’t Molly. Or Harley. I will never let another girl get close to me like that.”

“You were an asshole to both of them.”

“I could’ve treated Molly better. I wish I had. But I’ve done a little soul-searching, too.”

“You’re a month from seventeen. What type of soul-searching do you need to do?”

The cherry made an arc as Ryan flicked the cigarette away. “Forever a blind mouse. I traumatized four girls and almost got Molly killed. Watching Diesel interrogate a motherfucker and throw him into the fucking crematorium before telling me if I ever hurt Rebel that would be me is an experience I never want to repeat.”

Period. The end. Exclamation point. There was nothing to add to that since words wouldn’t ever compare. CJ hadn’t lived through Diesel’s form of torture and just thinking of it sent chills down his spine.

“I could’ve been seven and I would’ve searched my soul, your soul, and the soul of a motherfucker on a street to never face Diesel’s wrath. I had to see the suspicion and the pain in my mom’s eyes, while she wondered if I had anything to do with what was going on. With her history. My dad still barely talks to me, so what the fuck do you mean what type of soul searching should I do?”

“You’re more afraid of Diesel than my dad?”

“Yeah, CJ. I’ll take a bullet to the head any day over Diesel’s crazy. If he were the enforcer, I’d actually pity our enemies. He’s a straight-up sadist. But you know this already. At this point, you’re talking about him just to talk. It hasn’t sunk in yet, despite the thousand times it’s been said?”

CJ thought of Rebel, and how she felt. Or had felt. For a while, she’d hated Diesel. Dude was over-the-top when he felt wronged. No, all the time. His intensity was just too much for Rebel, no matter how CJ might’ve felt a few weeks ago. Hopefully, Diesel married Jana, and Rebel and Kaia worked out.

“You talk about my soul searching? What about your existential crisis? You’re caught between wanting to be like your dad and wanting to be that kid that clung to Aunt Meggie. What about just being you, CJ? You won’t please everyone. You can’t please everyone. I like you. That should be enough. You don’t have to martyr yourself on my behalf, you dumb asshole.”

Since CJ couldn’t see Ryan, Ryan couldn’t see his flare of surprise.

“Yeah, cuck. Easton called Uncle Christopher. Dude wants you and me to battle it out for quarterback.”

“I beg your fucking pardon?” How the fuck had Ryan discovered so much information while CJ escaped for time to himself? “Who told you that?”

“Easton, fuckhead. Grant isn’t the only one looking for you. Your dad called in the cavalry.”

“Fuck,” CJ huffed.

“Yeah, the golden boy is missing.”

Ryan’s amused tone pulled a smile from CJ.