Page 17 of Guarding Salvation

“He loved you so much, Bram. They both did and they missed you all the time.”

He rested his elbows on the desk, his thoughts a whirl of emotion as memories assailed him. “I know I should’ve come home more but after what happened I was so angry, and I knew I’d disappointed him.”

Lana moved closer, resting on the edge of the desk, her eyes on his face full of sympathy and love.

“How can you forgive me for what I did?”

Lana frowned. “Forgive you? What the heck are you talking about?”

“If I had just let you stay in the same pub as me, you would never have... he...” Bram couldn’t get the words out, they stuck in his throat like a shard of broken glass.

“Ray Walsh raped me, Bram, and nobody was to blame except him. Certainly not you and after years of counselling, I know not me, either. It took me a long time to come to terms with what happened and to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not see someone who was dirty and spoiled but I got there.”

She reached out and touched his shoulder and he shuddered, his grief and pain almost overwhelming as he listened to his sister tell of how she’d conquered her demons. He was a trained soldier, a killer, and yet it was his sister who was the strong one, the true hero. Getting shot at didn’t make him a hero. Overcoming adversity and pain, learning to heal and move on, to live the life you want despite what you’ve gone through, that was a true hero to him.

“I’m just so angry Dad wouldn’t let you report it.”

Lana shook her head. “What? Dad wanted me to report it. He called the police and everything, but I refused to talk to them. We both know his family are loaded and even at eighteen, I knew they’d tear me apart on the stand trying to prove his innocence. I just couldn’t bear to go through that. I wanted to forget, to crawl into a hole and forget his name.”

Lana sucked in a huge breath. “When I heard he was dead, I felt so guilty. I worried your life would be over and that it was my fault. Dad said he’d fix it and the next thing I knew, you’d joined the army. He was so proud of you. He kept every letter you wrote, had pictures of you in your uniform by his bed.”

Bram pressed his lips together, a slight grimace creasing his features as a sigh escaped him. His belly knotted and he felt a dull ache in his chest which he tried to rub away with his hand. “All this time I blamed him. Thought he was the one that stopped you going to the police, that I had shamed the family name.”

“No, never. He was so proud of you and the man you became.” Lana chuckled low. “It was pretty annoying actually.”

Bram smiled but it was lame at best, his thoughts too jumbled for anything real. “I think this will take some time to process.”

“I know, but remember your family loves you. We all did, even mum who was away with the fairies on pain meds most of the time.”

Their mother had suffered a broken hip after a riding accident when he was six and had never fully recovered, relying on strong pain killers for her to function. They had become an addiction that his father had allowed because he loved her and hated her to see her cry.

Bram wondered now if the man he’d seen as his father was who he really was or if he’d projected his own self-worth onto a man who loved him for who he was.

Lana stepped away and returned a minute later with an envelope, passing it to him. He saw his name in his father’s handwriting. “What’s this?”

“Dad said to give it to you when he died. I meant to send it and forgot. Baby brain.”

Bram turned it over in his hands but knew he couldn’t read it, not yet, not when his emotions were so fragile. “Thanks.” He tucked the letter in his jacket pocket. “Now, let’s get this done. I want to come with you to collect the kids from school.”

They got the rest of the paperwork squared away and he spent a lovely week with his sister and her family. They walked, talked about their childhood, remembered the good times, and she and Rory brought him up to speed on everything to do with the estate. He’d assured them they didn’t need to run anything past him and that as far as he was concerned, the estate was theirs to run. If he had his way, he’d pass the title to Lana but if he refused it, it would move to his male cousin who was a dickhead. So, he kept the title and always stayed out of the public eye.

He still received a yearly dividend which he put straight into savings for his nieces and nephews. He didn’t need the money and it was their parents who worked their asses off every day for it and he was, after all, non-existent to the outside world. He was a shadow.

Lying in bed on his last night in his sister’s home he knew the trip had been good for him. He’d laid some ghosts to rest, uncovered some truths which should’ve been done earlier but were now out in the open.

Maybe now he could let his past go like Lana had done and make a life for himself that didn’t involve just killing. He loved his job, and what he did, that dark side of him needing an outlet, and being allowed to right wrongs that normal channels couldn’t gave him peace. He just wanted more, someone to share it with. Seeing Rory and Lana together he knew he wanted that. The way they could communicate without words, the closeness, as if it was them against the world.

He hadn’t heard from Bás all week and hadn’t expected to. He’d needed a break and it had done him good. The policy was when you left Shadow for vacation time, because of the intensity of the work, they wouldn’t call you in unless it was imperative to the safety of the team. He’d enjoyed his time away, but he was eager to get back to work now.

His thoughts turned to the mysterious Irish girl with the incredible body who’d rocked his world. She’d been on his mind all week and now he couldn’t wait to get back to see her.

Chapter 7

Aoife fluffed her hair one more time, wondering why she was bothering when she hadn’t seen hide nor hair of Bram all week. She’d told him it was a one-time thing because she knew she couldn’t offer more and would be gone soon, plus she needed to concentrate on staying alive. Yet deep down where only a tiny part of her still believed in good, she’d wished for more, that he might be the one to sweep her off her feet and free her from her life. It was a stupid childish thought and one she couldn’t afford. The only person she could rely on was herself. Moving forward, she’d even decided to cut Peyton from her life. It would only lead to pain for her friend, and she didn’t deserve that.

As she walked the now familiar path toward the pub, she laughed humourlessly at herself. She’d been silly to get her hopes up even for a second. It was a luxury she couldn’t afford and got her nowhere in life except disappointed. To expect Bram to be some kind of knight in shining armour was ridiculous. He was a good guy and, in another life, maybe they would’ve had something, but her life wasn’t a fairy tale.

The air was cool, a light fog hanging over the small valley at the base of the mountains where the town was situated. Sometimes the fog didn’t burn off at all and lingered all day and into the night, giving the land a mysterious quality that reminded her of home. Dublin was a beautiful city, but it was the time she’d spent with her mam and grandma in Avoca, near County Wicklow that had been the best times of her life. Perhaps that was why she felt such an affinity for this place, it reminded her of happier times.