Page 30 of The Intimacy of Control

“And you’re the one who said you’d be fine if all I wanted was to be fucked into a coma.”

That made me stop. He was right. I’d said that because I was desperate to feel him again, even if it meant nothing to him. Did it still hurt to know it meant nothing to him? Yeah, but that was my own fault. I knew it was possible.

I was Forrest Castillo, the happy, hopeless romantic who tried to see the good in every situation, even if it wasn’t going to be good in the end.

“Okay,” I nodded. “Okay, well, you’re right. I’m a hypocrite, and I take it back. If this was all you wanted, feel free to get your stuff and go.”

“Forrest—”

“I won’t show up again.”

He shook his head. “Hold on. Let me⁠—”

“I won’t even ask for my clothes back.”

“Friends.”

I stopped, staring at him. “Huh?”

“Friends. With benefits. Let’s be friends with benefits. Best of both worlds, right?”

I tsk’d at him. “Is that really what you want?”

“Yeah. It is. You make me feel things I’ve never felt before, but I’m not ready to…to go on dates and stuff. But what about friend dates? And really hot sex?”

“Friend dates,” I deadpanned. “You want to go on friend dates.”

He shrugged. “Or hang out. Whatever you wanna call it.”

Jack was going to be the fucking death of me. The responsible thing would’ve been to say no. I was already too invested in him. Being nothing more than fuck buddies who hung out wasn’t going to be enough.

I knew that, but I nodded anyway. “Okay. Fine. Sounds good.”

“Yeah?”

“Sure, Jack. Let’s be friends and go on friend dates and have really hot sex. But I’m not doing this without a few ground rules.”

He shifted in his chair, placing his hands on the table. “What kind of ground rules?”

“We both get tested, we only sleep with each other, and we have to have one big conversation about kinks. If we’re going to be doing this often, we need to actually know this stuff about each other.”

I watched as he processed everything. “That sounds good to me. And if we want to break things off, we just need to talk. Maybe we can schedule days to hang out that work with our schedules.”

Picking up my plate, I reached for his and started walking to the sink. “We won’t fuck every time we hang out, Jack. Don’t get that expectation in your head.”

“I know. I wasn’t planning on it.” I could hear his footsteps as he walked up behind me. “Um, maybe I could come see you at your store again? Maybe you can give me a tour…or something.”

When I turned to face him, I opened my arms. “I’d like that. And then I could take you out to get some lunch or something.”

He wrapped his arms around my waist, leaning into me with his head against my chest. “That sounds nice. Friend date, right?”

“Yeah.” I rested my chin on top of his head, hugging him to me. “Friend date.”

Even though I wanted to stick my nose into his hair and commit the smell to memory. Even though I wanted nothing more than to be something far more. Jack had my heart in his hands, and I wasn’t sure if he even really understood that. But my heart was beating a little bit faster and a little bit harder with each moment we got to spend together.

The fact that he didn’t want it? Hurt. It hurt, and my heart had started to shrivel. I just couldn’t bring myself to take it back out of his hands and into my chest again. Not when I knew how empty it’d feel.

So, for now, I’d try to stay determined. I’d try to stay persistent and keep showing up and keep hoping that he’d change his mind, because Jack was worth it. I didn’t know why. I didn’t know how. I just knew he was, and when someone was worth it, giving up wasn’t an option.