Page 68 of Heavy Crown

“There are many,” Alex says with a side glance. “Most of them completely useless.”

When we get to Edward at the trailer, he leads the horses out. Alex and Edward exchange a few teasing remarks about the last time Alex was on a horse while we get them ready to ride. Once they’re set, Alex and I swing into the saddles, and I sit for a moment, taking in the sweep of green fields, the ocean in the distant background, and Alex at my side.

“I often get this weird sensation when I’m with you,” I say. “Déjà vu, sort of. As though we’ve done these things before.”

Alex glances at me before focusing on the horizon ahead of us. “Do you?” he says. “I thought I was the only one. Perhaps we knew each other in another life.”

Then he nudges his horse into a trot, leaving me behind. He is both infuriating and fascinating, and I’m never sure which version of him I’ll get. The fascinating one is more authentic, I think. He’s the lonely, miserable guy who saves me from car crashes, buys me necklaces, arranges for me to ride a horse around the royal estate, and speaks of reincarnation as though it’s factual rather than romantic. The infuriating version of him occurs when he tries to keep some part of himself from me. The guy who will not answer a direct question unless I force him to. As though it’s possible for him to wedge some distance between us just by wishing it to be so.

I drive my heels into the horse’s side, and I catch up to Alex in no time.

“Tomorrow night,” Alex says as we ride. “May I see you?”

“Are we going to talk about what this is?”

“I think it’s probably best if we leave it unnamed.”

I sigh and bite the inside of my cheek. We can name it or not, but it doesn’t change the fact this current between us exists. “I can’t see you tomorrow night.”

He tugs on the reins to slow his horse. “Because I won’t name whatever is between us.”

“No, because I already have plans. I have a life beyond our friendship.” If he asks me, I’ll tell him. Otherwise, I’m keeping the Derrick part to myself.

“Tell Posey I said hello.” He kicks his horse to move forward again. “So, we’ve labelled it then, have we? Friendship.”

The urge to throttle him is so great that if he were any closer, I’d jump onto his horse and wrap my hands around his neck. “You know what? I’m going to leave this for tonight. You did a really nice thing for me by having Edward bring the horses here, and I want to enjoy my ride.”

“What shall we talk about then?”

“In silence. I would like to enjoy my ride in silence.”

“This ride was supposed to be an apology.”

I bark out a laugh. “I get that. Thank you. But what I actually want from you, you won’t give me.”

“A label.”

I release a groan of frustration. “For someone so smart, you’re remarkably stupid.” He’s not ready to face what’s between us, not in any meaningful way. Maybe he’ll never be ready. Since, as he’s told me several times, nothing can come of this spark between us, we might never explore us the way that I want to. I meant what I said about courting heartbreak, but what I figured out this last week without him is that I’m already there. The deep outline of a heartbreak exists. If I was smart, I’d probably leave it at that. But if I’m going to experience the pain, I want the pleasure too.

He’s quiet beside me, and I wonder if he’s surprised by my straightforwardness. I am. For some reason with him, I can’t hide my emotions or pretend things I don’t feel. Whatever I’m thinking or feeling is written large, just for him.

“I can’t give you what you want,” Alex says. “It wouldn’t be fair.”

In frustration, I kick my horse into a trot and leave Alex to follow behind.

The restaurant is built into the cliff, a marvel of engineering and expense. I’m half-convinced the reason their prices are astronomical is to pay for the work needed to keep the restaurant from pitching into the ocean.

Instead of letting Derrick pick me up, which would have been fraught with so many potential problems, I agreed to meet him here.

Julia drives into the parking lot and stares at the front entrance. “Are you sure you want to try the food this badly?”

I laugh. “He’s paying, so…” I shrug.

A small answering smile tugs at her lips. “I can see why you and Posey have become such good friends.”

“Your sister has almost single-handedly saved my stay in Bellerive.” I gather my purse from the floor between my feet. “Thanks for driving me when Posey had to bail.”

“That’s my job,” Julia says. “When Brent pops back to the island unexpectedly.”