Page 31 of The Doctor

I’d never be good enough.

Climbing to my feet, I limped back into my room, locking the door behind me before I tumbled toward my bed. Pulling the baggie full of pills Jayden had shoved inside of me out, I looked it over through tear-filled eyes. Then I snatched the little rain cloud pillow from its spot near my headboard and curled around it before I let myself cry.

I’d never be perfect.

I’d never be right.

But here, curled around my cloud, I could at least live in my dream.

Somewhere out there, there was a man who didn’t treat me like I was nothing. He didn’t treat me like everyone else did.

I was in love with him, I always had been, and I always would be.

I just needed to prove it to him.

To show him that he loved me too.

And I’d do it, even if it was the last thing I ever did.

11

Zeno

Even though remnants of cigar smoke tickled my lungs as I sucked in a deep breath, the air in Paulo’s office tasted like freedom. I was beginning to believe Clara would never let me out of her sight. It seemed the only hours I got away from her were those few when I closed my eyes for sleep.

And yet, I felt like I was sleeping with one eye open, waiting for her to pull another stunt. Like climbing into my bed and letting me wrap myself around her again.

There was no doubt in my mind, my subconscious wasn’t strong enough to make wise decisions when it came to this girl.

This morning, she’d shown up at my front door as I was about to leave, then acted like it was a personal affront that I wouldn’t allow her to come with me to Paulo’s estate. For the first time since our initial attempt at driving, she suddenly wanted to try again.

“Please, Zeno,” she’d begged, some sort of devastation in her eyes. “Please, let me come. I promise I’ll be good.”

She promised.

Just like she promised she wouldn’t get in my hair if I let her hang out at my house “for a little while” each day.

That promise meant absolutely nothing as far as I was concerned. Because I couldn’t function with her around. I couldn’t focus on my patients, on my music, on my fucking books, with her in my house.

I couldn’t focus without her there, either.

“You look like you could use a nap.”

Peering up through heavy eyelids, I found Paulo watching me from the door across his sitting room. His presence woke me up more than the bright afternoon sunlight streaming through the open windows had. Even the birds chirping in the trees around the patio and the sounds of the staff cleaning and cooking in the other rooms hadn’t been enough to keep me from my half-sleep.

“I think you’re right.” My muscles were stiff as I pushed myself upright.

He eyed me like he used to when I was just a kid. “Not sleeping well?”

There was no holding back the huff of breath that burst from my lungs.

Clara Vinci wouldn’t allow that.

I hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since our movie night.

“No. Not really.”

Paulo crossed the room to the chair beside the sofa where I sat. “I don’t suppose you’ll tell me what troubles you.”