Page 53 of The Intimacy of Finding You

The entire thing kind of felt like a dream—the same kind I’d have when the man I was staying with at the time would get more aggressive than usual, and I’d need some sort of escape from reality. My brain would conjure up a million scenarios and make me dream of them. I always thought it was sadistic. How fucked up was it that I had to endure the thing I wanted the most in a dream, only further proving to myself it’d never happen?

But now it was. Callum and I were sitting side-by-side, the sides of our thighs slightly touching each other. He was warm, and like a reptile to a heated rock, I was mesmerized. Stuck. I craved it, and I craved more of it, which was so fucking weird.

Even when we’d been dating, I’d have to take breaks from physical touch. Now, it was like my body had been so deprived that my brain no longer cared. Callum was safe. Callum was everything. Callum was mine, and I was his, and that made everything alright in the world.

“Tobes?”

I turned to him. “Yeah?”

“Where are you going to stay?”

It took me a second to process what he was saying, my brain still struggling to stay present. I thought about it for another second before shrugging. “I’m not sure. The bar definitely isn’t an option. No matter how determined I am, that would be far too much temptation, and I’m not sure if I’m ready to test my will that much. I did it that one night, and I’m not sure I could do it again.”

“Yeah, makes sense.” Callum swiped a hand down Fishy’s back. “You could stay here, you know. Use the guest bedroom until, um, we sort things out.”

I wasn’t really expecting that. I’d just gotten out of the hospital, and so far, I didn’t have the most trustworthy track record. “You don’t have to offer me that, Cal. I don’t even got a job. I’d just be taking from you with nothin’ to give.”

“I want to offer it. I, uh…I want you here. Unless you don’t think that’s a good idea.”

He wanted me here? My heart started to beat faster against my ribcage—this time, it wasn’t from anxiety. It was something far different. Something much sweeter. It was hope, almost. Hope and the overwhelming love I’d ignored for so long.

I didn’t like owing anyone. I liked to figure shit out for myself. Letting someone help me made me uncomfortable. But if I went back to the streets or back to Jack’s bar, I knew what would happen. I’d lose all the progress I’d gained, and I wouldn’t be as close to Callum as I wanted to be.

So instead of arguing like my instincts were telling me to, I nodded. “Yeah, that sounds nice. If you’re willing.”

“Willing? Of course I’m willing. You’re my—” He paused, his lips barely twitching. “You’re special to me.”

I liked being special to him. “You’re special to me, too. Really special. So I’m gonna try really hard not to fuck this up.”

“Just don’t run away again, and we’ll be fine. Even if you do slip up, I’ll still be here as long as you’re still here.”

For the first time in years, I realized I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to run. I didn’t want to keep running and leaving my problems behind because I knew they’d still be there, and I’d still be miserable.

Being sober was weird. My head was mostly clear, my heart wasn’t covered in cobwebs, keeping all the emotions at bay, and I could finally see a reason. I had a reason to want to stay sober. Not just for Callum, but so I could be with Callum.

I wanted to experience life like I used to, without alcohol to blur and numb everything. I didn’t want to be a liar or a thief anymore. I didn’t want to just exist—I think I wanted to actually live again.

How odd.

How fucking odd it was to have lost my will for so long, only to see it so clearly after going through hell.

I held my hand out beside my thigh, palm up. “Things are going to get hard. I’m going to want to drink. I’m going to feel a lot of shit I’ve not let myself feel. Are you ready for that?”

Callum slid his palm against mine, locking our fingers together. He squeezed our hands, looking down at them. “For better or for worse. That’s what I’ve been prepared to say to you since our first date. It’s more than a vow, Tobes. It’s more than a promise. It’s a devotion. If I wasn’t ready, I would’ve given up a really fucking long time ago.”

Our hands looked so perfect with our fingers cradling each other’s skin. It was everything I was choosing to fight for. Everything I’d ever wanted.

Lifting his hand to my lips, I pressed a kiss to it, savoring the moment after losing so many before. “Thanks for not giving up, even when I had. We’ll get our red cake one day. I promise.”

It was more than a promise, just as he’d said. It was a devotion and a vow. With our souls as our witness, I’d keep my word this time.

chapter twenty-seven

Waking up was strange. It wasn’t different from any other day, but it was. There was this brand-new awareness that something was different. That had happened the morning after Papa died, too. It was like my brain wasn’t ready to accept what’d happened, and my body was trying to warn me of the enormous shift in the universe.

Lately, all I’d dreamed about was Papa and the final words he’d given me. His final lullaby before he fell asleep permanently.

My mockingbird. I love you.