Page 80 of A Christmas Wish for the Village Midwife

‘I’m sorry about—’ Billie began.

Zoe cut her off. ‘No,’ she said. ‘I don’t want you to say sorry. I’m not offended… not now I’ve had time to think about it, though I’ll admit I was hurt at the time. But there’s no point in pretending it’s not true. I’m like family, I hope. I wanted to think that was the same, but it’s not.’

Billie didn’t try to correct her, but Zoe could see by her expression that she regretted the way it had come out. ‘I mean, you know I think so much of you, and you’ve been so amazing and good for us all and…’

‘It’s OK,’ Zoe said. ‘You’ve been good for me too. Nobody’s debating that. And I’m sorry if I sound like I’m interfering or stating the obvious, but I have to say it because I can’t see how either of you are going to start a proper conversation otherwise, and let’s face it, you need one. You need to talk to one another, even if you think the other isn’t going to like what you say. How are any of us going to know what to do otherwise?’

‘There’s nothing to talk about.’ Billie folded her arms and rested them on the table. ‘Look, I’m sorry I didn’t like the play, that’s all. It’s old-fashioned and offensive, but yeah, I get what you said, the people round here are from a different generation and that stuff doesn’t bother them. It makes them laugh. Well that’s great for them; I just didn’t want to watch it. And that’s all.’

‘It’s not though, is it?’ Alex said. ‘Because you didn’t stop at complaining about the panto. Those things you said must have come from somewhere. Zoe said before she thinks you’re bored living in Thimblebury. Is that true?’

Billie threw an accusing glance at Zoe and then turned back to her dad, her expression closed again. ‘So you’ve already been talking about me? You’ve already made up your mind what I’m thinking without even asking me?’

‘No!’ Alex let out a long breath, turning his gaze to the heavens as if for divine inspiration. And then he looked back at Billie, visibly gathering himself to say the right thing. ‘Yes. We’ve discussed you, but only because we were worried that you weren’t getting what you needed from living here but you didn’t want to tell us because… we were right, weren’t we? And you were right to think I’d be sad hearing from you that it isn’t working out as I’d hoped it would. It looked like a fresh start to me, but I should have realised that I was only seeing things from my point of view; I was only looking for a solution for what my life was missing and not yours because I didn’t understand, or maybe I couldn’t see what that was.’

‘But,’ Zoe interjected, ‘if you don’t tell your dad what your life is missing, how could he know?’

‘I don’t know that I could even see what that was back when we moved here,’ Billie said. ‘Don’t forget, I was pregnant and… well, it was all I could think about.’

Zoe recalled how damaged and uncertain Billie had been back then. She hadn’t wanted motherhood – it had been thrust upon her, and she might have taken to it like a natural if Louisa’s father hadn’t died. There was no way any of them could know because he had, but from what Billie had said to Zoe since Louisa’s birth – even very recently – Zoe suspected Billie would have been a far happier woman had she been able to have that life. Perhaps Alex hadn’t been able to see it, not only because Billie hadn’t told him, but because he was busy dealing with losses of his own and he’d been guided by them. He’d lost his wife, and that kind of grief could be a blinding thing. With all that going on, it was no wonder they’d struggled to communicate.

Since Zoe had got to know her better, she’d seen that Billie wasn’t a natural communicator, and she wasn’t free with her emotions. She kept things bottled up, perhaps believing it made her stronger, but when the dam broke, it tended to be all the more violent for the pressure that had built behind it. This moment felt like that. Billie would let go any minute now, and things would be said that would change everything.

There was another thing Billie didn’t do – not without extreme provocation. She rarely cried, so Zoe almost dropped her mug when Billie’s face screwed up and she started to sob.

‘I’m sorry, Dad! I’m so sorry!’

Alex leaped from his chair and pulled her into a hug. ‘Hey, hey…’ he murmured as he stroked her hair. ‘Bill… there’s no need…’

‘I don’t want to hurt you…’ Billie said, her words muffled as she buried her face in his chest. ‘I never want to do that.’

‘You haven’t; you never could.’

Alex glanced at Zoe, clearly lost, clearly in need of guidance, but she couldn’t give it. He had to deal with this because he was Billie’s father. And besides that, Zoe didn’t know what to say either. She didn’t know what kind of advice she could give because she was as lost as him. Billie needed something, but it seemed to Zoe that even she didn’t really know what it was, not yet, and so she couldn’t ask for it, and if she couldn’t ask for it, how could anyone give it?

Her tears lasted for another few minutes, and during that time Alex held her and reassured her as best he could, Zoe watching, her heart going out to them both.

Eventually, Billie stepped away from his arms and dried her eyes. ‘I think I’ll go to bed. I’m like this because I’m tired.’

‘Billie,’ Zoe said, understanding dawning on her. ‘It’s almost Christmas. Are you afraid you’ll ruin it for us if you say how you really feel?’

Billie stared at her. ‘No,’ she said finally, but Zoe didn’t feel she was getting the entire truth. Again, perhaps Billie didn’t even recognise what exactly she was doing. There was a danger, however, that Christmas would be ruined anyway if some of the tension that had been hanging over them these past few weeks wasn’t resolved, or at least talked about, because it wasn’t going anywhere otherwise.

‘But if that were the case,’ Zoe continued, ‘then you could. It wouldn’t ruin anything. Maybe it would make Christmas better. If, say, you thought you might not be at Hilltop next Christmas, then wouldn’t you want the chance to make this one extra special?’

Billie looked sharply at her now. ‘What makes you say that? What’s Maisie said?’

‘Maisie?’ Zoe blinked. ‘I don’t know… Have you talked to Maisie about this?’

Billie flushed. ‘Not exactly. But I did say… So she hasn’t told you anything?’

‘Why would she?’

‘But you might as well,’ Alex put in, ‘because you’ve given us half the tale now.’

Billie paused and looked at the door, as if she was still weighing up the escape she’d just wanted, but then she sat down at the table again. ‘I really miss living somewhere warm. I miss our old place in Spain. I loved it there; life was so good…’

Alex sat next to her. ‘You told us that,’ he said gently. ‘Is there more?’