Page 60 of Blue Moon

Chapter 26

Sol

Ipaced around Sawyer’s place. He’d never once gone out all night and not returned my calls. I must’ve spooked him by telling him I loved him.

I waited up for him and tried to distract myself with shows on Netflix. I had to talk to him tonight. I couldn’t sleep anyway.

He finally waltzed in the door at two-thirty in the morning, liquor on his breath. I was at least relieved that he’d taken an Uber home and hadn’t driven drunk.

I wasn’t going to nag. He didn’t need accusations. And I was certain he hadn’t cheated on me. He wouldn’t stoop that low.

I greeted him with a kiss. “Hey, you okay? Do you want to talk?”

“Don’t start with me, Sol.”

Well, then. I wasn’t going to let him talk to me like that. “What does that mean? Why are you acting like this? Because I told you I love you? I do love you, even though you’re being a major dick right now.”

“Why do you love me?”

“Why? So many reasons. I love the way you make me feel. How you see through me. How I can relax and be myself around you. I can’t do that with anyone else in my life. I love the sweet and kind way you interact with your fans. I love the way you command an airplane. I love the way you protect me. I love the way you kiss me.”

He turned away. “Well, this has gone on too long. I was clear with you from day one. I don’t want to lead you on. I like you a lot, but I don’t love you, Sol. This isn’t real to me. You were a challenge. We had our fun, but I have orders to Japan next year. Unaccompanied. I think we should just end it now before I hurt you further.”

I blinked back the tears that were forming. He didn’t mean those awful words coming out of his mouth. I knew he loved me. He was just afraid. He’d never been in love.

“That hurts, but no, I won’t let you get rid of me. You’re trying to hurt me to protect yourself. I’ve seen the real you, Sawyer. You aren’t an asshole. And I know you love me by your actions.”

His brow furrowed. “Didn’t Veronica teach you anything? I am that guy. I just wanted to fuck you, Sol. To be your first. To pop your cherry—I’d never been with a virgin. It was a challenge, and it was great. But I don’t care about you. I don’t care about anyone but myself. I’m a selfish prick.”

Oh, how I hated his words, but he was lashing out. “Why are you pushing me away? Why are you lying to me? You love me, Sawyer. Admit it.”

“I don’t! I told you from day one this would never ever work. I’m in the military. I’m a Marine, a Blue Angel, a fighter pilot. I don’t want a wife, I never did.”

“I’m not asking to marry you tomorrow. But everything was going so great, so I told you I loved you and you just flipped. That’s not a coincidence. I should’ve waited. I knew that you couldn’t handle it. So much for all your, ‘I’m so real’ bullshit. I’m the one who’s being real now, and you can’t handle it.”

He scoffed. “Whatever, Sol. You’re using me, too.”

“Really, how so? Enlighten me.”

“I’m your hot Instagram pilot boyfriend. You love to take pictures of me and parade me around, but you don’t want to know the real me. What happened to me.”

My voice dropped. “What are you talking about?”

His fists clenched and his face reddened.

“How my mom left me, how her boyfriends, how they . . . ” His voice trailed off.

His silence was deafening.

I walked over to him. “What, Sawyer? What did they do to you?”

“They beat me. They left me outside to rot while they were inside fucking my mom. They touched me, dammit. And I was so lonely, I craved their attention. Is that what you want to hear? I hate myself. I don’t know how to be a good man. I will cheat on you. I will. I fuck to numb the pain. It’s only a matter of time. I’m not who you think I am. I told you I’m a bad man, but you wouldn’t listen, just like you aren’t listening right now.”

My heart shattered into a million pieces. This broken boy didn’t believe he was worthy of love.

“You’re everything I think you are and more. You’re kind and smart and loving. I see you with the kids who come to the show. I’m so sorry all those awful things happened to you Sawyer, but you beat the odds and succeeded. You’re the strongest man I’ve ever met. You deserve love, Sawyer. And I love you dammit.”

“No. I don’t want you to love me. You need to go.”