Page 87 of Say it Ain’t So

“Just back to the hotel.” She met me near the door, dipping down to press a kiss to my cheek. “We’ll catch up soon, okay sweetie? I’ll get a massage and, oh! Maybe a pedicure. I’ve always wanted one of those. I’ll talk to you tonight, okay?”

“Susie.” Pops made no move to get off my couch and there was no missing his disappointment. It made me want to get down on my knees and apologize even though the look wasn’t directed at me.

Ma waved him off, completely unaffected by the frown that I’d tried my whole life not to put on his face. “It’s fine, it’s fine. You just stay here then. I’ll take a cab back to the hotel and you can come join me when you’re ready.”

She was out the door without another word, her fingers waving briefly in the air before the door slammed shut.

“Fuck.” I stared at the wooden door, my eyes feeling hot and my limbs so heavy I didn’t think I could move. As it turns out, I didn’t have to. Pops came to my side, turning my chair and pushing me back into the living room. He parked me next to his seat on the couch.

“Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?” Gentle, but firm. That was my Pops.

“I don’t know what you expect me to say,” I started, still reeling from Ma’s sudden and not fully unexpected departure.

Pops didn’t speak, and the silence made me itchy. Made me wish I could stand up and walk out the door the way Ma just had. The way Joss had moments before.

Made me want to follow after Joss.

“I can’t do it,” I muttered, more to myself than to Pops.

Didn’t stop him from asking, “Do what?”

I shook my head, because the answer would gut me. It killed me, too, because Pops was staring at me with his patience settled over him like a blanket. My eyes burned again and the ache in my throat turned to pain.

“I can’t lose her.” It came out just a whisper as I pressed my palms to my face.

“Now, why would you think you’d lose her?”

For a moment, I was too overwhelmed by my fears to gather my thoughts. When I finally did, I dragged my hands down my face and let them fall to my lap.

“Because I’m an insufferable ass.”

Pops let out a quiet chuckle but didn’t respond, which only made me try to fill the silence.

“She does everything for me, Pops. She is everything. And I’m grouchy and angry and frustrated as hell. I was supposed to take on a new client, a fucking lucrative one, and since I can’t work because I can’t even walk, they gave the client to Kolton. I mean, I like the guy, but he’s a total noob! He’s never had a client of his own, just passed his tests, and now he’s got one of our biggest, all because of my goddamn leg. Meanwhile, I’m stuck at home, unable to take a piss without relying on Joss to help me, and I hate it. I hate it and…”

I slammed my eyelids shut and sucked in a deep breath.

“And what?” Pops asked when I didn’t go on.

Turning my head, I muttered, “And I keep taking it out on her.”

“That why she ran off looking like she was going to cry?”

My chest squeezed and I opened my eyes. “You saw that?”

He lifted one eyebrow.

“She left me, Pops. Just like she did on our wedding night. Just like Ma—” I slammed my jaw shut, because that was one thought I’d never shared with anyone, and it just came tumbling out.

Ma always left me, just like she had a few minutes ago. I wasn’t enough for her. Not enough for her to come see me without someone forcing her to, and certainly not enough to keep her around once she got here. It was on me to care for myself, because no one else ever did.

“You know, sometimes marriage⁠—”

“I know, Pops. You told me before.”

“Did I, now?” He scrubbed his hand over his jaw, then shifted his leg, making his prosthetic thunk against the floor. He leaned back in his seat, quiet again, and it ate at me.

“What?” I asked, lashing out at the only one I had left.