Page 91 of Say it Ain’t So

“Van!”

“Okay, fine. No rom coms. Rom coms suck. How about a horror flick? And not one of those stupid franchises where the same bad guy chases the same teen girl until she’s eighty years old.”

“Oh my gosh, Van!”

“What, you like that shit? I never pegged you as a slasher chick. Then again, I never saw you as a metal head either, but there you are.”

Laughter shook my shoulders until tears welled in my eyes. At least these tears weren’t because I was sad.

“You’re a good friend.”

“Hey! Don’t say that too loud, I don’t need that shit getting out.”

“I’m going to tell everyone,” I said with a laugh.

“You wouldn’t!”

More laughter shook me, and twin tears fell from my eyes. Van quieted on the other end of the line, and I hated that I didn’t know what to say. I was so tempted to tell him the truth about me and Rylan, but I knew I couldn’t. I still hadn’t talked to Rylan about it. Each time I thought to bring it up, he was in such a bad mood. I didn’t want him to get mad at me. I didn’t want him to leave. So I hid the truth and suffered in silence with no one to talk to.

Something needed to change. I knew that. I couldn’t stay in a relationship with both Rylan and his grief. While he was sweet and kind and would never, ever hit me, the anger he directed toward me felt like its own kind of emotional abuse.

“We should go out,” Van said finally. “Get some dinner and catch up. It’s been a while. And, you know, I could…”

“Could what?” I asked when he didn’t continue.

“I could really use a friend too.” The tone he used hurt my heart, but he sped on before I could say a word. “What with this whole FBI investigation and all that, and the death of my grandma… I still need to thank you properly for the plant you sent to the funeral. You would not believe the headache it caused.”

“Oh no! I’m so sorry!”

“Don’t be.” He let out what could only be considered a maniacal laugh. “You should have seen Patty’s face. Seriously, I wish you’d been there.”

At that, he paused, and I wasn’t quite sure how to respond. I could have used a break, some time away from Rylan, but I couldn’t bring myself to stay away. What if he needed me? What if he fell again? What if he hurt himself because I wasn’t there to help?

“Soon,” I told him after too long a wait. “I’ll let you take me out for a bucket of ice cream, and we can drown our sorrows together.”

“Sorrows, huh? This about your husband?”

I sucked in a sharp breath, then let it out a little too loudly. “We’re still trying to figure things out.”

“Need me to talk to him? Knock some sense into him? Because I will. He won’t know what hit him.”

“Van!”

“No? Okay. Well, offer’s on the table whether you need it or not. Just let me know.”

“Yeah, I will.”

“Take care of yourself, Joss. You keep taking care of everyone else, but you deserve that care too.” His words were a vice wrapping around my throat. “See you at work?”

I nodded, then remembered he couldn’t see. “Okay. Bye, Van.”

When the phone went dead, I dropped it to my lap and buried my face in my hands. My fish couldn’t bring me the peace I needed, not if I couldn’t see them through my tears. I wanted to sleep, to curl up and stay in bed and not have to face the responsibilities that rested on my shoulders. I hated that I couldn’t. That I had to hold it together as if nothing bothered me. I was all alone, and the only person I could talk to about Rylan wasn’t answering her phone.

The last I’d heard from Cheyenne, she was hiding out. Whether it was from Peter or the police, I wasn’t sure. There’d been times in the past where she’d disappeared, and the radio silence always bothered me. But then she’d pop back into my life as if nothing happened, and I couldn’t bring myself to ask what was going on.

I feared it was Peter’s harassment keeping her away. I worried more that contact between the two of us would lead my ex to me. As much as I missed my friend, neither of us would benefit if that bastard found one or both of us.

Even though it wasn’t past noon, the weight on my shoulders attached itself to my eyelids and dragged them down. I fell to the side, watching my fish when I wasn’t staring off into space. Gary curled into his shell and dropped from the top of the tank to the floor, and one of my tetras darted around the plants like he was playing hide and seek. I was about to doze off when something tapped at my windowpane.