Page 184 of Bleed with Me

The outside world ceased to exist. My body wrapped around his, holding him close, feeling the heat radiating from him, hearing his deep breaths and the beats of his heart. My skin burned with every touch of his fingers against my exposed flesh.

There was almost unbearable tenderness behind every contact. The familiar hunger was still there, but it no longer guided us. I traced every line of his face as though I wanted to memorize the man hidden behind the mask he built to survive. He closed his eyes, and a shaky breath slipped free.

My fingertips tangled in his hair, and the distance between us disappeared, replaced by quiet touches that spoke louder than any declaration. There was no rush to reach the end, no desperate need to prove anything. For the first time since we’d met, it felt like we weren’t chasing desire. We were searching for peace.

When he entered me, something inside me snapped into place. I felt as if we were one, body, mind, and soul. There wasn’t Nina and Dorian. There was only us.

Dorian’s forehead rested against mine, our breathing falling into the same rhythm. He opened his hooded eyes, looking at me with an almost heartbreaking intensity. I smiled, and his shoulders relaxed just a little more as his embrace tightened around me. I pressed my lips against his temple, his cheek, the corner of his mouth, hoping every silent kiss would reach the places words never could.

You’re not alone.

You don’t have to carry it anymore.

He would never believe those words if I spoke them aloud. But perhaps he could feel them. And somewhere between his trembling breath against my skin and the way he held me as if I might disappear, I understood something that broke me all over again.

He wasn’t making love to me because he needed my body. He was clinging to the certainty that I was alive. Whatever happened in his past, whatever tragedy shattered him, he needed to feel me, to know that he hadn’t lost me. That I was still there.

So when our breathing grew heavy, and my world exploded in euphoria, I clung to him more. I kissed him harder. Because if this was the first time he allowed someone to see the broken pieces that barely held together, I needed him to feel my love.

-73-

Dorian

The room was wrapped in silence. Nina rested on my chest, her body pressed against mine as I absentmindedly combed my fingers through her hair. Our breathing finally evened out, and my heartbeat slowed. The postorgasmic bliss slowly evaporated, and my mind returned to its usual control-freak mode. But nothing felt the same anymore.

For years, I’d convinced myself I’d buried that part of my life so deep it could never reach the surface again. I was wrong. All it took was one video, and a decade of carefully constructed control collapsed as if it had never existed.

The argument we started set it in motion, and the events that followed only escalated my actions. I couldn’t just brush it off and continue acting as if nothing happened. I knew that. Nina deserved better, but I was terrified. For the first time in my life, I dreaded admitting what I’d done because it could be the end of us. What sane woman would be with a man who was responsible for his child’s death?

None, the demon reared his head from my exhausted subconsciousness. So keep your mouth shut and go to sleep, idiot.

My lips pressed into a thin line. The fight in me was endless, but then my mom’s words echoed in my mind. I was fourteen years old and fell in love for the first time. However, the girl I liked was from a Christian family, and I contemplated lying to her about my name so she wouldn’t leave me. When I told my mother about it, she took me into her precious dungeon with silver-engraved knives, chains, and the aquarium with piranhas, and said in her kindest voice:

“Never lie to the people you love about who you really are. Because one day, they find out the truth, and their leaving will hurt much more knowing you could have been honest and prevented it from happening.”

I listened to her advice, and the girl didn’t want to have anything to do with me. Still, when I told Nina the truth about killing her grandfather, she didn’t run away. Just the opposite. She stayed, and we made love. If that wasn’t proof she wasn’t about to leave me, I didn’t know what was. But tell that to my brain, right?

Go to sleep, the demon snarled at me, and I wanted to listen to him. I truly did, but couldn’t. Instead, I did the exact opposite.

With sheer force of my will, I pushed him back where he belonged, beneath almost collapsed walls I carefully built, and exhaled so deeply as if trying to release a decade of guilt that gnawed at me.

“Ten years ago,” I started, my arm curling tighter around Nina. I wasn’t sure if she was awake, but I had to get it all out. “I lost my family.”

A huge lump formed in my throat when the memory of Caroline emerged, her light brown eyes and bright smile slashing my soul like a sharp knife. My breathing seized, and I couldn’t say a word. Just a mere thought of her was so painful I couldn’t function properly.

“I thought I had my entire life… sorted out,” I whispered, forcing the words out. “With a beautiful girlfriend, the extended medical license, and money to fulfill my dream and build a hospital, it was p-perfect.”

My lips trembled. Leaning closer, I inhaled the familiar jasmine scent of Nina’s hair and continued.

My life was a dream come true. Really. From a young age, I fantasized about being a respected doctor, saving lives, and having my own huge hospital for everyone. And at thirty years old, it was within my arm’s reach. But it came with a lot of work, too.

On average, I spent sixteen hours a day at the hospital. Surgeries, examinations, consults, or a fucking bureaucracy—it all consumed my life. I came home to kiss my girlfriend and sleep. That was all.

She understood who she was with, though. Caroline was amazing, a kindergarten teacher with a big heart, a kind personality, and endless patience with everything related to me. Not once did she argue with me when I stayed at the hospital late, nor did she suspect me of having an affair or whatever bullshit women could come up with when their man wasn’t at home on time. Respect and trust were her core values, and they accompanied us throughout our relationship.

However, things changed when I assisted in the surgery of a New York senator’s wife. The main surgeon made a mistake that almost cost her her life, and my quick reactions prevented a tragedy. The senator was so grateful, he made me the chief of surgery, the youngest in the country. It was unbelievable, and I took it like a starving lion would take a juicy steak. But it also meant that I barely saw Caroline anymore.

A few times, she prepared a romantic dinner for us, but I came home after midnight and found her curled up on the couch. Another time, she just glanced at me with her beautiful, soft eyes, like she wanted to tell me something but chose not to, and I didn’t ask.