Page 47 of The Intimacy of Finding You

The blood along my skin from when Thompson hurt us. The blood from beneath us. I could still feel it—his hands. The anger. The chill from the AC he had turned on.

I rubbed my hands over my thighs, trying to get rid of the imaginary blood on them. How many more years would it take to scrub it all away? “I told my mom. She took me out. Now I know that Crew never went back after that summer. His mama had seen all the bruises and thought he’d gotten into fights or somethin’. My police report never went anywhere, and Crew never told no one. He internalized it. Started doin’ sex work to make sense of it.”

Shaking my head, I found a thread on my jeans to pull at. “Crew was so traumatized and felt so much guilt for bringin’ me into it that his brain erased me from his memory entirely. His brain erased quite a few things about Thompson and his time at Tiger Claw. He’s workin’ on it in therapy now. Anyway, he done forgot about me, but I never forgot about him. Ever. So when I saw him workin’ with all of us, I kinda freaked out. I didn’t plan to tell him nothin’, but during that storm, before we knew it was comin’, I told him. I told him who I was. And he remembered. And I watched the life drain from his eyes. And then he ran.”

“That wasn’t your fault, Tobi.” Callum leaned forward, his voice shaky and unsteady. It was like he was desperate to be near me. His body was reaching out toward me, even if he couldn’t physically touch me. “Fuck. Please tell me that fucking bastard is dead or in jail. If he isn’t, I need directions to your hometown so I can kill him myself.”

“He’s dead, Cal. He died a long time ago. Never spent a day in jail. We ain’t the only victims. I know that. I’m sure people tried to say somethin’, but small-town cops like we had? They’d believe the abuser over us any day.”

“Let me kill all of them too, then. What the fuck do you mean they didn’t believe you?”

I looked him in the eyes as much as I could. Mine burned along with my chest. “That’s just how it was.” I sniffled. “And he wasn’t the last person to ever hurt me, either.”

Callum made some sort of choked cry sound. It sounded like it hurt. It hurt me to hear it come from him, which was wholly unfair. “Damn it, Tobes. Fuck. I had an idea that was the case, but hearing it? Knowing it? God, I just want to burn the whole world down and murder anyone who ever hurt you. Everyone who ever failed you. Who didn’t protect you.”

He meant it. I could tell. I could feel the simmering rage in him, ready to boil over. “You don’t need to burn the world down, Cal. Just…” I sniffled and moved over a bit on the couch. “Just come hold me, please.”

“Always.” He got up immediately, sitting beside me and wrapping his arms around me gently. I trusted him, so I let him easily. I let Callum hold me, despite it feeling like razor blades on my skin when someone else did it. “I’ll always hold you, baby doll. Always.”

I shoved my face into his shoulder, holding him much tighter than he was holding me. “You mean that?”

“With my whole fucking heart. I’ll never let you go.”

I believed him. He had me. He’d see the dark parts of me, and he wouldn’t shy away from them. He’d love them as a part of me, just as I loved him.

“Thank you for trusting me, baby.” Callum sniffled. “Thank you for telling me. I’m so sorry, and I’m so goddamn angry for you. But I’ll be here, no matter what.”

“I know you will.”

“Good. Because we’ve got a long, long future together ahead of us.”

Even though my face was streaked with tears, I still managed a smile. Yeah, we did. Just like Crew and Price, we’d found each other, and we’d love each other until the end of time. Maybe even after.

chapter twenty-three

Ten Years Ago

There wasn’t enough time. Not enough time to prepare myself or Callum for what was about to come. There was no point, really. All I’d be doing was break his heart, and I didn’t know if I had the balls to break his heart to his face.

I was a coward through and through.

There was nothing left for me here. Eventually, Callum would be dragged into the cycle, and I’d never forgive myself when that happened. I couldn’t let it happen. Not to Callum.

Callum wanted marriage. I wanted that, too. Callum wanted a long life together. I wanted that, too. Callum swore he’d love me until the end of time. I swore that, too. But I’d become too comfortable. Life had gotten too easy. Something was bound to happen, and it did. I was just stupid enough to ignore it for so long, and now it was here, and I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I couldn’t do that to Callum or our relationship. I was never meant to be free. I thought Callum was my way out of the cycle. I thought I could finally be happy. But then Mom called. Mason was coming home, and I was reminded all too quickly just how idiotic it was of me to think I’d get a happy ending.

People like me didn’t get happy endings. It wasn’t just Thompson. No, Thompson was just the beginning. He was the one who prepared me for what was to come. At least I already knew how badly it’d hurt when it happened again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

I couldn’t do it anymore. I was tainted when I was thirteen, and I knew without a doubt that, even though I was twenty-two now, there would be no cure. No cure for what felt like a sickness rotting in my bones. It reeked, and the smell gave me away to all the predators watching and waiting for me to show up.

I never had a chance, did I? I was marked as a target from the beginning.