Page 62 of The Intimacy of Finding You

Crew had said something similar when he started therapy about his PTSD. He said trauma could be healed from and managed, but that he’d probably deal with symptoms from it for the rest of his life. He’d said it was hard to hear, but over time, it stopped bothering him. He was proud of his progress, and he’d stopped beating himself up as much over having hard days.

I guess this was the same thing.

I sighed, trying to turn that around in my head like it seemed he had all those years ago. “Makes sense.”

“It’s okay if it feels bad right now.” Kathleen gave me a reassuring grin. “I didn’t like it in the beginning either. But the longer I was sober, the easier it was to understand. We’ve got time. Healing isn’t quick, and it isn’t linear. You’ve got this, and I’m here to help you along the way.”

I’d been alone for so long, I wasn’t sure how to take that. I’d gone from having no one to having so many people in such a short span of time. I had Callum back. I had Crew and Price. Soon, I’d have the rest of Fire and Ice, and now I was going to have Kathleen.

It made me wonder if I could have my mom back, too. Would she be proud of me finally? For getting help. Getting sober. Would she ask me why I’d left, or would she leave it be? I didn’t know if I could tell her.

I didn’t think I was ready. Just as I wasn’t ready when Thompson happened. I wasn’t ready, just like I wasn’t ready to get sober twenty-two days ago. So maybe that meant I would be soon. Maybe I’d see my mom again. If she were alive and willing to see me.

A warm, almost tickling feeling spread from my heart to beneath my diaphragm. I looked down at the pillow of emotions in my hands, spotting the perfect one to match what I was feeling.

Hopeful. I was feeling hopeful.

chapter thirty-one

I’d woken up missing Papa that morning, just a remnant of a nightmare haunting me as I fought my eyelids open. When I came to, I realized Tobi was right behind me, and that almost made me miss Papa more.

He never got to see Tobi come home. He never got to see how much Tobi had changed. Fuck, I missed him. I missed him so much it was about to kill me. And I still had to clean out his house. Everything else was mostly taken care of, so that was the final thing. Clean out his house and sell it.

I didn’t want to sell it, though. I didn’t want to clean out his house. I wanted my papa. I wanted him so bad it made me feel like I was nine all over again, running to his house because Mommy and Daddy were being scary and they wouldn’t make me dinner.

“Wow,” Tobi gasped. “Jesus, I didn’t realize how bad my eyesight had gotten.”

Despite where my head had gone, I smiled. He was officially on Fire and Ice’s payroll, which meant he had insurance and could get glasses again. His first full day was tomorrow, and I knew he was anxious about it. “Can you see better?”

“Oh, so much better. Holy shit. You’re way more pretty when I got these on. Lemme look at ya.” He held his hands out, grabbing my face and staring at me.

I laughed, staying as still as possible. “Am I?”

“Yes. Holy cow, I can see your pores. And you’ve got some gray in your beard.”

My eyes widened as I reached up to touch my chin. “I do? I didn’t know that. I didn’t need to know that, I don’t think.”

“It’s cute. I like it.” He kissed my chin.

“I don’t. I’m only thirty-three. Why am I going gray already?”

Tobi patted my shoulder. “Welcome to gettin’ older. Did Grandpa Stanton go gray early? Or your dad?”

“I have no clue. I never asked.”

“Don’t stress about it, baby. You’re hot either way.”

Sighing, I plopped on the couch, petting Fishy’s back. Tobi’s glasses reminded me of our time before. They were the same black frames, too. I liked them.

Tobi sat on the cushion beside me, putting his arm around my shoulders. He’d been a lot more affectionate recently, and I definitely wasn’t complaining. It gave me hope. Hope that we’d really be okay. “What’s wrong? Is it the gray hair? I’m telling you, you look hot.”

“No, but thank you. I’m just thinking about Pops. All the shit I have to deal with, and how much I miss him.”

“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry.” He rubbed my back in soothing circles. “Have you visited his grave since the funeral?”

“No. I didn’t think I’d be strong enough to.”

“You are strong. But you don’t have to always be. I can come with you if you want to go.”