Page 24 of Say it Ain’t So

As a child, I used to curl up on it and cover myself with a blanket. I could hide there for days, and no one would have known. Make myself a little meal of stale bread or crackers, a glass of tepid water from the sink, and if I was lucky, one of the mints Ma sometimes snagged from the jar at the diner and forgot on the kitchen counter.

The blankets were packed away for the summer, and I was far too large to curl up on that piece of junk anymore, especially with the pile of laundry and papers on the other cushion.

“Rylan.” After all the years of not living here, being out on my own, being an adult and making my own choices… Ray’s voice still made me feel like a helpless child.

“I met the girl of my dreams, Pops.” I almost dragged my attention to him, but instead I searched the spotted carpet for a hint of Joss’s eyes. “She was perfect. Everything about her, from her smile to her laugh to the tears in her eyes when we first met. We did everything together. Dinner. Shopping. Even took her gambling and ziplining, and I fucking fell in love with her and asked her to marry me, and she did. She actually did. She was the most beautiful bride in the world, and she was all mine. But I woke up the next morning and she was just… gone.”

For once, Ray was silent. It took forever to gain the courage to look up at my Pops, because I didn’t want to see my disappointment reflected in his eyes.

What I found wasn’t quite disappointment, but he certainly wasn’t jumping for joy. His silence made me itchy. Made me feel like I had to speak.

“I never thought I’d fall in love. Never planned on getting married. But when I saw her? Crying tears that her abusive ex-boyfriend put in her eyes?” I shook my head and averted my gaze. There was no way I could continue.

With my eyelids squeezed shut, I clutched at the ache in my chest I couldn’t get rid of.

Maybe I should go to the doctor, get this pain checked out.

Was I too young for a heart attack?

Ray shifted in his chair, the ancient recliner giving out a groan. “Look, kid.” My shoulders climbed toward my ears. “I know your mother fucked you up with the way that she handled raising you as a kid. And I’m sorry about that. That I didn’t know. That I didn’t step in sooner than I did.”

“Pops—”

He held up his hand, stopping me. “Sometimes, marriage is the one thing that can save someone. That’s what I had to do with Susie. Otherwise, who knows what would have happened.”

My achy chest caved in. This wasn’t the first time Ray confessed to me that he hadn’t married Ma for love, but instead to keep her from going back to her good for nothing, on-again off-again, abusive asshole of a boyfriend.

“Sometimes, that’s what you have to do,” he said, just as he had the first time. “Sometimes, you have to put your own wants and desires on hold so that you can make the world a better place. I did that with your mom. I hope I did that with you.”

Had the world gotten better since Ray married Ma? The answer to that was a resounding yes.

I could still remember the day Ma sent him to check on me when the attendance secretary called to say I hadn’t shown up for school. If I closed my eyes, I could still see the horror on his face when he found me at the kitchen table, feverish and hungry and unable to hear, tears slicking my face and blood dripping from one ear.

He’d bundled me up and rushed me to the hospital, where they treated me for a double ear infection, a ruptured eardrum, and dehydration. He’d convinced Ma to leave work long enough to come to the hospital so I could be discharged into her care, then took me home while Ma raced back to work so she wouldn’t lose her job.

When he tried to get me to eat something when he got me home, he became privy to my biggest secret: there was no food.

The stale bread had gone moldy, and though I didn’t like the taste, I’d finished it off two days before. I’d already climbed the step stool to get at the expired can of beans that sat on the top shelf in the cupboard, and had long since finished the bottle of ketchup, which had been the only thing in the fridge for the past few weeks.

Everything had changed after that.

Ma was so thankful, so Ray came around more often, and soon he and Ma got together again. Within a year, I was walking down the aisle at the church, carrying the simple gold bands that both Ray and my mom still wore to this day.

“This woman,” he said, capturing my attention and making me look that way. Her name was on my tongue, but I couldn’t bring myself to share. Speaking it only made it hurt more. “She was being abused?”

Nodding, I told him, “She had bruises on her throat and a huge one on her thigh. And she was jumpy with loud noises, like Ma always was.”

“And you married her because of that?”

“I married her because I love—” I bit my tongue. My mind spun, because… isn’t that what drew me in? Her tears. The bruises. Before I learned how funny she was or found out how her being up for anything was the perfect match for my love of adventure.

She was my greatest adventure.

My greatest temptation.

My lucky charm.

“And she left you?”