Page 54 of Christmas Coffee

The corners of her mouth lift and she puts the box back on her lap. Then her delicate fingers take one from the wrapper and hold it out to me. “To Celyn, the best boss ever.”

I lift my hand to take it, but she frowns at me. “What?” I drop my hand, leaving the chocolate lingering in the air.

She leans closer to me and holds it out again. My smile melts as my heart trips in my chest when I realize what she wants me to do. I shake my head and start to get up, but she grabs my wrist with her free hand.

“Are you seriously afraid of Hot Girl?” Nova represses a laugh and taunts me, “Come on, Celyn, stop being so serious. It’s not sex, it’s a piece of chocolate.”

I watch her for a moment and then turn my gaze to the piece of candy between her fingers. I lean forward and take it with my teeth, but she doesn’t let go. She snorts a laugh and makes me tug it from her hand, before she presses the tip of my nose with her finger and lounges back in the chair, pulling her knees up and resting the box of chocolate there.

This woman makes my heart pound and all rational thought flies away when she’s near. I want to be something to her, I want to be the one who makes her smile. I want to be the one that elicits that warm laugh, the one that’s pure magic. Hearing it lifts my soul from the dark places it’s been. I feel renewed around her. I lean back in the chair and stare out the window as the snow turns to sleet. Icy slush spatters against the glass, obscuring the view.

The afternoon passes quickly. We sit on the beanbag, crank up both little heaters, and eat candy and tell each other Christmas stories, recounting tales of the past. Nova has me laughing and I forget everything until nightfall. When it’s time to part ways, I’m not sure what to do. If I kiss her, she’d stay—I could do it. I could seduce her and she’d be safe for the night. Bad idea. She needs someone stable, not someone like me who will probably get hit with a lawsuit and end up with nothing. Still, I don’t want her sleeping in her car. Not tonight, not ever again. A kiss is all it would take. She’s at ease around me. She trusts me. I don’t want to break our friendship but I’ll be damned if I let her freeze tonight.

Nova is tugging on her boots and I’ve gone silent. I pushed the beanbag chair into the window on the counter so she could gather her things. I swallow hard, thinking I need to do it if she’s going to stay. When she has on her boots, she stands and I’m intentionally too close. She brushes against me, and nearly loses her balance. I reach out and slip my hands around her waist, pulling her hips to mine to keep her upright.

“Sorry about that,” I say softly and keep my eyes on her lips. “Are you okay?”

She tenses in my arms, but doesn’t back away. Nodding, she replies in a breathy voice, “Yeah, I’m good.”

I flick my gaze to her eyes and she’s doing the same thing as me, mirroring my stance, angling her head to the side, watching me through lowered lashes. My chest has that swirling feeling like I’m falling through space and every impulse I have says to hold onto her, but I don’t crush her against me the way I want to. Instead, I keep the inch or so of space between our upper bodies and am careful not to move my hips no matter how much I want to press against her.

I breathe her name as I move in closer. We’re a whisper apart and the lure between us is overpowering me. I can’t have her this close and not act on it. I’m still warring with myself when she leans in and sweeps her mouth against mine. The kiss is light, careful. Her lips are slightly parted as she lingers, waiting to see what I’ll do. I’m frozen, unable to kiss her back, caught between desire and something else.

She whispers, “It’s all right. One kiss won’t change anything.” When she speaks, her lips brush mine ever so lightly.

It breaks me. The restraint I had explodes and my lips find her full mouth, warm and welcoming. She opens for me and I sweep my tongue inside, tasting her, wanting her so badly that there’s no way to hide it. If she didn’t know before, there’s no doubt now. My jeans strain as her hands slip around my waist and under the bottom of my sweater. Those delicate fingers swirl circles at the back of my jeans, just above the waistband. Her warm fingers touch the small of my back, making me press her into the cabinet in response. Wanting her closer, desperate to feel her against me, I tangle my hands in her hair as Nova moans into my mouth. She moves one hand up my back and tangles it in my hair as the kiss deepens. Her tongue sweeps against mine as my body heats under her touch. Her scent fills my head and I can’t think. She’s all-consuming and I want her, I need to be with her, and she wants me. After all this time, she still wants me.

Her fingers tug my hair as her thigh grazes the outside of my leg. I grab her and smooth my palm up her thigh until I’m under the hem of her skirt, about to cup her ass. She’d stay with me. I could make sure she doesn’t freeze, but this—I can’t do it like this. She deserves so much better than anything I could offer. I’m so close to being destitute and I can’t do it to her.

Abruptly,I let go and step away, slamming my back into the other counter by accident. I lower my gaze to the floor and wipe my mouth with my wrist before rubbing my hands over my face and back into my hair. I press my eyes closed and hate myself.

I feel her light touch on my arm, “Celyn?” I move suddenly, which makes her drop her hand, but she doesn’t step back.

“I can’t do this.” I grab my coat and step toward the door. I’m a fucking coward. I’m going to run out on her. Rationalization has taken over. She could stay in the hut, she’d be warm enough. It’s safer than her car. Space will make it possible to remain friends. I just need some air. I need to think. I reach for the knob on the door.

She grabs my shoulder, trying to stop me. “Celyn, talk to me. What’s wrong?”

I don’t answer her question. Instead, I offer, “Stay here for the night. Lock yourself inside. I’ll see you at daybreak.”

“Celyn.” She pleads, and the sound of my name on her lips nearly stops me. She doesn’t understand, but I can’t make a good decision with her so close. I can’t tell her what she does to me, how I feel. She won’t understand when I tell her that we can’t act on it. I need to leave. I need to suck in some cold air and use my goddamn brain.

In my mind, I’m already gone and there’s one glaring reason why I won’t stay, why I can’t be with her. It trumps everything else and there’s no way she’ll let it go—I’ve been lying to her since we met. I won’t be another asshole that uses her and hurts her. I grab the doorknob and twist, pushing the door, but it doesn’t budge.

Nova watches me slam my shoulder into it, trying to get away from her, but when it doesn’t give after three tries, I rest my forehead against the cold metal and inhale slowly through my nose.

The only explanation I can give is weak, but I say it all the same. “I don’t want to hurt you, Nova.”