Page 19 of The Intimacy of Finding You

Something about the legal part started to sink into my brain. We were right outside what had just been Tobi’s room an hour prior, standing in the hallway. I was sure I looked like a real fucking asshole. Taking a deep breath, I stepped backward and tried to find some semblance of composure.

When I thought I could look at Hayden without freaking out all over again, I forced my voice into submission, trying to keep it from wavering too much. “I’m sorry. I really am. I’m just freaking the fuck out.”

“It’s okay. I won’t say I understand because I’ve never been in your situation, but I can comprehend it. Right? I get it. I truly, honestly wish there was something I could do or something I could say, but there isn’t.” Hayden sighed and shifted on his feet. “I’m not sure what happened. I’ve told you everything I know. But I’d start looking around the city. Go to bars first, AA meetings next, and other hospitals last.”

The idea of finding him in another hospital or bar simply made me want to throw the fuck up. The city was big, too. Too big. I’d never be able to find him on foot. “Okay.” I nodded, trying to accept what he was saying. “Okay, I can do that. Thank you. Again, I’m really fucking sorry. I’m kind of losing my shit.”

“Like I said, it’s okay. The hospital is full of high emotions. I never take anything personally. I’m very sorry that this happened and that it took you by such surprise. I’ll be wishing you luck. And if you need anything, just come find me.”

What else was I supposed to do? This was too much. Too much of a shock. My breaths were coming out in heaving pants as I marched down the halls of the hospital. Black swirls and specks had started to take over my vision, and no matter how hard I tried to blink through them, they didn’t seem to go away. I was just here. I had just been here. He’d left while I was still here.

Shaking my head, I realized the black spots weren’t going to go anywhere if I didn’t try harder to calm down. I stopped by a wall near the vending machines, leaning my shoulder against it as I tried to gain some semblance of self-control.

I needed to call someone. But who? Who could I possibly call? If I called Crew, he’d freak out. If I called Price, he’d tell Crew, and then they’d both freak out.

Scrubbing a hand over my face, I groaned into the empty air around me. Papa always said hospitals were where souls lingered. He said guardian angels would roam the hallways, protecting the ones worried and grieving on the floor of life instead of from the skies. The stars were usually their eyes, watching from above, but they’d send their best ones down to the land of the living to silently, invisibly comfort the ones in dire need.

I wondered if one was watching me right now, and if so, whose angel was it. Mine? Papa’s? Tobi’s? I wish I knew. I wish I could see them, but the ceiling covered the stars. I couldn’t feel anything around me, and I was the one who wasn’t here when I should’ve been, so I doubted there were any around me.

Fucking fuck. I pulled out my phone and dialed Jack’s number, despite having just put him through hell.

“Callum? What’s up?”

The car ride all those years ago came to mind. I’d gotten Tobi into my car as fast as possible after locking up The Arch, trying to beat the worsening winter storm. He’d looked so numb. So distraught. I’d asked him what was wrong, and his voice had been so fucking small. So sad. So scared.

“It’s about Tobi.”

“It’s Crew.” Tobi had whispered.

It had been so difficult to see through the snow pelting down on the windshield. I’d still been shaking from the panic I could hear in Price’s voice. “What about him?”

“What about him? Is everything okay?” Jack pressed. It sounded like he was still driving.

“Crew’s gone.”

“Tobi’s gone.”

The other end was silent except for the sound of wind whipping through his car. I let him sit in my words for a moment, knowing I would’ve needed the same. When he finally said something, he cleared his throat. “How?”

The same question I’d had. “He left AMA. I guess while we were taking Pops home and grabbing my car, he’d decided he didn’t want to come with me.”

“Fuck.”

“We’ve gotta find him, Jack.”

He sighed. “I hear you, Cal, I do. Why do you think he left?”

I shrugged, turning so my back was against the wall, and looked up at the ceiling. The fluorescent lights were almost too much of a strain on my eyes. Too loud. Too bright. “Maybe he got scared. I don’t know. It’s hard to accept help, so maybe he just panicked.”

“Or he isn’t ready. I own a bar. I see it all the time…”

I squeezed my eyes shut, not sure if I was ready to hear what he had to say. I wasn’t ready for my heart to hurt. “Please don’t.”

“…People say all the time that they’ll get better. They’re ready. They’re going to go through with meetings and recovery, and they’re going to dive in headfirst. The next day, they’ll be absent. But by day two, they’re back. Drinking until I have to cut them off or call the cops.”

After all the hope I’d finally gotten to cradle with my own two hands? After the years of pain in our separation, I’d finally seen a glimpse at a reality I could accept. I could see the stars and wonder if someone really was still looking over me.

Now what?