Page 24 of Trying Not to Need You

His expression doesn’t falter. If anything, it softens, as if he expected those exact words to fall from my lips. Like he’s been preparing for this moment, too.

“I know,” he says quietly. “And I’m not asking you to just flip a switch and trust me.”

His green eyes soften as does his tone, letting me know there’s no pressure, no demand, and that makes my chest ache even more, because this is Macklin, and that childhood crush of mine means there will always be a special place for him in my heart. Not to mention how he and the guys stepped up for my sister when Copeland enlisted.

“I just want the chance to show you,” he continues. “To be here. To be consistent. To give you everything. To show you what we can be together.”

My eyes sting, and I blink rapidly, hating how exposed I feel right now. Hating how much I want to believe him, and hate even more that I can’t.

“That’s a lot to offer someone who might not be able to give it back yet,” I whisper.

He finally reaches for me then, slow and deliberate, like he’s asking permission even in the movement. His fingers brush mine, warm and grounding, and when I don’t pull away, he laces them together.

“I’m not afraid of that,” he says, his tone gentle. “I’ve waited this long. I can take it one step at a time. With you. Maybe you’ll never change your mind. Maybe you’ll tell me I’m not the man for you. If that’s what you decide, I’ll have to live with that, but Baylor, I have to try. I’ve wanted you for so long, and so many times, I’ve pushed those feelings down, buried them deep, yet they’re still there.”

My chest tightens, fragile hope trying to bloom beneath the pain and the scars from my past relationship. It’s risky, too risky, and before Todd, I would have jumped in, not caring where I landed, but time changes you, betrayal changes you. At least both did for me.

My head tells me to run. To haul my ass off this couch and out the front door. My head tells me that men can’t be trusted, no matter how long you’ve known them or how much sincerity is glowing in their green eyes. But then there’s my heart, that small piece that will always be his—a childhood crush, the unobtainable. Except, he’s not anymore.

It’s all too complicated, too risky, and I know at the end of the day, I have to protect myself from the pain.

Sitting here, in his home, with the faint scent of my favorite dinner he made for me still lingering in the air and his hand wrapped around mine as if it belongs there, is messing with me. I don’t feel pressured to give in to this idea of us, but I do feel seen. It’s been so damn long since I’ve felt that.

That feeling? It’s more dangerous than anything else.

“I don’t know. I’m scared,” I admit, my voice barely above a breath. My confession is vulnerable, but if I can give him anything, it’s my truth. He deserves that much.

His thumb brushes over my knuckles, steady and sure. “I know,” he replies softly. His touch isn’t unwelcome, but this is all just too soon, too much.

I look up at him then, really look at him, at the boy I used to know and the man in front of me now. The one who laid his cards out on the table. He isn’t demanding anything, and he’s telling me he’s not going to disappear. That he’ll give me the time I need, and isn’t that what I want? Action, because words are pretty and flowery, but if the person who says them doesn’t mean them, doesn’t live out what he claims to want, what’s the point? Will he really be there, but not pressure me?

My heart is still racing, still bruised, but also… curious. “Let’s say, we try. What happens if I can’t be what you’ve built up in your head all these years?” I ask. Because even outside of my pain and distrust, there’s that thought of what if I’m not enough for him.

A small smile tugs at his lips, soft and certain. “Then I’ll get to know who you are now,” he says. “And I’ll want her instead.”

His answer breaks something open inside me. I can’t count the number of times I wanted Todd to choose me, and now, here’s this man, one I’ve known since I was a kid, telling me I’m all he wants. I want to trust him, but it’s too soon. I need time.

I exhale slowly, my grip tightening around his hand. He gives me a soft smile, and I want to tell him that I’ll try, that we can see where we end up together, but I’m still too raw, and if I’m being honest, I’m still trying to wrap my head around his confession. I didn’t know. My sisters didn’t know, because I’m confident they would have told me. Can I really trust his words? I guess only time will tell.

“This is a lot, Macklin.”

“I know. I’m sorry to dump my heart out at your feet, but if you can try to look at it from my perspective, I’ve kept quiet too many times. Years have gone by, and still the only one I think about is you.”

“You’ve never even kissed me, or tried to kiss me,” I blurt.

He leans a little closer. “Do you want me to kiss you?”

“I mean, how do you know you want to? I could be bad at it. Messy. It could feel like kissing your sister.”

He laughs, his shoulders shaking. “I can guarantee you you’re not bad at it, and so what if it’s messy? Life is messy. Besides, if you need proof, I can show you.”

“You want to kiss me?” I ask, both loving and hating the idea. My mind and emotions are all over the place.

“Bay, baby, I’ll never pass up the opportunity to have your lips pressed to mine, but if you don’t want that, then I’ll wait.” He stands, letting go of my hand, and it takes me a minute, but eventually, I notice that he’s hard beneath the zipper of his jeans.

“Mac—” I breathe his name because what else do you say to your childhood crush who’s hard for you? Again, this man has made me speechless.

“Don’t worry, I don’t plan to act on it. Not without your permission. But my body’s reaction is not something I can control where you’re concerned. You’re here in my home, on my couch, your hand in mine.” He reaches for my hand that he let go of to stand. “It’s everything I ever wanted. The only thing that might make it better is if my arms were wrapped around you.”